Act II - IGNOpedia

Bones sat silently on the deck of the ship, his hair blowing in the sea breeze. One of his loyal leprechaun crewmen was at the helm, steadily steering them towards their destination - the Nordlands. Bones' home continent lay across the sea to the north of IGNOLand. Though he hadn't returned in some time, he could recall his youth spent there as a boy crystal clear…

However, the thoughts that plagued Bones' mind right now as he stared out at the chilly waters were not fond memories. Though SG2 had text him to say they were safe, how long would it last? Dawn would come soon, and it would 'officially' be Christmas Eve. They were running out of time…

"How long until we reach our destination, Seamus?"

"About 4 more hours, sir."

Bones sighed…it would be a long journey. The others were waiting below deck, as he had asked them to give him some time alone. This was the fastest ship in Bones' fleet - it wasn't quite as luxurious as some of his others, which SG2 had a tendency to steal and sail to who-knows-where without his permission…but it was tidy and well-kept, and the quarters below deck would provide a reasonable amount of comfort to his five companions. To them, it would certainly be preferable to the cold night winds that fluttered beneath the sails…in the meantime, Bones needed to think. SG2's group had been his immediate concern, but for the time being, at least, those fears were alleviated. With that out of his mind, his thoughts turned once more to Linda.

Linda - Queen of the Pixies, who had tormented them one year ago within her enchanted snowglobe. Bones wasn't entirely certain of when and how she met Krampus, but it was clear enough how she felt for him. He was wise enough to suspect the chance of a trap when she had come to him the previous morning, but from his brief check-in with SG2 it had seemed that she was not lying. In which case, he had an obligation to keep his promise and uphold his end of the deal.

…No. Bones knew that was a lie. He simply…wanted to help her. He thought back on the conversation they had shared at his castle…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though he had invited her into his throneroom so they may speak privately on the supposedly-urgent matters that brought her to Knochenstadt…Bones and Linda both remained in silence for what felt like an eternity. Simply put, after what they'd been through together, neither had a clue on how to begin. But Bones knew that, as long as he was in this room, he was Konungur of Knochenstadt, ruler of Greater Allied IGNOLand. This helped him keep his composure, and not succumb to his personal feelings as 'Olaf'. He knew that he had to encase his heart in bone and focus on the political ramifications of inviting the Pixie Queen into his castle as a guest.

"It is a long journey from the Wayward Woods to Knochenstadt. You are here on national business, I trust?" Bones was blunt. Linda needed to understand just how significant it was for her - now magically increased to 'human size' - to be standing in the Konungur's magnificent throneroom.

"…I do indeed come on business, your highness." Linda knelt before Bones' throne, delivering a graceful bow. "If my suspicions are correct, it is a matter of grave importance, not just for my nation and yours, but IGNOLand itself. …but I cannot lie to a fellow royal, and it would be a lie to claim that my business was not also one of personal importance to me."

"…Suspicions, you say? You lack proof?" Bones had to practically force himself to not inquire further on what made this business 'personal' for Linda. It would be presumptuous to assume those personal matters related to the two of them, but…no. He had to push those thoughts from his mind. "Our nations are not allied. It will take more than mere suspicion to move me - speak."

"As you know, my…acquaintance…the Krampus, has strong ties to this upcoming holiday. I do not have a great understanding of it myself…this tradition of Christmas is not one that is celebrated within the Wayward Woods. In fact, all of my knowledge of this holiday and its traditions come from a single book…which, I believe, will also qualify as the proof you seek…"

Linda reached into her ornate and flowing cape to produce a small, leather-bound journal. With both hands outstretched, she presented it to Bones. As the ruler clapped his hands twice, a single leprechaun servant arrived and transferred the book from Linda into Bones' hands. The Konungur turned the book over in his hands a few times. Though the journal's outward appearance made it seem modern and well-cared for, a look at its yellowed pages, scrawled on with long-faded ink, indicated that it was in fact much older…or, at least, had originated a very long time ago. Carefully flipping through the pages so as not to damage them, Bones noticed that the paper became sturdier and more clear the closer he got to the end…was this journal still in current use…? Intrigued, Bones wordlessly glanced up at Linda.

"…it's a very long book. I've taken the liberty of marking the pages that I feel are relevant."

Sure enough, Bones noticed a few pressed leaves stuck into the margins to mark the pages. Flipping to the first, he began to read.

These shackles continue to confound me. Try as I might, I cannot understand the principles behind how they work…and yet, I cannot imagine that man, that Kristof, was lying. Somehow, he has bound his life force to my own, and there is seemingly no way for me to sever this connection without taking my own life.

I am not yet desperate enough to attempt this, but since Kristof's other claims seem to have turned out true, I've no choice but to assume the same of this. I cannot kill Kristof, and though he cannot kill me, neither can I kill myself…one that remains to be seen is whether or not this curse truly passes to his own offspring.

Perhaps I cannot kill Kristof myself, but I could prevent him from procreating…and yet, I am curious to see if these words hold true as well. I believe I will continue to watch him and see what happens. In the meantime, my study in breaking this curse shall continue.

~~~~~~~~~~

The day finally came. Kristof Kringle - my sworn foe, the one who bound me in these accursed shackles - is no longer of this world. He seems to have passed peacefully in his sleep, unfortunately enough…and yet, I remain bound - just as he had said.

Tomorrow I will go down the mountain to his shack and attempt to take the life of his son, who is by now roughly of the same age Kristof was when he came to me that fateful day. If…if I cannot harm his offspring, either, then I will know once and for all that Kristof spoke true. My only chance at freedom will be to unravel the secret behind this spell myself.

~~~~~~~~~~

I concede. You've won, Kristof…you have bested me.

How many years have now passed, since you left this world…? Sometimes I wonder if you are not still here, laughing at my pathetic efforts to understand you, still not giving up after so long. No…perhaps, in my heart, I gave up long ago.

Though I cannot travel far from this frozen prison called 'The Ice Plains' in this 'IGNOLand', ever since you dragged me here so many years ago, I have not slouched in my studies. I have managed to amass a sizeable collection of magical tomes through various means, and consulted wandering sages that make their way to these isolated mountain passes (supposedly in search of some sort of ancient temple? Investigate further).

Yet no matter what I do, no matter what I learn…I cannot even understand the nature of this curse, let alone how to remove it!! The bestial hunger you had risked yourself to stop no longer consumes me. I have lost any and all interest in hunting the worthless humans that occasionally cross the path of my frozen tower. The only feeling that continues to drive me forward in this life is the burning desire I feel to thwart this curse of yours, and once again know freedom. To know that I have triumphed over you.

I will never forget your confident smile. It has etched itself into my memory, and whenever I close my eyes and see your face I am overwhelmed by hatred for you. You, a long dead ghost. You are not even of these lands anymore…your body taken back to the country of your forefathers.

All that remains of you now are those pathetic descendants of yours…each more disappointing than the last. They have grown accustomed to the way of life that binds them to these frozen lands…even seeming to enjoy it, setting up a workshop where your shack once stood. I cannot even smile with satisfaction knowing that you have doomed your progeny. They do not howl in anger at their lack of freedom as I do. They are content. And as the people of IGNOLand come to revere these scions of yours as some sort of borderline divine figure - this 'Santa Claus' - I wonder if you have not been completely forgotten. Though they now call their Wintertide celebration by 'Christmas', none in these lands recall the name 'Kristof Kringle'.

Yet I alone cannot forget. These shackles are a constant reminder of my defeat at your hands…and that I was never able to settle the score while you still lived. Sometimes I wonder…am I the only one? There are stories, nigh-forgotten legends, that speak of your adventurous younger days…of the magical artifacts you collected, and the many beasts whose lives fell to your spell and blade.

However, I was your last. The one who you gave your life to seal, in the end. You lived out your twilight years here, in this strange and unforgiving land, so far from home…all for the sake of keeping me bound. Why did you do it? Why make such a sacrifice for the sake of perfect strangers? No matter how much time has passed, I feel as though I never truly understood you.

Perhaps, in some way, I wished to. There is nothing more haunting…than an enemy you cannot comprehend.

~~~~~~~~~~

My desire for revenge consumes me, Kristof. Why did you have to leave this world? Why you, alone…? Why must I continue to suffer in your clutches while you alone rest within the sweet embrace of death?! I hate you, Kristof!! With every last fiber of my being!! To my very core!! Hate, hate, hate!! And yet, you are no longer here…no longer am I able to get my revenge!!

So I have decided, Kristof. I could not defeat you. Nor can I lay my hands upon your descendants. But there is one thing, one very last shred of your memory left behind in this world, that I can destroy.

Did you even know, Kristof? Of this celebration they call 'Christmas'. On the surface, it is quite similar to the Wintertide of your homeland, and yet it is altogether different. They celebrate a figure based on your image…this 'Santa Claus', or 'Father Christmas'. A tall, bearded fellow robed in red and green, living in isolation at the foot of the snowy mountains. A sage who bestows wisdom and gifts to any who make the perilous journey to his mountain home.

That image has gradually been exaggerated as memory of your existence fades, and the legend is infused with the exploits of your descendants. But at its core, this father of love and generosity, who gives selflessly out of the goodness of his own heart…this 'Santa Claus' is you. This 'Christmas' is your namesake, a legacy of giving you left behind. It is faint, but it still carries your scent…your sickening, 'do unto others' scent, your spirit of charity, your unparalleled kindness…!! You, Kristof Kringle, live on in this season called Christmas!!

I have made my decision. If I cannot die, then I will dedicate this life towards eradicating Christmas. I will trample everything you stood for, and stamp out that final remnant of your scent of warmth and generosity that lingers in this otherwise cold and unforgiving land. I will erase every last trace of the man called Kristof Kringle, and I will destroy all that your offspring have worked so hard to build!! I will not rest until I see Christmas lie cold and broken at my feet, and drive your ancestors into the very blackest pits of despair!! And then…only then…can my insatiable thirst for revenge against you finally be quenched…!!

…

Bones pulled the last of the leafy bookmarks from the journal, continuing to thumb through its pages. From that point, gradually, the entries began to feel more and more recognizable…detailed outlines and plots. Intricate schemes for destroying Christmas. Several pages of incoherent raving, pages torn by sharp claws…and then, towards the end of the book, were some very familiar tales. At some point, the IGNOites had become acquainted with Krampus…and it had become their annual duty to band together and thwart his schemes. Some of these accounts Bones had thought lost to time as things only he and perhaps SG2 still recalled, such as the time the garden gnomes stole Christmas, or when the leprechauns (who hadn't yet sworn allegiance to Bones) teamed up with Krampus to unleash an ancient evil. There were even a few in here Bones did not remember…was there really a time when SG2 and friends had been transformed into children…? That must have been a sight to see. And then, at the very end…

"…!!"

"There's…one bookmark you missed."

Sure enough, Bones spotted a small marker sticking out from the binding of the book. There was such a large gap between them this time that he almost hadn't noticed. The page this marked detailed the plan leading up to their experience the year before - it told of a fateful meeting between Krampus and Linda at the…hardware store? Bones wasn't sure where this hardware store was, or why two people from very different parts of IGNOLand would both have been there, but decided not to question the issue.

Apparently the two had known each other from long ago…how long ago? Krampus was not native to IGNOLand, and Linda's people rarely left the Wayward Woods. It was another question Bones decided to set aside and not worry too much about. What mattered instead was that this plot outlined more than just their meeting and arrangement to trap the IGNOites inside the snow globe, but seemed to hint at some deeper meanings behind the Krampus' goals…Bones continued to read, compelled by this rare glimpse at the Krampus' heart.

Centuries after I stopped dedicating myself to searching for it, and it appears before me. The answer behind these accursed shackles Kristof placed on me such a dizzyingly long time ago…I believe I have finally found it.

Of course, it's still just speculation, and I…worry. Worry that I might get my hopes up again, after so long, only for it to slip through my fingers. Perhaps I am better not knowing the truth. Better to forget I ever learned about it, pushing it from my mind and continuing my miserable existence in comforting ignorance…

…But the other part of me wonders, what if it's true? If I let this opportunity pass me by, I could spend the rest of my endless eternity drowning in the regret that I never sought the answer on my own.

But to research further would require me to return to the place where it all began - The Nordlands, across the northern sea. You were laid to rest in your ancestral tomb there, were you not, Kristof…? Buried along with untold other secrets from your days as an adventurer. Secrets that not even that current scoundrel Claus, so absorbed in his own selfish projects, should not know about. I know he must be burning to get his hands on the rest of them, and has invested a lot of dirty money into researching their possible locations, though he's never turned up anything useful. That fool would stoop to anything for the sake of increasing his power…I regret to say that he's even more despicable than me.

But if I traveled there, could I really…?

They say that artifact was one of yours, too. The one that Claus has been abusing for centuries to grant himself eternal life. What he does with it is his business - after all, whatever power goes into him sustains me as well, and that artifact's power is the reason my own strength grows each year the closer we get to Christmas. Since that which benefits Claus benefits me as well, I've never had a reason to try and find this artifact…well, there was that one time it just happened to fall into my lap, but I doubt such a thing would work again. Nor does it need to…I remember well what happened last time.

No, if anything, I would be better of if I could destroy that object, and rid myself of that obnoxious Claus once and for all.

But he's so cautious, he'd never allow a repeat of that time to happen again - the chances of me ever finding that artifact, or any of the others Claus has hidden away, are next to none. But if this really is true…then I could get my hands on something even more powerful. Perhaps even powerful enough to break these shackles, and...

…and what? Truth be told, I don't know. What would I do if I were to win my freedom…? What would I want? I try not to think about it. I'd only be setting myself up for disappointment. Freedom is an unattainable, fleeting dream. A dream that feels safe and comforting when you're wrapped in its embrace, but as soon as you awaken you are thrust back into the coldness of reality. No matter how much you wish for it, you can never return again to the world of that dream. It is gone within an instant…and all you remember is its warmth, which makes reality feel colder still. It's…painful. If waking up is so painful, it's better not to dream at all. And yet, if only this could really be real…

'The Key to the Spirit'. If only that key were within my grasp.

"The Key…to the Spirit…?" Bones finally folded the cover of the book closed, and set it on his throneside table. "I've grown tired of reading this purple prose. What's the meaning of this?"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't have come to you." Linda rose from her kneeling position to stand and face Bones directly. "One year ago, when we came up with our plan to trap you in the snowglobe, I found this in Krampus' tower. He's probably noticed that it's missing by now, though he doesn't know it was me who took it. Truthfully, I didn't feel right hanging onto it…but I couldn't help myself. For as long as I'd known him, Krampus never liked to talk about himself, and I'm not the type to press people into revealing secrets they want to keep hidden. Everyone…has things they want to hide."

Bones caught the spark in Linda's eyes as she said that - he was certain she was referring to that, his greatest secret.

"Even so, I wanted to know. I felt as though, if I could only understand him…maybe I could help him. He's never had anyone in this world who actually wanted to understand him. And believe me, I know what that feels like!! So I thought if I–"

"I wanted to understand you!!" Bones rose his voice as he stood from his throne, startling Linda somewhat. He clicked his tongue as soon as the words left his mouth - he had told himself he wouldn't make this personal, but he just couldn't stop himself from correcting her.

"Bones. This isn't about us."

"But why can't it be? I mean, why shouldn't I…"

"Don't you understand?! This is about something bigger than all that!! Didn't you read the passage? Santa Claus is abusing the power of some kind of artifact to grant himself eternal life, and is searching for more of them to increase his power and do who-knows-what!! Didn't you love this holiday more than anything? Then we should help each other out!! Help me out with Krampus, and at the same time, I'll help you save the Christmas you loved so–"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE!!"

Bones' shout shook the room, and before Linda could even process what had just happened…Bones had rushed forward to embrace her.

"I don't care about Santa, I don't care about Christmas, I don't even care about Krampus. The only thing I love is you. Ever since you captured my heart inside those repeating days, I've thought of little else. I've tired of this life of complacency. Divine right to rule? I no longer care about that, either!! I would gladly relinquish this empire I've built if it meant being able to stay by your side!!"

By now, Bones was sobbing. His tears soaked into Linda's cape as he hugged her tighter, leaning in to rest his head on her shoulder. She didn't know whether to feel shock, pity, or just plain discomfort from this sudden and unexpected intimate contact. No, perhaps she should have expected this. Bones still hadn't gotten over what had happened between them.

"…Olaf." She addressed him by his first name - a privilege allowed by only a small few - but remained curt and professional as she gently pushed him away. "Raise your head. You're a royal, are you not? Show some dignity."

Bones had already choked back the tears welling up in his eyes - a state that Linda was the first to see him in other than his own human parents. Though his face remained red, he took a deep breath and regained his composure as Linda continued.

"The time we shared together was…well, magical, certainly. But I told you once before. While I can't deny that you've made me feel things no one else has ever shown me…the future that you want, and the future that I want, are very different things."

"Time can change even the most stubborn minds", Bones said. "I once thought that the life lead by my parents and forefathers was something I could never want for myself. When I came of age, I set out to sea for adventure and self-discovery…and ultimately, there I learned the truth of my divine birth and my destiny to unite and rule these lands. But for this past year, all I can think about is the time we shared together in that fantasy world you'd created. A simple life, a simple love…and some day, a simple family. Maybe you too, in time, could–"

"Olaf." Linda was blunt and to the point. "I told you back then. 'She' is not real. The Linda that you fell for, the one who made you long for that simple life…'she' isn't me. I am many things - a proud queen, a powerful magician, a skilled actress. But a simple girl with simple desires is one thing I am not. I am my own pixie, with a strong sense of independence. To settle down and live as a kept woman, and to raise you a family, is nothing I desire. Please understand. I realize my own responsibility for leading you on the way I did, both before and after breaking character. But I've made my decision - I don't want the future you seek."

"Your feelings could change!!"

"Will yours?!"

The words cut Bones like a knife, piercing deeper than the blade Linda had sunk into his shoulder one year ago. The two stood face to face for a long time, in total silence…Bones could not come up with a counter to her words.

"…You wish to ask for my help in seeking this 'Key to the Spirit', which may lie in the tomb of Kristof Kringle, back in the Nordlands…do you not?" Any traces of personal attachment Bones had shown a moment ago had been completely wiped away - he had returned to his divine and imposing self.

"Yes, your highness." Linda, too, remained calm and professional.

"Very well. I will grant your request. And in exchange–"

"I will help you save the Christmas you cherish so much."

"…"

Linda saw immediately where Bones was headed, and didn't give him the opportunity to say it. The arrangement she had traveled here today to propose was simple thus - there was reason to believe that Santa Claus was not quite what he appeared, and may have intentions that threatened the well-being of Christmas itself. Knowing how much the holiday meant to Bones (naturally, having used the very fact to her advantage the previous year), Linda was prepared to aid him as an ally in ensuring Christmas was kept safe. This meant more than just helping deal with any potential Santa situations - having Linda on their side would also be a valuable countermeasure against Krampus trying to pull anything funny. That was, of course, if Linda could be trusted. Now in a less emotional state of mind, Bones had considered the possibility that the 'evidence' she had brought him may have been falsified to lure them into another trap.

Still, he'd wanted to believe, and not simply because of his feelings for the pixie queen. He hated to admit it, but as he read through the Krampus' journal…he sort of understood what she meant. He sensed a side of Krampus he had never before seen, in all their many years of fighting him. Though much of the journal contained the ravings of a madman and his hatred for his old arch enemy, when he looked deeper, he saw a soul crying out in pain.

Bones only knew the story of Kristof told by the Nords - that Krampus had been an evil monster that kidnapped villagers and devoured them, feeding on the fear and misery he spread throughout the countryside. But as a being of divine blood himself, Bones also knew that the tales told in folklore were not always the most unbiased or accurate. And even if it was true…Krampus had remained trapped for a very, very long time. Had Bones not just said it to Linda? Time was a powerful force that could change even the most stubborn hearts. It didn't mean that he had forgiven Krampus for all the evil he had done, but perhaps…perhaps at the very least, the creature deserved someone to understand his heart, and set him free.

"…Alright. I agree to your proposal. This will be considered a personal matter - neither my court nor yours will recognize this as political business. Understood?"

"That is fine. The less my citizens know about my personal life, the better."

"Likewise." Bones turned his back on her and headed towards the window. The sun had come up, and the freshly-fallen snow glistened on the branches of the festive pines set up on the castle grounds. It was the morning of December 23rd - one year since his first meeting with this strange, yet captivating woman. "Very well. I wish to send some of my most loyal to investigate this matter first. Accusing Santa Claus of misdeeds is a grave offense that will not be taken lightly if it's found that you're lying, Pixie Queen. I trust you understand…?"

"A silver spoon for testing poison, is it? Well, all things considered, I can't say I blame you for not trusting me. Do as you wish. Just remember - we have a rather strict deadline. If you take too long conducting your investigation, I can't guarantee that Krampus won't take action of his own. You understand, surely?"

"Indeed. We'll make it quick, don't worry."

"And if you find it to be true…?"

"I'll gather a loyal crew and set sail for the Nordlands immediately in my fleet's fastest ship. Your job will be to remain here, and prevent the Krampus from acting on one of his usual plans to destroy Christmas. Do whatever you must to stall him and prevent him from attacking the North Pole. And of course…" Bones approached Linda once more, but there was no trace of fondness in his eyes as he shot her an icy glare. "I believe you know what will happen if I find out you've betrayed us. Regardless of my personal feelings, you will not get a second chance. Beinskerandi is still disappointed it didn't get to drink your blood last year." Bones gestured towards the axe mounted above his throne - it was the very one he nearly brought down on Linda during their conflict.

"Of course. I'll keep him in check, don't worry. Put whoever you wish in charge of your kingdom while you're away - we won't interfere."

"…I appreciate your consideration."

Naturally, he would be putting his most trusted leprechauns in charge, and the full brunt of his security force would remain on high alert. Not that he expected his kingdom to be Linda's goal - If they were after anything, it was Christmas. Even if this was a trap, her loyalty was clearly with Krampus…though from what he could tell, her feelings ran much deeper than that, and that was something that not even Bones could overturn. For the time being, at least, he needed to put those thoughts out of his mind - he had a job to do. First step was to contact his pantry members…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sir? I said we'll be arriving in the Nordlands shortly. What are your orders?"

At some point, Seamus had started talking to Bones, who'd been lost in thought. The sun had already begun to rise over the ice floes of the northern seas. As Bones leaned over the deck and breathed in the salt air, he knew they had to be close even without Seamus telling him. This nostalgic feeling brought him back to his days as a young man, sailing these very seas with his pirate crew. How funny that so much had changed in him, yet this place seemed the same as ever…

"…Sir? Are you alright?"

"Yes. Sorry. I'm just feeling a little light-headed. How much longer until we reach land?"

"Probably another 40 minutes…an hour at most."

"I leave her in your care, then." Bones rose to his feet a bit shakily - it'd been some time since he'd been sailing, and he was ashamed to say that he hadn't yet regained his sea legs.

"Where will you be going, sir?"

"Below deck…I've kept my companions waiting for far too long. Pretty shameful for a captain. Ring the bell when land is in sight."

"Aye, sir."

Seamus was a capable enough sailor to be put in charge as this ship's first mate. The weather was also quite fair for a Christmas Eve morn in the Nordlands, so Bones trusted that the ship was in good hands with him at the wheel. As he descended the stairs below the deck, the sounds of the sea breeze were gradually replaced with the raucous chattering of his friends.

"Well look who's here!!"

"Ah…Bones!! Hey errybody it's…it's Bones!!"

"Booooonez!!"

It seemed like they'd been enjoying some of the fine imported eggnog from his beverage stores, and a few of them seemed to have gotten a bit tipsier than he would have liked for such a significant mission…looked like xL and LG were the worst of them. Typical. xL was a shameless hedonist, and LG was always overconfident in his tolerance of earth's booze to where he'd go overboard and drink too much. Putting those two together in this state was a surefire recipe for trouble.

"You all seem to have enjoyed yourselves…"

"Well, you said we could help ourselves to the drinks and snacks…and most of us were courteous enough not to overdo it!!" Tim was understandably defensive, given the tenuous relationship between him and Bones. Simply being from The Outback already meant he was usually on thin ice whenever he was in Bones' presence.

"Yeah, until those two idiots thought it'd be funny to have a little drinking contest…" MTS spoke with an annoyed tone, though her face showed that she was clearly amused by the situation.

"I made sure to clean everything up and put it back where we found it…" Iris said timidly, not one to impose on others. Fortunately her experience working in her parents' tavern meant she knew how to clean up after rowdy guests.

"It's fine." Bones stretched and let out a mix between a sigh and a yawn. "It's my fault for leaving you all down here for so long."

"Are you okay? You seem pretty tired." LG asked, his face bright red.

"Better tired than drunk…I'll be fine."

"Come on, you look like you haven't slept in days!! You should at least take a little nap before we get there, don't you think?"

"He's right", said MTS. "We should all be in our best condition before we get there, if what you said is true."

"I'd be happy to come warm your bones in bed." xL said with a…wink? It was hard to tell sometimes, given his eyes always appeared to be closed.

"…well, everyone except those two, I guess."

"Really, I'm…aaaaauuhn." Bones yawned loudly…then shrugged, as he noticed everyone in the room staring at him. "Alright, alright. We'll be touching down on land in less than an hour, though. Someone had better wake me in 40 minutes, or you're all dead."

Everyone nodded vigorously, not wanting to get on Bones' bad side. They had been having a relaxing time in the luxurious cabin, but the story he'd briefed them on earlier was quite a doozy, even for their usual holiday adventures. Everyone had come prepared for a fight when they'd received Bones' text to meet him at the Knochenstadt harbor, and to 'be prepared'. Naturally, everyone assumed they would be gearing up for a battle with Krampus - not Santa Claus himself. It was quite a shock to hear that the Santa they'd trusted and helped for all these years was apparently a greedy, power-hungry control freak who planned to turn Christmas into even more of a consumer-driven monopoly than it already was.

And now, they were going all the way to the Nordlands on unconfirmed suspicion that an artifact of great power was buried with Kristof Kringle, in his ancestral tomb. If these suspicions were right, it might even be powerful enough to break the connection between Santa Claus and the Christmas Artifact that was fueling his power. Since they didn't know where Santa had hidden that after the time Cross had stolen it, finding something that could sort of 'override' its power was their only hope.

Though they were all laughing together a moment ago, everyone understood what a serious mission this was. If Santa had his way, the sanctity of Christmas itself would be ruined!! They'd had more than enough 'perfect Christmases' after last year's incident, but they certainly didn't intend to go from one extreme to the other, either. For the sake of the holiday that brought them all together like this, so they could laugh and play and get utterly plastered on eggnog - the IGNOites were willing to do whatever it took to take their Christmas back!!

Before they knew it, an hour had passed. They could hear Seamus ringing the bell from above the deck, and shouts of 'land ho!!' from the crew. They drew straws to see who would be responsible for waking Bones - xL drew the short straw. He decided to get a little too personal with his wakeup technique and received a boot to the face in return. Everyone laughed, knowing that xL was, in his own way, trying to lighten the mood before they headed off into these dangerous and unfamiliar lands…or so they thought.

As they stepped off the dock and began to walk around the harbor and into the local village, the IGNOites were all struck by an unsettling sense of familiarity. There, in the midst of the lightly falling snow, was quite a sight to behold…it was like something straight out of an old-fashioned Christmas postcard. Snow-covered cottages and quaint little shops dot the feathery white landscape. People bundled up in warm, vintage-looking clothing bustle to and fro, waving to one another. They stopped to make chit-chat with their neighbors, asking how they had been, while the children ran off to throw snowballs at each other. A horse-drawn carriage passed through, the sound of hooves clattering on cobblestone and jingle bells filling the air with a delightful melody. Delicious holiday smells wafted out from a cozy little bakery, its walls decorated in a simple yet welcoming style with some holly wreaths. And in the middle of it all…was a massive Christmas tree towering in the center of the square, with a shining star hanging upon the highest bough.

All of this felt eerily familiar to everyone in the group. Of course, aside from Bones himself, none of them had ever been to the Nordlands before…and yet, they all felt as though they had an intimate knowledge of this city. In that direction, the inn…down that street, the town hall. The train station, the theatre, even the little seasonal Christmas tree lot and petting zoo full of reindeer. It was then that it finally hit them, all at once.

"LINDA!!"

The villagers turned around to stare in confusion as the IGNOites screamed this name in unison…whispered to each other, and proceeded to go back to their business. Nobody's faces melted off, and a horrible screeching melody didn't start to blare from every speaker in the town. Everything was perfectly…normal.

"Relax. This is not Linda's doing." Bones reassured everyone. "What you're seeing is the real-life village that served as inspiration for her snowglobe world…a picture-perfect slice of the Nordlands."

Bones explained that, since Linda's goal had been to make them all complacent inside her snowglobe, she had adapted her world around a potent and nostalgic memory of Bones' that also happened to fit the image of an old-fashioned Christmas. As Bones was the leader of the group, it was most important to keep him from wanting to leave, and the memory had to be as realistic as possible. Her attention to detail certainly didn't leave anything to be desired - that world was an almost perfect recreation of the town they'd found themselves in now, though fortunately this one was missing at least 90% of the creepiness.

"Welcome to Schneehafen, one of the most prominent harbor towns in the Nordlands."

Unfortunately - or fortunately, since so much of it was already nauseatingly familiar to them - there was no time for sight-seeing. They made a brief stopover at a small clothing shop to pick up some cloaks - Bones said that the Nords weren't generally fond of outsiders, and downplaying how…eccentric, they all looked, would ultimately be in their best interests. After that, Bones began asking around for directions, and the others could do little but follow behind him like lost puppies.

"Alright, I think I know where we're going."

After nearly two hours of wandering the medium-sized harbor town asking random passers-by for information, Bones seemed to have found a lead. However, it would take them at least another two hours to get their on foot. It was already past noon on Christmas Eve - they didn't have that kind of time.

"Thankfully, I have some old friends in the area who owe me a favor. We're going to see if they'll give us a lift. Come on."

Old friends? How long had it been since Bones last paid a visit to his homeland? It seemed almost hard to believe that there'd be anyone here who still owed him a favor…and it got even harder to believe as they seemed to be drawing further and further away from the town. The gently-paved cobblestones beneath their feet gradually gave way to thick and crunchy snow, and scavenger birds circled in the sky above their heads making obnoxious cries. This friend of Bones' must have been some kind of recluse…

"Alright. We're here." Eventually, they had stopped at the edge of the shore, some distance away from the town. "Best to back away and let me do all the talking."

"What kind of friend do you think Bones has all the way out here…?" Tim whispered to the still-tipsy LG. "Bit of a strange place for someone to live, don't you think?"

"Man, I'm friends with talking walls…you're friends with a bunch of smelly sheep…xL is friends with nowone. The world is a beautiful place."

"…"

"Quiet back there!!" Bones shouted, startling Tim into silence. "I need to concentrate."

Bones closed his eyes for a long moment before bringing his fingers to his mouth and whistling a strange tune. He repeated this three times, and then…nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. The others had begun to feel fed up with all this aimless wandering around in the cold. Finally, it was xL, of all people, who stomped over to Bones, an angry look on his squinty face.

"Alright, alright, enough with the charades. We have a job to do, right? You don't need to show off and act so proud…" xL put a hand on Bones' shoulder sympathetically. "It's okay. So you don't have any friends, that's nothing to be ashamed of!! So what if nobody likes you? Some people would be proud of their friendlessness!! Take me for example - actually, just take me. Right here on the beach would be ni–"

Suddenly, there was a tremendous crashing of waves…xL was knocked backwards with such ferocity that you might think he had been thrown clear into space. One after another after another they rose in a symphony of splashes…and there, all lined up in a neat, almost coordinated-looking row, were six large narwhals.

"I told you to stay back." Bones growled low at xL, who plodded back to the group looking wetter than xL after Watersports Wednesdays at the Gas Station Next Door. "These are my friends - Splasher, Surfer, Stabber, Spritzen, Torpedo, and Siren."

"What, no Donder and Blitz–AGH!!" xL quickly found himself on the stabbing end of Stabber's horn for his careless remark.

"Would you look at that? xL already made himself a friend!!" LG laughed.

"It's probably safer to have xL ride Stabber. Good choice." Bones nodded. "What about the rest of you? Pick whichever one you like. They'll be giving us a lift to the island of the tomb."

"Wait, wait, wait." MTS said, shaking her head in confusion. "We already had a ship. Why can't we just take that to the island?"

"Take a look at the channel here - way too narrow to safely steer my ship through." Bones gestured to the the body of water. "If i had known ahead of time, I could have prepared something more suitable…but for now, we'll just have to ride the narwhals."

"Ride? On the back of a narwhal…?" They didn't have oceans in the Wayward Woods, so Iris had never so much as seen a narwhal before - let alone ridden on one!! "Is that safe?"

"Oh, plenty. They're more than strong enough to support your weight." Iris had probably been asking for the sake of the rider's safety, but that hadn't even occurred to Bones, who had been riding the narwhals since his youth. "Why don't you ride Siren? You're both the smallest member of your groups, so you already have something in common."

"R-ride a narwhal, you say…" xL coughed, spitting up specks of blood. "I think you and me both know what I want to do with that horn, you bad bo–GAAHGKH!!!" Stabber went for the other shoulder this time.

Once everyone had become acquainted their their narwhal partner, Bones climbed atop the one that remained - Torpedo, the fastest one of the bunch. Just as well, since it would make it all the easier for him to lead the rest of the group to their destination. It seemed that Kristof's tomb was located on a small islet off the western shore, where they stood currently. Going on foot would mean going around to the northern coast and taking one of the ferry boats from there - this would save them a significant amount of time.

"Alright, is everybody ready? Hold onto your narwhal tight, and remember - trust is the most important thing. They know where they're going, and how to keep you safe - I can stake my reputation on that. Okay, let's go - to the tomb of Kristof Kringle!!"

There was a great splashing as the narwhals sped off into the distance…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, the members of the Recon Team had finally managed to gain reasonable distance from the North Pole, and had found a relatively secluded place to take a rest. It was the ruined remains of an old village, but a few buildings were still intact enough that they should be able to hide without being spotted - at least until the sun rose.

They had decided to sleep in shifts - SG2 and Reese would sleep for an hour, while the others kept watch. Then, Atlas and Bradios would rest while the others took over. While Bradios was a cyborg, his brain was still human and still required a decent rest to function properly, so he needed some time to power down his circuits and recharge as well. As a vampire, Karma didn't actually need to sleep - though she did help herself to Atlas' hindquarters to refuel on a bit of blood. As the largest member of their current group, she figured he had plenty to spare. They made the most of their time in this way while the sky was still dark, and before they knew it, two hours had passed.

"Hm? Looks like a text from Bones…" SG2 yawned, still not completely rested, as she fiddled with her ScanPhone™ to try and stay awake. "Sounds like they made it to the Nordlands safely…wait, the Nordlands?! He never told me they were going there!!"

"To be fair, he didn't tell us an awful lot about this mission before he sent us off." Reese had taken a more anthropomorphic version of his male form in an effort to conserve his energy - apparently, the more effort he had to put into making his disguise humanlike, the more the cost. Ordinarily it was no problem for a talented mage like Reese to stay in the shape of his choosing all day long, but running this long without rest was taking its toll on everyone. "But if he had reason enough to go there, it obviously has something to do with this Santa business. Most likely, he was waiting until he got the confirmation from us before making his move."

"That makes sense…but it makes me wonder where we should be heading now, ourselves."

"Well, we'd already decided not to go back to Knochenstadt, because it's too obvious a place for Santa to look for us." Karma, who had been sitting atop Fluffyfang to keep watch from a higher vantage point, suddenly dropped down. "IGNO City's probably no better. But we can't exactly go to the Nordlands and join up with him, either…we'd never make it in time. All we can really do is keep moving until we receive our next orders."

"Yeah, true. Alright, I'll reply back and let him know what's going on. Someone needs to go wake up the others so we can get…moving…?" SG2 trailed off, raising her hand to her face and looking out into the distance.

"What's wrong?"

"Someone's coming. Everyone hide!! Now!!"

SG2 didn't need to say it twice - within seconds, even the sleeping pair had sprung to their feet and scrambled to find a hiding spot. This was easy enough for SG2 and the others, ducking behind the splintered wood and mounds of brick left behind and in convenient blind spots…but Atlas quickly realized that these small outcroppings would not be enough to hide his large body!! Unlike Fluffyfang, who had been able to quickly rise high into the sky and hopefully avoid detection, the centaur had nowhere to go - and the sun had risen by now, as well, so they no longer even had the cover of darkness to protect them. Atlas panicked and scrambled back and forth, kicking up snow and whinnying - as centaurs are known to do when they enter a panic state. Finally, he did the only thing he could think of, and just bolted off into the distance.

"Dammit, Atlas!! You were my ride!!" SG2 cursed under her breath.

"Huh? Is someone there?"

"!!@#$%^&*!!"

SG2 immediately covered her mouth and ducked down further behind the broken dresser. If she had thought of it earlier, she should have just climbed inside one of its drawers, but it would make far too much noise to do that now!! The footsteps were already drawing closer…SG2 his her face in her hands and clenched her eyes tightly, as though this would somehow make the problem go away - but even with her eyes closed, she could sense the shadow as it came to loom over her…

"Huh? SG2?"

"…?"

Cautiously, SG2 opened a gap between her fat fingers to peek at the owner of that familiar voice.

"Uh, yeah. I can see you, you know."

"…Azaran?!"

With the mention of a familiar - if unexciting - name, everyone else came out of their hiding places as well. Azaran - one of the zedkiel race, and reluctant sometimes-member of their group. He wasn't too fond of Bones and his governmental policies, and those issues extended towards the people who followed him, such as SG2 and LG. Still, he'd occasionally get lonely and hang around with them anyway, despite his numerous excuses.

"What are you doing all the way out here?"

"I could ask you the same thing…", Azaran replied dryly.

"And where's your little Tenny-wenny-woo–OOF!!" SG2 doubled over as Azaran mercilessly kicked her in the shin.

"Not that it's any of your business, but he's spending the holiday break with his grandparents outside IGNO City. So I thought maybe I should take a trip back home, too."

"That's right, you're originally from the Ice Plains, right?" Bradios asked, joining the conversation. As a Neutral unaffiliated with Bones, he was one of the few that Azaran was sort of okay chatting with.

"Yeah…more or less." Azaran sighed. "This was actually my village, once. I just came to pay them a visit, that's all."

"…"

Azaran didn't like to talk about his past, though SG2 recalled having heard bits and pieces once before. Something about a poacher called The Collector who came after the zedkiel's prized feathers. If a zedkiel loses their wings, they will die. When Azaran was young, he lost his father and younger brother to The Collector…and a year or so ago, when he returned to his village, he found nothing but ruins and a note left behind that The Collector had returned. Supposedly, the villagers of his tribe had managed to get away, but it looked as though they may not all have been so lucky.

"Your turn, then. Why are you acting all sketchy and playing hide-and-seek in these ruins?"

"Ah, it's a long story. We actually need to be moving on, anyway - the sun's come up, and–"

"Heeey, you guys!!"

Just then, Atlas began galloping back towards them. It seemed like he'd completely forgotten why he had run away in the first place - another trait common to centaurs. However, the others quickly noticed that he wasn't alone.

"So, uh…I found this kid…he was running past me, and it looked like he tripped on something and fell in the snow. I asked if he needed help and he just…climbed on." He gestured to the boy on his back, who looked to be about 12 or 13 years old. "Said it was dangerous back the way I was headed, so I turned around and came back. What should we do with him…?"

He had snow-white hair, short and curly, wearing earmuffs and a scarf to protect against the cold. But the most noteworthy feature of the boy was–

"Let me see him!!"

Azaran pushed SG2 aside as he ran over to Atlas, working quickly to get the boy off the centaur's back. Though the child appeared to have been fearful and crying, he didn't resist Azaran's help. Most likely, he saw the teenager as a friend - after all, judging by the beautiful white wings, they were both zedkiel.

"Are you hurt? Where's your family?" Azaran was careful to hold the boy around the waist as he guided him to the ground, avoiding his wings in case they had been damaged. "It's okay now, you're among friends. We won't hurt you." To the others, it probably seemed like Azaran was overreacting - after all, didn't Atlas just say he'd tripped and fallen? But Azaran was used to dealing with the lost and homeless at his Sanctuary in IGNO City, and it was instinctual for him to go through these calming steps in a situation like this. That, and well…he had a hunch. A young zedkiel like this running away from danger, all alone in a treacherous place like the Ice Plains? And running, instead of flying? It brought back unpleasant memories.

"T…thank you…" The boy brushed the snow from his pants as he stood up. "I'm okay. I'm just…really hungry…"

"Does anyone have any food?" Azaran asked the group. Everyone looked at each other and shrugged. "Tch. How can you come to a harsh place like the Ice Plains and not bring provisions along?! Fine. I've got some bread in my pack. I was saving it for the trip back, but it can't be helped. We'll share it."

"Ah…thank you, mister!!"

Azaran showed a rare smile as the boy thanked him - he was just about the age his brother would have been, if he'd survived. But he couldn't get lost in memories, now. He removed the shoulder strap from his bag, careful not to get his wing caught, and fished around inside, pulling out two small buns. The two sat on the snowy ground together and ate, seemingly used to the cold.

"Now, tell me what happened. Why were you all alone out here?" Azaran asked between bites. "You should know that the Ice Plains is a dangerous place. Where are your parents?"

"M-my parents are…they're dead. They told me to run and never look back…so I did."

"Where are you from? Do you have anyone else in your family, like a sibling, or an aunt or uncle? Anyone that can help you?"

"No…" The boy shook his head sadly. "Everyone is gone. Everyone except for me and a few others who managed to get away…I don't know where they are now. This was…a few days ago. I'm from Easmont, on the other side of the mountain…or, I was. It's gone now…I've just been running ever since…"

Azaran clenched his fists. He understood immediately…The Collector must have attacked and left his village in ruins, just like what had happened here - and what happened when Azaran was a boy, as well. In that case, he had no one, and nowhere to return to…wasn't it his duty to help people like that? Even if he wasn't zedkiel…though he couldn't deny that made him feel more invested. Anything he could do, so this child wouldn't have to go through what he did back then…Azaran pushed the rest of his bread back inside the plastic sleeve and into his pack as he stood and walked over to the boy, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"…There's a nice place in the city to the south of here that looks after kids like you, who don't have any home to go back to. I'm a volunteer there. We can make sure you've got food, clothing, and people to take care of you. Would you like me to take you there?"

"Azaran!!" SG2 interrupted the touching scene, moving to stand between the two zedkiel. "What are you doing?! You can't just take this kid back there!!"

"And why not? Because I don't have one of your precious 'permits' from Konungur Bones?"

"No, beca–"

"Because you don't allow anything that doesn't obey your ridiculous laws?"

"No, I'm saying–"

"Because Rainbow Forbid some lost kid who needs help find a home that he deserves in that miserable cesspool you call a city?!"

"That's not it!!"

"THEN WHY?!"

"I'M TELLING YOU WHY!! SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!"

"…"

"Ahem." Karma coughed loudly, breaking the silence. "I think, before anyone does anything, we need to fill Azaran in on what's been going on…but we really should get moving. It's already morning, and we're sitting ducks waiting to be spotted out here. Come on, we'll explain on the way. This kid was heading in this direction anyway, right?"

"Nnh…fine." He helped the other boy to his feet once he'd finished the meager meal. "It's not safe for you to be out here alone. Will you tag along with me for now, until I can get you somewhere safe?"

The boy nodded…he seemed a bit nervous in the company of such a large and diverse group of people, but Azaran was a fellow zedkiel. As long as he stuck close to him, maybe it would be okay. Azaran wasn't any happier about having to follow along with these people he disliked, but it was clear that something strange was going on - why else would they have been hiding out in these ruins when he found them? And there was that weird business a year ago where he got sucked into a snowglobe, which seemed to have something to do with Christmas, too…sigh. These people were always getting him caught up in ridiculous nonsense like this that he didn't want to be a part of!!

"Alright, it doesn't seem like I've got much of a choice. Lead the way…"

With a sigh, Azaran joined the party, with the young zedkiel in tow…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"We're here."

Bones and company bid their narwhal helpers goodbye as they dove back into the cold sea, leaving the rest of them at the foot of their destination - Kringol Barrow, the ancestral tomb of the Kringle family. This is where Kristof Kringle, the original Santa Claus, was brought after his death in IGNOLand…and if the clues left in Krampus' journal were right, this would be where they would find the 'Key to the Spirit' that would help them dethrone the current Claus once and for all.

A blizzard raged through the early noon skies as the sexy sextet stood beneath the imposing structure's large, triangular archways. Following closely behind Bones, they eventually found themselves before an heavy double door, filled with intricate carvings of ancient nordic deities. Bones pulled a strange, claw-shaped stone from his pocket and pushed it into a notch in the doorway, causing a heavy 'clunk' sound to ring out.

"Everyone ready?" Bones looked to the other five members of his party - there was no telling what they might find inside, so this was their last chance to get themselves prepared for the inevitable.

"Are you…sure it's really a good idea for us to go in there…?" Iris fidgeted nervously. Maybe the other members of her group had a lot of experience with these sorts of dangerous adventures, but she didn't!! The only thing she had even close to a weapon was her trusty banjo, strapped around her chest…

"We don't have much of a choice. Unless you hate Christmas, that is. Do you, Iris? Do you hate Christmas?" Bones' tone was low and imposing, even if his delivery itself was calm. Still, it was frightening enough to make Iris jump in her boots.

"N-not at all!! I'm…ready." She swallowed hard…well, if nothing else, she'd have quite a story to tell next time she visited home.

Everyone else nodded in turn and said 'ready', and with that, Bones pushed the heavy door open…and the adventurers stepped inside. The first thing that hit them was the warmth of the stagnant, musty air, compared to the bitter cold they'd endured outside until just a moment ago. The second thing was…

"Ugh…it stinks in here!!" LG pinched his nose instinctively.

"Well, what do you expect?" Tim said with a shrug. "It's an ancient tomb filled with decomposing bodies, after all…" Though he didn't exactly find it pleasant, Tim was somewhat more used to these sorts of smells due to his lengthy experience as a medical mage.

"Well, I like it." xL said with a smile.

"""You would.""" said everyone else.

"Enough chit-chat!!" Bones yelled in a commanding tone. "We need to be alert and on-guard. There's no telling what–"

Before he could even finish his sentence, there was a low rumbling beneath their feet…Bones' head swiveled around to see MTS standing before a pedestal, a shiny, glowing orb cupped in hand.

"Don't TOUCH any–AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

Suddenly, a gaping hole opened in the floor and swallowed everyone - except for Iris, who could fly. While the other plummeted towards certain doom, she followed them, floating gently down…

Fortunately, though the fall must have dropped them several dozen feet, they landed safely in the water below. It was very lucky that the laws of physics were so kind as to make water a guaranteed safe zone, 100% of the time. Unfortunately, the water was as old and dirty as the tomb itself, and they all spent the next five minutes violently spitting up sewage water as they scrambled back to dry land. Moments later, Iris had once again rejoined them.

"Oh, I'm so glad everyone's alright!!"

"…" LG stared at the completely-dry and clean Iris, his eyes narrow with scorn.

"…? AAHH!!!"

With a loud SPLASH!!, Iris, too, had 'accidentally' tripped over LG's foot and found herself in the filthy water.

"That was kinda mean…" said Tim, shaking himself dry like a typical cat.

"It's what SG2 would have done if she were here. I had to do it, for her sake."

"Fair enough, yeah."

"MTS!!!" Bones stomped over and furiously grabbed the elf by the collar of her dress. "What were you thinking?!"

"I was thinking that ball was really shiny and pretty and would make a perfect decoration for the Boob Gardens…?"

"DO. NOT. TOUCH. ANYTHING." He turned and glared at the other four in turn and repeated those words. "Do I make myself clear? Ancestral tombs were considered sacred ground to the ancient nords, and are notorious for being protected by all manner of traps to prevent people from just waltzing in and looting the place!!"

"Well…I did not know that."

"Tch!!" Bones clicked his tongue and released her. "Well, now you do. Don't let it happen again. We're just lucky we wound up landing safely in the water this time, but next time we could be skewered by spears or penetrated by a hundred arrows!!"

"Skewered? Penetrated? This sounds like my kinda tomb." xL made a strange pointing gesture with both hands as though to say 'aaaall riiiiight'. The others found it easiest to simply ignore him and continued to move forward.

"Wish I didn't drop that one when we fell, then…" MTS grumbled under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, my liege!!" MTS responded in a chipper voice, rolling her eyes behind the Konungur's back.

For a long while the six walked through the winding, yet conveniently straightforward corridors. The light of Bones' torch illuminate their path, and the only sound that could be heard was the faint tapping of their footsteps on the uneven stone floors. The walls were lined with enclaves filled with bones and the wrapped bodies of mummified corpses. Of course, though they had been referring to it as 'Kristof's Tomb', this was an ancestral burial ground used by Kristof's family in the Nordlands for many generations. Though it was impossible to know the exact number of dead interred within the barrow…considering its size, there could be nothing short of a thousand.

Bones knew well that the ancient nords were very particular about the treatment of their dead, and could not stress enough the importance of the party staying focused and not sticking their hands where they didn't belong. Fortunately, there hadn't been any further incidents - Bones smiled. It seemed as though they had all learned from MTS' mis…

CRASH!! SHINGSHINGSHINGSHINGSHING!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!

…take…?

Spears protruded from the wall and shot in every direction - if xL hadn't rolled when he did, that smug, squinty face of his would have had more holes filled than the Gas Station Next Door men's room on Morning Glory (Hole) Monday. However, xL was more athletic than he looked, and his reflexes saved him at the last moment - to the disappointment of all others present.

It continued in this fashion from that point on. Blatant wall plaques saying not to touch sacred objects? Touched. Treasure chests lying in the middle of an empty room, with many suspicious holes drilled in the floor around it? Opened. Treasure chests that actually seem pretty safe after checking the rest of the room for traps? Mimics. Switches pulled carelessly, loose tiles in the floor stepped on, walls leaned up against to take a rest…nothing in this tomb was safe!!

Yet, despite Bones' numerous warnings, he wound up running around like a panicked babysitter moments before the parents came home, trying to frantically put everything back where it was supposed to go before any more hazards could trigger. xL touched things simply because he was told not to touch things. LG found a particularly awesome-looking sword which, naturally, happened to be cursed - his entire body became heavy as lead and he began sinking into the floor like quick sand. It was not easy for Bones to pry that out of his hand without touching it. MTS was throwing switches left and right, insisting that 'we'll know we found the right one once we hit it'. Even Iris was getting in on the trap action by virtue of sheer clumsiness, bumping into a suspicious statue and causing flamethrowers throughout the room to trigger all at once.

In fact, Tim was the only one who'd managed to get through the entire labyrinth without triggering a single trap…though the other four more than made up for his carefulness.

Poor Bones had taken the brunt of the punishment just trying to prevent his friends from joining the ranks of the entombed. He'd taken on his Bone Form to try and mitigate some of the damage, but had tired himself out so much he could no longer maintain it. When all was said and done, Bones was completely exhausted.

Fortunately, they seemed to have made it out of the most dangerous part of the dungeon, for everyone knows you put all the traps and hazards in early on to weed out the unworthy. Only those who managed to get this far and still draw breath (even if only for the efforts of one very dedicated babysitter) were permitted into the barrow's inner sanctum. They now stood inside a large antechamber, cordoned off from the many winding corridors they'd been through so far. Before them was another heavy stone door, much like the one they'd encountered outside…Bones was certain that they'd find Kristof's burial chamber further up ahead, and with it - hopefully - the artifact they needed.

"Seriously, now…" Bones said, his breathing ragged. "Nobody…touch…anything. I can't even go into Bone Form anymore. If you idiots trigger some kind of trap, I'm not risking my fleshy body to save you."

"Eh, I had my fun already."

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Same."

"I-I'll try to be more careful…"

"…good. Alright, then. Moving on."

Once again, Bones pushed the strange claw into the door, pushing it open with a loud rumble. He then stood in the doorway with both arms spread wide, refusing to let the members of the Idiot Quartet pass through until he'd gotten a good look at the room that awaited them. Like the previous room, it was open and almost dome-shaped. Straight ahead, as well as on the left and right sides, were corridor tunnels leading deeper into the tomb. Aside from these exits, there appeared to be nothing else of note in the room. At a glance, it seemed clean and trap free…but Bones' instincts told him that was too simple. With slow and uneasy steps, he walked forth into the chamber, gesturing that it was okay for the others to follow. And then, once all six were safely inside…the door predictably slammed shut behind them, sealing them inside.

"Oh no!! We're trapped!!" Iris said in a panicked voice.

"I mean…were we really planning to go back that way anyways? You guys barely made it through one way." Tim was a little smug, having been the only one to not trigger any traps either intentionally or inadvertently. "Going forward was the only way from the beginning."

"I mean, you're not wrong, but we also have no idea if there's an actual exit at the end…"

"Worst case, I can try to summon one of my Wall friends to make a path for us."

"Do those even exist outside IGNOLand?"

"Why wouldn't they?"

"BE QUIET!!"

Bones' patience was wearing thin. All he could think about was how he wound up with the B Team this year. Whenever they split up on Christmas, it seemed that there was always one team that was generally less competent than the other…and like a sucker, Bones had gone and sent his most trustworthy ahead on the other mission. SG2 could be a bit dimwitted, but not even she was as bad as dealing with this carefree bunch!!

However, Bones instantly regretted raising his voice. As the sound of his shout echoed through the crypt, it was met in response by a chorus of guttural moans. Sliding stone slabs could be heard in the distance, and the screeching noise of metal against stone began to draw ever closer.

"Shit…"

"Well, I guess we learned one thing today…" xL said, his voice low and serious for a change.

"What's that…?" asked LG.

"Bones' voice is loud enough to wake the dead."

But no one could laugh as xL did his trademark fingerguns pose (not that they would have, anyway) - because he was right. From the three corridors leading out of the room, they came - one from each hall, dragging a heavy iron sword on the ground behind them. Their bodies were a deathly blue-grey, a faint green glow surrounding them that was clearly not of this world.

"Draugar…"

"W-what?!"

"DRAUGAR!!"

Bones screamed and drew his flaming axe, Beinskerandi. The other IGNOites got the message immediately and drew their weapons as well…except for Iris, who had nothing but a banjo, and fidgeted around nervously. They didn't need to be told that these 'draugar' were some kind of angry undead that were coming for their lives. Bones cursed his rotten luck - he knew that they would most likely have to contend with the restless dead when they entered the tomb, but he'd been so caught up in dealing with the traps that he'd almost forgotten by the time they'd reached this chamber. And of all the people who carelessly wake them, it was him…

"At least we're not in IGNOLand anymore…" Bones muttered, a grin creeping across his lips. "I've got a pact with Blood Country to do no harm to its zombie citizens. But you guys…DON'T COUNT!!! HRAAAAAAHHH!!!"

Bones leapt forward, swinging his bone-white axe down in front of him. The axe crashed to the rough stone floor, a shockwave bursting outward and knocking the draugar off balance. This would only last a moment - they had to take advantage of the opening now!!

Without needing to be told, LG and MTS dove in next, each taking position in front of each of the side corridors. As Light users, vanquishing Shadow beings like the undead was their specialty. LG's blade of light shone brightly in the dim passage as he raised it high above his head, delivering his patented Gay Judgment upon his foe. The draug was struck cleanly in the neck, and the wound burst with a blinding flash of pure Light!!

MTS, on the opposite side, had done the same with her Night Bane, a shadowy blade charged with her own Light element that purged shadow beings by absorbing the element into itself - hence its dark appearance. The blade sunk deep into the side of the draug's head, and though it took some effort to pull loose from its gummy flesh, the zombie toppled over with a thunk!!

In perfect synchronicity, LG and MTS both held their blades behind their backs, posing dramatically and giving a thumbs up with their other hands.

"Heh, this won't be any trouble at all!!" LG grinned confidently.

"Damn right, gurl." MTS replied. "No one can stand against our light when we fight together!!"

Unfortunately, draugar weren't like your typical zombies so common to IGNOLand. They were more than just shambling corpses - they had terrible supernatural abilities, and tended to retain more intelligence than their lesser cousins. And though a zombie was easy to fight if you had the right technique - Light, or Fire elements, or simply something strong enough to cleanly sever its head - draugar were much more resistant to such mundane weapons and even basic elemental abilities. It was no surprise, then, that the two ghouls quickly rose once more, aiming their own blades directly at LG and MTS!!

"LOOK OUT!!!" Bones screamed, busy fighting his own draug in the central hallway - his momentary distraction just enough for his opponent to knock him backward into the center of the room!! Slowly and with labored breaths, Bones managed to get back on his feet. "Nngh…I'm out of energy…this is all you guys' fault…!!"

LG and MTS had just narrowly avoided being struck down themselves, thanks to Bones' warning…however, their weapons were knocked from their hands as they flew backwards, and now lay on the floor of the narrow hallways behind their angry foes. Not that it mattered much - their weapons had apparently not even scratched these fearsome draugar to begin with…

"You guys can join in any time, you know!!" LG shouted back at the other three, who had remained close to the locked door they'd come through.

"Actually…we can't." Tim shrugged. "There's not exactly a lot of room in here, and you guys are blocking the hallways…"

"He's right. We need to at least get past them and down the hall where there's more room to fight…" MTS whispered, as the draug moved ever closer. "If we can just knock them back, we can make a run for it, and grab our swords again, too. You ready?"

"As I'm gonna be." LG nodded. "You catch that, Bones?"

"Yeah. I don't have much left in me, but I should be able to get out one more ground pound. The rest will be up to you…all of you." He couldn't turn to face them, but the three in the back knew he meant them. "You kinda owe me one."

"Alright, on three!! One…"

LG cupped his hands together at his side, charging up a ball of light.

"Two…"

MTS cupped her bodacious breasts while Bones lifted Beinskerandi up high. But the draugar wouldn't wait for them to finish counting - this wasn't some kind of foreign action cartoon!! On 'two', the three draugar had already begun to charge, their blades inches from the trio's throats!!

"THREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

MTS leapt back as she shouted, narrowly avoiding the loss of her head. Her leaden lady lumps slammed together with a thunderous crash, generating a tremendous shockwave that vibrated throughout the corridor. Not only was the draug blown clear backward down to its other end, but the very bricks of the walls themselves shook loose and crumbled apart, widening the way for the others to pass through!!

"Hah!! Nothing can stand in my way when I grabolda dese tatas!! Now, let's hustle!!" she shouted back at the other three, but they didn't need to be told - the second her blast rung out, they were already making a run for the passage!!

Meanwhile, LG had brought his hands forward and unleashed a blinding beam of pure light. It was not unlike the kind of move you'd see in a popular animated series or fighting video game. Though it wasn't as widespread as MTS' shockwave, it had pinpoint concentration and struck the draug - and nothing but the draug - head-on, sending it flying and slamming hard against the back of the wall at the other side. He wasted no time at all racing down the corridor and straight past the ferocious fiend, which would need at least several seconds to recovery from the blast.

Compared to those two at full power, Bones' swing was much less impressive - at full strength and in his Bone Form, it would have been enough to split the floor clean apart, but with his body this drained he was lucky to get off enough of a shockwave to knock the creature off balance. It wouldn't be enough to run through the central hall, but it didn't need to be - Bones took the momentary distraction and turned on his heels, running after LG. If his guess was right based on the typical design of nordic structures, all three halls would have lead to the same place anyway - it was just a matter of getting there, and hoping they'd have enough room to continue the battle!!

Fortunately, they lucked out - this room was much larger than the last, and should provide ample room to move around in. There was a large staircase leading to an upper level where the door leading onward could be seen. UNfortunately…

"You're joking…right…?"

The room was also full of caskets, standing up against the walls…and from each of those caskets, predictably, came another draug. Including the three that were already recovering and making their way down from the halls, there were a full ten of them.

"What do we do, Bones…?" Tim asked nervously.

"What else can we do? We fight our way forward."

"But with this many, and only six of us? We'd pretty much each have to take on two at a time…"

"And can we even kill them?! Not even my Gayblade was enough to keep one of those things down!!"

"…if you guys can hold them off, I should be able to make a run for the door. If we get to the other side and barricade it behind us, they shouldn't be able to follow. But you need to keep them distracted!! Draugar aren't stupid - if they see me run for the door, they'll make sure to take me down first."

"Did somebody say distraction? Now's my time to shine!!" xL did a flip through the air and dramatically landed in the center of the chamber, his arms spread wide. "Hey bad boys. How's that rigor mortis been treating you all these years? Fortunately, I've got the cure to relieve that awful stiffness right here!!"

xL stood there, shaking his ass in front of a small legion of the undead. It was…confusing. And unsettling. Not to mention deeply, deeply disturbing. Fortunately, not even the dead seemed to be able to comprehend insanity that was xL, and the draugar just stood there, stock still, utterly perplexed by the sight before them.

This was Bones' chance!! Carefully, he crouched down and began to sneak up the stairs while the draugar were busy watching xL perform what could only be described as some kind of…mating dance. Slow and cautious, Bones made it to the door and pushed it open as quietly as possible. It looked like the room up ahead was safe - no traps, no mysterious coffins, no enclaves with corpses waiting to jump out. The only problem that remained was getting everyone up here unharmed.

Bones crept back away from the door to the platform overlooking the scene below. Everyone had already begun to inch closer to the stairs while xL stood in the center, the draugar now surrounding him in a circle. Bones waved to him, signaling that they needed to move…xL nodded.

"Who wants to jump these bones? I'll let you bury your tombstones, if you know what I mean…"

The draugar had had enough of xL's nonsense, and jumped on him immediately - though they weren't exactly sucking what he'd intended. It was doubtful that he could see Bones' thumbs up, but the others did, and made a mad dash for the exit while their undead enemies were distracted. Quickly, they ran through the doorway and closed it tight behind them!!

"We're not safe just yet. Next, we need to barricade the door!!" Bones cried, already searching the room for heavy objects.

"Wait, what about xL?!" asked Iris.

"He'll figure out how own way to find us - he always does!! How else do you think he comes back from space every time?"

"And if he doesn't, is it really such a great loss?"

Everyone gestured as though to say 'yeah I guess' and 'you've got a point' as they scoured the room for things to use in their barricade. Eventually, with enough chests, sconces, stone pedestals and the odd bookcase, their barrier was complete. Not even the supernatural strength of a draug should have been enough to push the door open with all of this standing in its way…

…but just as the weary adventurers slumped over to breathe a sigh of relief, Bones was hit with the recollection of another characteristic of these draugar from the old legends - as it, too, proved to be true.

"Um, guys? What exactly am I seeing, here?!" MTS pointed frantically at their carefully-barricaded door…and the others could only stare in dumbstruck horror.

That's right. A draug could supposedly shift its body into smoke and pass through cracks and crevices, a trait that let them escape their tightly-sealed coffins. Furthermore, some of the more powerful draugar could even 'swim' through solid stone…they weren't safe at all. They'd merely sealed their own grave!!

"What do we do now?!"

"Shit!! I'm all out of ideas!!"

No longer in a position where careful planning and thought would save them, the IGNOites did the only thing they could do - they fought. They did everything they could to keep the draugar at bay as they pooled their way through the catacomb floors…

Iris skittered to and fro, not sure what she should do. Burning axes, blades of light, sonic booming bosoms, a shepherd's crook crackling with lightning…none of it was working. If their powerful weapons weren't enough to beat these ghouls, what could she possibly do? All she had was her banjo…

…Wait. If she wasn't cut out for the role of a fighter in this dungeon crawling party, maybe she could take the role of the bard? She could use the power of music to inspire her companions, just like she had last year when they were stuck inside the snowglobe!! Fortunately, she had been practicing lately, and learned the latest holiday hit from The Straight Experience - Come On, My Merry Gentleman. Actually, did it have a comma…? That wasn't important right now - Iris just hoped this would be enough to inspire her comrades to persevere!!

"""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"""

"WHAT IS THAT?!"

"My ears are bleeding!!"

…However, Iris had forgotten that the musical styles most popular in Faeland were not enjoyed quite as well elsewhere in IGNOLand. Her friends recoiled in pain almost as soon as she began strumming, the squealing of banjo strings like nails on a chalkboard to them. Iris started to feel more and more discouraged as they seemed to be in far greater pain from the sound of her music than the attacks of the draugar…wait, the draugar?

"What's…going on…?" Tim held down his sensitive cat ears as he glanced up at their would-be foes…and what to his wondering eyes should appear, but the draugar, all dancing, and full of good cheer?!

"…?"

One by one, the others remove their hands from their ears to watch the strange sight - though the screeching of the banjo continued, they were so mystified by what was happening before them that it had faded out of focus. Just moments ago, ten angry, hungry draugar had pursued them into this cramped room from beyond their barricade, scratching and trying to pull them down into their devilish grasp. Now, those same ten draugar were lined up like a dancing troupe, moving to the 'tune' of Iris' music. And though it was difficult to tell by their hideous, mangled faces, they even seemed to be a little happy.

"How in the world…?"

"Somehow Iris' terrible, terrible music has the power to pacify the undead…"

Iris felt a strange combination of dejected and relieved as her friends stared at her with wide eyes. Well, it certainly wasn't her intent, but her music still seemed to have saved the day…

"We need to keep moving while they're distracted by the music." Bones stood and sheathed his axe, his cape in tatters from being pulled at by the draugar. "Iris, do you think you could stay here and keep playing? They seem to love your, uh, 'music'. We'll go on ahead while they're busy dancing."

"What?! How am I supposed to leave then?!"

"I'm sure you'll figure something out!!" Bones had already made his way to the door at the other end of the room, waving a hand behind his back and saying 'you got this'.

"This isn't fair at all!! At least with xL, I could understand, but why me?!"

"Iris…" LG approached the fairy and placed a hand on her shoulder, giving his warmest smile. "You have a musical gift. I believe in you."

Iris did her best not to swoon - when LG took on his TSE persona, he was like a totally different person from the Gaylian she knew in every day life. He was…a star. And he believed in her…!!

"Okay…I'll do it!! Now hurry and get that artifact so we can get out of here!! My arms will get tired eventually…but I'll do my best to make you all proud!! So please, don't forget that I'm–" By the time she turned around, the others were already long gone. "…here…? Sigh…"

Iris' strumming began to fade further into the distance as the remainder of the party entered the next chamber. What had started as six was now down to four - and of those four, only three were still capable of putting up much of a fight. All they could do was hope that there weren't any more unpleasant surprises waiting for them now that they'd made it this deep into the tomb.

"Big open rooms, heavy stone doors, long stretches of hallway leading into more open rooms with heavy stone doors…didn't the ancient nords have any sense of architectural design…?" LG mused, as he looked around the room that felt the same as the last several.

"Their 'architectural design' went into things like the puzzles and traps that nearly killed you guys a dozen times over." Bones said with a sigh. "Their main concern was building a place to house their honorable dead, and measures to keep them safe from grave robbers. I'd say in that sense their tomb design was pretty sensible."

"I guess so…it's just so boring."

"At any rate, this room feels a little different from the others to me. Look." MTS pointed ahead.

The room was roughly as large as the ones they'd seen so far, though the ceiling seemed noticeably higher. Up ahead were three stone pedestals, upon which sat three switches of different colors. There were also several small enclaves in the walls surrounding the chamber, and inside each was the carving of a different animal. On the floor in front of the pedestals was a single tile set lower than the others, and on the other side of them sat two large stone blocks that seemed to be about the same size and shape as the gap in the tile. To make matters more complicated, two chains hung on either side of the doorway - which, unlike the heavy stone doors they'd seen before this point, was sealed by thick iron bars.

On the ceiling above them, if you squinted hard enough, dozens of small holes could be seen - just like the spiked floors they'd encountered earlier…and the floor beneath their feet felt somewhat loose, like it wasn't firmly locked to the ground. And as if all that weren't quite enough, there were holes in the walls that would probably shoot spears or spew flames of something else equally as horrible and deadly.

"Let me guess…if we don't solve the puzzle in this room correctly, all the traps will go off, and these platforms we're standing on are gonna rise up and slam us into the spikes in the ceiling…right?"

Bones sighed - he really, really didn't pick the right team for this job. Just one mistaken touch could get them all killed. But unlike the traps from before, which should have been entirely avoidable with a little common sense…they needed to solve the trial of this room if they wanted to proceed ahead. To get through, they were going to need to really put their heads together and reason things out carefully and meticulously.

In short, they were fucked.

On the bright side, at least it was almost certain that their goal lay just ahead in the final room - after all, with a puzzle this fiendish to proceed ahead, what else could it possibly be guarding?

"Tim…come here. Everyone else, stay put."

Bones and Tim had their disagreements - mainly because Tim was a filthy Neutral - but Bones knew that he was the most intelligent and level-headed member of this rag-tag team. If there was anyone who he could work with to find a solution, then Tim was the second-best choice behind the absent Karma. And so, the two huddled together in one corner of the room while LG and MTS stood on the opposite side. They were both already worn out at this point, and neither was feeling frisky enough to go around touching suspicious objects anymore - so they simply did as they were told.

After several moments, Bones and Tim began to nod vigorously - had they reached a solution? It seemed like they were just about to call their meeting to an end, when suddenly, there was a great rumbling in the distance…

"YOU IMBECILES!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!!"

"W-we didn't!! I swear!!" LG waved his hands frantically in front of him.

"It's true, we've just been standing here the whole time!!"

Bones was doubtful, but they looked just as confused about the rumbling as he was. Especially as it felt very distant…but gradually seemed to be getting closer. And closer…and closer. It was now so close that they felt as though the ground beneath them was about to give way and drop them into a pit of lava or spikes or something terrible because they took too long to solve the puzzle - that would be just like a twisted place like this, to put a time limit on it!! However…that wasn't the case. What was coming was–

"BETTER GET OUT THE WAY, BITCHES!!!"

…xL…balancing atop a gigantic rolling boulder?!

It was barreling through the hallway at an alarming speed, making the fact that xL hadn't fallen off yet actually quite amazing. Though it lost a bit of momentum as it burst through the doorway to the room they were currently in and mowed down everything in its path, it continued to roll ever-forward. xL jumped off and landed on the floor in front of the pedestals - or what used to be the pedestals - just as the boulder slammed into the iron bars blocking their exit!! The entire wall came crumbling down around it, leaving a huge, gaping pit in its wake…and then, just enough to not block their new doorway, the boulder finally stopped. Everyone stood in stunned silence as xL raised a hand over his head to look off into the distance.

"Whoo…not quite as deep as my hole, but it's definitely a start. Good job, boulder, I give you a 8/10."

"…where the Hell did you come from?!" LG demanded, stomping angrily over to the white-haired man.

"Oh, well after those dead guys finished having their way with me–"

"We all know that's not what happened…"

"–they just collapsed on the spot and stopped moving. Guess they just couldn't handle my stamina." He winked, fingerguns blazin'.

"They probably just gave up on trying to drain your life force when they realized the only fluids in your body are butter and jizz…"

"Guilty as charged!! Anyway, that left me free to take a better look around that room you left me in, and I saw this really cool-looking jar…and I was like, hey, jars are like the cans of the ancient world, right? So as I wondered how many pancakes I'd be able to fit inside, I grabbed the jar…and this huge boulder came crashing through a hole in the wall!!"

"Basically, you set off another trap." Bones sighed.

"I figured you guys must have been pretty far ahead of me by now, so I just hopped on top of that sucker and decided to take it for a free ride…it rolled and rolled and rolled down the hall, and eventually I wound up in here. Oh, and I bumped into Iris and her dancing friends on the way, too. She's fine. Probably."

MTS and Tim ran back down the hall to check on their fairy friend while LG, still skeptical, continued to question the Lactoluster.

"But…how in the world did you manage to balance on top of that thing and ride it all the way from that room to here without falling off or getting hurt at all?!"

"Pfft, that thing? Please. I've had rides a lot bumpier than that, and bounced around on even bigger balls. This ain't my first rodeo."

"You would say something like that…still, the fact that your sexual experience always seems to save you is pretty amazing."

"Tch-tch."

MTS and Tim then came back carrying a dizzy, but overall intact Iris on their shoulders. It seemed that she had managed to fly out of the path of the boulder at the last second, and was only slightly grazed by it…though the draugar had been conveniently rolled flat and wouldn't be getting up any time soon. With everyone back together and the path ahead opened, it seemed like they were finally ready to move on into what was no doubt the final chamber, and their destination.

"Is this…it…?"

MTS' surprise was natural. After all, to get this far, they'd faced all sorts of dangers in twisting labyrinthine hallways and large rooms filled to the brim with traps. However, beyond the boulder that had smashed their way to freedom, was just a small and simple room. There was a short path leading up to a small pedestal, and behind that, a large, ornate casket. It didn't feel ominous, though - unlike the rough, stone coffins that had held draugar thus far, this felt more like something you'd see at a funeral. So none of them felt as though some kind of huge, boss draug was going to pop out of it as soon as they sprung a trap - this one was different. It was…respectful.

"Then that must be–"

"Kristof's final resting place."

As Bones slowly approached the pedestal before the coffin, the others elected to wait behind him. This was not out of fear, however, but respect - more than just the first Santa Claus, they understood that Kristof was an important figure in Bones' culture. They'd done enough goofing around inside of ancient tombs for one day, and decided to leave the final task to their Konungur.

What interested Bones was, of course, not the pedestal itself…but the object that rested upon it. There were two clamps on either side, holding it in place. It was a staff that looked incredibly out of place in this drab, dank tomb, with its bright red and white stripes…and yet, that only solidified Bones' confidence that they had finally reached the object that they sought. This could only be Kristof's cane, one of the legendary artifacts told of in the legends. They said he was never seen without this, and it was as valuable to him as his trusty battle axe, saving his hide in many, many adventures. And of all the magic objects he had accumulated, this was the one that he was buried with…?

"The Key…to the Spirit."

Bones reached out to it with a shaky hand. It wasn't like him to come this far and still be nervous…but even to Bones, a divine and powerful warrior-king in his own right, looked up to and respected Kristof. This man was an inspiration to so many young Nord boys, the legendary tales of his bravery inspiring dreams of adventure and heroism. Of course, Bones grew up enamored with these stories, as well, and they were a huge part of his drive to leave his simple home and see the world. Now, Kristof's most priceless possession was within his grasp - this object may well have held the key to saving Christmas, if not all of IGNOLand, from the cruel clutches of their corrupt Claus. So why…was he still hesitating?

"Forgive me, Herr Kringle. But I need to borrow your power."

As Bones' hand gripped the haft, a blinding white light burst from beneath his fingers. The casket shook violently on the altar as if in response to this glow, which quickly enveloped the room…and then, took shape. Now standing before them all, pale and translucent, was the form of a man…a ghost. Though greater in age than the others in the room, he did not appear to be very old…likely between 30 and 40 years, too old to be called 'young' but still healthy and fit. The rough-looking armor he wore seemed to have aged worse than him, covered in scratches and dents that told the story of a thousand battles. But despite this rugged appearance, this ghost did not try to attack them, or command them to leave this place - he simply stood there calmly, as though waiting for them to state their business.

"Kristof…Kringle…?" Bones asked as though he was unsure - however, the fact that he immediately prostrated himself on the ground before the spectre showed that there was no doubt in his mind. Bones was a proud man who did not bow easily, but even he knew to show the proper respect before such a renowned figure.

"Yes…I am he. Pray tell, who are you that has come to my resting place and laid hands upon my magic cane?"

The ghost's voice was clearly supernatural, filling the room like high-quality surround sound, with just a touch of vibrato…like listening to music underwater. But it was not frightening so much as it was soothing. Though they were, in the most basic sense, grave robbers who had come to take this relic away with them, he did not speak to them harshly. It was immediately apparent to everyone in this room that this was the real deal, the original Santa Claus, who had become known far and wide for his generosity.

"Herr Kringle, I am called Bones. I currently rule over the domain of IGNOLand as its high king, and have reason to believe my people may be in danger. You see, Krampus–"

"You…know of Krampus…?"

"Yes…very well, in fact. My friends and I have battled him over the fate of Christmas for many years until now."

"I see…though it has been countless centuries since my passing, he still carries a grudge. So you have come for my staff in hopes of defeating him, have you not? I'm afraid it won't be so easy…for you see, I have placed a curse–"

"Yes…we know about the curse, binding him to your descendants…and how this restricts his power, but in turn, he cannot be killed."

"…you have studied much, I see. I suppose it should not surprise me, if you have managed to make your way through this tomb full of traps to come this far. However, merely knowing of the curse and the staff will not be enough to break it."

"Is…your staff not the source of the curse…?" Tim asked, having done some reading up on the story of Kristof on the boat ride over.

"No…I cast that curse using my very life force. For I knew no ordinary magic spell would be enough to stop that foul creature for long - the more he fed on misery and despair, the stronger he would become, until eventually his own power would overcome the spell and he would once again be free. Binding a life to another with a curse, on the other hand, is far more powerful…though it comes at the expense of great sacrifice."

"And you sacrificed your own life, and the lives of your descendants, for the sake of sealing him with a permanent curse…?" asked LG. He'd been taught by his Great Gayfather of similar forbidden spells used in the past by the Hero to seal some of Gaylia's greatest enemies, and was beginning to take some interest in this tale.

"Yes. It was, perhaps, selfish of me. I had reason to believe the Krampus was responsible for taking the life of my young sister, you see…but that is a long story that I won't get into."

"Oh, good, I was afraid we'd get stuck listening to some boring exposit…I mean, uh, continue." xL said, avoiding Bones' glare.

"…What matters is that a lifeblood curse requires a great resolve to cast, and just as great a resolve to break. Even now, my spirit is unable to pass on to the next world for I, too, remain bound by the curse."

"Even though you died, and passed the burden onto the next generation?"

"Yes…as the one who cast it in the first place, I relinquished my right to rest in peace for all eternity."

"For you to go through all that, Krampus must have been…truly terrible."

"Must have…?" Kristof seemed to detect the doubt in Bones' voice. "You claim to have fought the beast numerous times yourself, yet you speak of his terror as though it were a thing of the past. Pray tell me of your own experiences with him, that I might know what it is I gave my life for."

Bones began to tell Kristof's ghost of their many, many adventures saving Christmas from Krampus in the past. Some of the stories were things the other members of the party had only heard about second-hand…yet others were ones even Bones had only learned about from Krampus' journal. But as he went through tale after tale after tale, Kristof would periodically scratch the beard on his chin in confusion. Though the tales told of deceit, betrayal, and all sorts of nasty deeds…it did not feel like the Krampus he had once known in life. Surely, he should have been capable of far worse, and yet not only was he thwarted at every turn…but it almost sounded as though he had been holding back.

"…and now, you say the one who plotted together with him last year has sought your help…in saving the Krampus?"

"That's correct."

"And you are…actually considering this." Kristof looked deeply into Bones' eyes to gauge his determination. There was no trace of doubt or dishonesty to be found. "You are fully prepared to take this 'Linda' character at her word, and put your faith in the Krampus, who you know has betrayed you so many times in the past?"

"Yes. But don't get the wrong idea - Linda is not the only one I'm believing in."

It was true that Bones was enamored with Linda and wanted to help her…but that alone did not inspire him to make this journey. Bones had read through Krampus' diary, and at first he too was just as perplexed as Kristof appeared now. But as he read through the monster's innermost private thoughts, he began to feel as though he could understand the complicated feelings of Krampus' heart.

"…very well. Regardless of Krampus' involvement, it would appear that your suspicions of my current successor have proven true. If he really is abusing my artifacts as you say, then we must put a stop to him regardless."

"Wait…we?" MTS asked. "Didn't we just come here to take the staff? That's the 'Key to the Spirit', right? Like Christmas spirit?"

"Ho ho ho ho!!" Kristof let out a familiar laugh - though his appearance reflected the days of his youth, he was, after all, a Santa Claus. "I'm afraid you've got it all wrong, Fräulein. That staff is indeed the 'Key to the Spirit'…my spirit. Which you have set free."

"So what we were really after, then…"

"Yes - the actual 'key' you seek is I, myself. I will travel back to IGNOLand with you. This is all my fault to begin with, after all…I never imagined one of my own descendants would abuse their power so. It's my responsibility to see to it that we finish what I started."

"Is that going to be okay for you? I mean…you're a ghost, right?" asked Iris, a little unsure. "Can you really travel so far from your body?"

"Child, my body is long gone. Even my bones turned to dust long, long ago…" he gestured to the inside of the casket, which, sure enough, was completely empty. "In order to use a lifeblood curse, one must relinquish their very soul's right to rest in peace for as long as the curse is intact. That soul's connection to its original body is severed, and the soul must be tethered to an inanimate object to anchor it to this world. I chose that cane for my phylactery - the object to contain my soul. Hence, it is 'the key' to my 'spirit'."

"And that's why their buried it with you…"

"So as long as we take the staff with us, you'll be able to tag along as well?" Bones asked, gripping the cane securely in his hand.

"Yes, but you must be careful. That cane is protected by many enchantments and will not break easily, but in the hands of a capable magician, those charms can be dispelled. If that happens, my soul will vanish like smoke from a snuffed candle. I will not pass on, but simply cease to exist. There would be none left who could help you defeat the current Santa Claus."

"…I understand. You can count on me to guard this staff with my life." Bones nodded forcefully. "For now, we need to get out of here. We're running out of time."

"But is there even an exit? I don't see any doors or anything in here, and we can't even go back the way we came…" MTS reminded everyone that the floor had given in and dropped them a long way down into the water below when they'd first entered the tomb.

"Yeah, thanks to a certain someone who couldn't keep her hands to herself…" LG pointed out.

"There's no need to go back. One moment."

Kristof gently floated to the back wall…and slipped through it. A moment later, there was a rumbling, and the stone wall itself began to rise, revealing a tunnel behind it…

"There's a pull chain on the other side that opens the passage."

"Heh. Figures." Bones laughed - that chain would have been impossible to pull without the help of a ghost. Of course, anyone who made it this far into the tomb would have either had to awaken and enlist Kristof's help, or remain trapped anyway. "Alright, what are we waiting for? It's time to get back to IGNOLand, and save Christmas!!"

"""Yeah!!"""

Bones raised the cane staff aloft with a flourish, refueling everyone's morale. As they stepped through the tunnel and out of the tomb, the sun was already getting lower in the sky…by the time they made it back to IGNOLand, it would be dark. They needed to get back as quickly as possible - it'd already been some time since he'd heard from SG2, and there was no telling what kind of situation they were in now. The time of Santa's flight was just a few short hours away…he would no doubt be relentless in his pursuit to capture them before then.

And besides that, now that he knew of Santa's treachery, Bones could not stand idly by and let another corrupt Christmas go off without a hitch…for the sake of the children of IGNOLand, the sanctity of the holiday…for Linda, and for Krampus as well, Bones was determined to put an end to this farce, once and for all.

Act I

Act III