#4: We Wish You A Merry Conspiracy

We Wish You A Merry Conspiracy

By SG2

Rating-PG-13 for crude humor, language, and general brain-imploding insanity

Warnings-If you’re not an IGNO member, well…good luck wrapping your brain around this shit.

Notes-It’s that time again!! …Or rather, as I begin this, it’s not quite that time at all. And in fact, I was intending to begin it even earlier, before Halloween, but reached some snags along the way. Nonetheless, it’s time for the fourth of the annual Christmas stories featuring me and my friends from the ever-insane IGNO Forum!! Unfortunately, last year saw too much complication to produce a story, in what would have been the true forth annual story (this marks the fifth year since we began these). However, it works out as it marks the original three as their own sort of trilogy, leaving this one to begin a new era, as IGNO Forum has changed drastically in the time since. The shift has turned away from the original focus on Goten and Trunks with my group of friends as supporting cast (though as they’ve been in them since the beginning, I won’t completely toss them out of the story), to being a focus on the IGNO Forum inside jokes and crazy nonsense thrust into the general format we’ve set up continuously, wherein we need to save Christmas from the ever-foul Grinch.

So without further ado, I present the fourth for-the-most-part-annual installment of the IGNO Christmas Story!!

-Alex “SG2” Hoffman, 11/12/07

DISCLAIMER-I do not own in any way shape or form the characters or concepts referenced in We Wish You A Merry Conspiracy. The Grinch and all likenesses are copyrighted to Theodore S. Geisel. The characters of SG2, AngelGoten, )\/(ajin \/egita, Karma, Ville, Corey, KG, JMAX, Lemmy, Aibou, Odd, Crisis, BlackFenix, Samurai Moose, Mr. Chichen, Coriander Mankey, Ms. Mad Hatter, and Cumtastic are fictionally modified likenesses of their respective personages. Original concepts for the evil Garden Gnomes created by AngelGoten. A large number of minor jokes may be references to other copyrighted material as well.

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ACT I – Council Meeting

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On a quiet, cliché December evening, snowflakes dance through the chilled air, softly gracing the ground below in a blanket of white. Christmas is only two days away, and all the little children nestled in their beds dream eagerly of the plethora of presents beneath the tree that without a doubt awaits them for their good behaviour all year long. The grown-ups, however, sleep somewhat more restlessly, anticipating the sugar-crazed chaos that is sure to ensue. And in the wild, beyond the warmth within their walls, packs of animals huddle close together to endure the cold, oblivious to this thing called ’Christmas’. Such is the way of the season, to each his own, going about it in various ways…

But perhaps the most interesting celebration of all was about to begin for a small group of hapless morons.

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“Attention, idiots!!”

A voice bellows across the span of a long table crowded with people. The apparent gathering seems to be quite extravagant, taking place inside a large, elongated room; the likeness appears to be more that of a corridor, only far too spacious to be so. The high ceiling is supported by grandiose columns, decorated with embossed figures of what appear to be werewolves, tigers, mermaids and large rabbits. Menacing gargoyles bearing the likeness of a fierce tiger loom over the fancy lamp fixtures in the four corners of the room, providing the only light inside the dim chamber.

The gathering would appear to be a dinner meeting of sorts; the group of people appear to have just finished quite the feast, indeed, and now turn their attention to the speaker at the decorated podium in the front end of the room.

“Her Excellence, the Kaiser of Blood Country, would like to make an announcement”, says a small tiger standing on a soap box behind the pedestal.

All eyes become glued to that spot at the sound of the words, a message from the Blood Kaiser herself too important to ignore. And as the tiger steps down from the pedestal, in comes the Kaiser herself…riding atop a glorious, pristine white stallion.

“What the Hell, Karma?!” bellows the tiger. “How did you get that thing in here in the first place?!” The Kaiser steps down off the horse, patting herself down before making her way to the podium. She grins slyly down at the tiger.

“Because I’m a genius.” The tiger’s expression becomes sullen.

“Just because that’s your answer for everything doesn’t mean it makes sense…”

The Kaiser smiles, gently pushing the tiger away and taking her place at the podium. Looking ahead at the crowded room before her, filled with the most trusted of her advisors, she takes the microphone in hand and prepares to make another of her amazingly well-known, eloquent, and articulate speeches.

“Okay so, like, there’s some important stuff I gotta tell you guys.” The attention of all in the room is centered on their ruler, her way with words captivating the minds of her subjects. “Late last night I was paid a visit…by a garden gnome.”

“A GARDEN GNOME?!” the room bursts into an uproar, merely the mention of the race sworn as enemies to the Blood Kingdom boiling the blood of its citizens.

“Now now, everyone, calm down and listen to what Her Excellence has to say!!” the tiger shouts, trying to reach above the elevated decibel of the room.

“Everyone, please let me finish explaining.” The Kaiser continues. “The Gnome who came here on behalf of Gnomekind did not come here to wage war with us. They’ve come on a mission of peace…seeking help from this kingdom, in fact. It appears that in the offset of the depression brought after they resurrected the Krampus two years ago, their archrivals, the Leprechauns, are planning a full-scale attack on their kingdom…and we’re the only ones with the driving military force to stand a chance against them.”

“The reason Her Excellence has called you here today after the traditional Christmas Eve feast is because this so-called ’mission of peace’ the Gnomes are seeking our help for deeply effects the fate of our Kingdom as well!!” the tiger bellows, taking command of the stage. “The Leprechauns seek to destroy not only the Gnome Kingdom, but all forms of power in their wake!! And if they get their way now, on this very night…we’re all doomed.”

“What my chief advisor SG2 is trying to say is that this night, Christmas Eve, is vital to the Leprechaun plot.” The Kaiser says, taking command of the podium back from the tiger. “Ever since the day we defeated the Krampus two Christmases ago, the Gnome Kingdom fell into economic depression. And since that day, the Leprechaun Kingdom has been plotting, waiting for the right moment when the Gnomes would be most opportune to take down. And from what we’ve been told by Gnome Intelligence, they’ve set a plan in motion to where if they get what they need tonight, they’ll be able to summon a being far more powerful than the Krampus and destroy Christmas as we know it. And with the downfall of Christmas, they aim for St. Patrick’s Day to rise into the spotlight, increasing the power of their kingdom exponentially…and as a major power in IGNOLand, our kingdom is sure to be one of the first targets on their list.”

“Your Kaiser has called you, her team of top advisers, here on this night, to aid her in this dilemma!!” SG2 shouts. “This is a delicate situation for the Blood Kingdom, nay, the entirety of IGNOLand, and we must not make such a decision rashly!!”

“This is an outrage!!” shouts BlackFenix, a vampire servant of the Kaiser who fites for the kingdom with his powers of Paradox. “How dare those filthy gnomes set foot inside the castle of my Lord and Master and ask for HELP of all things!! The scoundrels!!”

“Calm down, you’re just upset because they raped and murdered your family”, says Crisis, dryly. Fenix glares smolderingly down at the mercenary-for-hire.

“They didn’t RAPE them, they only murdered them, you sicko!!” Fenix shouts defensively.

“He has a point anyway, Crisis”, says Lemmy, the prince of the Mermaid Kingdom that resides in the seas just below Blood Country. “We can’t believe a word the Gnomes feed us. They’ve been far too duplicitous to us in the past, even going as far as killing Santa Claus himself last year!! And now they think they can lead us onto their side with some sob story? I’m sincerely arguing against this idea, Your Excellence!!”

“Oh shut up, you filthy sub-human”, says Odd, the resident Epic Fail Guy on the Blood Council. “Your race is barely even recognized as citizens of this kingdom!! The only reason you’re here is because your unlimited supply of magical mermaid blood feeds the Kaiser without forcing her to break her pacifistic vows!! Don’t act so high and mighty just because you rule over a race of filthy fish-men!!”

“What the fuck did you just say to me, Epic Phil Guy?!” screams the Mermaid Prince in defiance, the discrimination of his people running deep within his kind heart at the sound of such insensitive bigotry. “I’ll kill you with my bare hands!!”

“Oh yeah? Well I’ll kill YOU with my FEET, because at least I’ve GOT some, fin-boy!!”

“BRING IT ON, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!”

“Everyone, please, calm down!!” the Kaiser shouts, trying to maintain order. “This is a decision that must be reached rationally!!”

“Well, I’m in on whatever you decide to do, so long as I’m getting paid”, says Crisis.

“Here’s my take on the matter”, interjects Aibou, the resident Bringer-Of-Stabbity-Death and a high-ranking official under the Kaiser. “Sure, we can’t trust the Gnomes outright, but what if they’re telling the truth? Christmas Eve is tonight, and if they’re not lying, then we could be potentially putting ourselves in grave danger if we callously ignore their cry for help.”

“But what if they’re leading us into a trap?” asks Katie, Keeper of the kingdom’s goats, because everyone knows that goat blood is rich in calcium and highly delicious. “We could be severely letting our guard down if we go into this thinking the Leprechauns are our enemies. For all we know, the Gnomes and the Leprechauns are working together in an attempt to take us down!!”

“And that is a good point for argument”, Aibou picks up, “but we need to consider both ends of the situation before we draw EITHER conclusion.”

“So what are you saying?” asks Corey, the militarist expert and resident pimp of the Blood Kingdom. “We go along with the Gnomes on the chance they might be telling the truth, but have a backup plan in place should they try to betray us in the process?”

“Exactly.” says Aibou. “Provided we cover both of our bases effectively, we can focus on learning whether or not the Gnomes are being truthful with us while at the same time being prepared for a counterattack.”

“And what happens if they expect us to take that tactic?” Ville, the shape-shifting katana-wielding samurai of the Blood Force, chimes in, taking a swig of his ale. “They could be prepared to counterattack us AND have their own backup forces employed at our base in the event that we turn on them first!!”

“It’s certainly a delicate situation”, surmises Mr. Chichen, who commands the Chichen Task Force in the name of truth, justice, and uncovering the mysteries behind the anomalies that cause Cherryblossom Rape. “The chichens are shaking…that tells me that they foretold this event happening in the prophecy. They are wise beyond their years, but if only they could predict for us the outcome…”

“Look, I say we go along with it.” SamuraiMoose pipes up. “My moose senses tell me that if we don’t, Christmas is doomed, so at the very least we have to try and save it. We know the Gnomes have had deep ties to the holidays in the past, so it would make sense that they’d be telling the truth.”

“Your moose senses raise a good point, Moose.” Says SG2.

“Thank you. They also tell me classes are cancelled after 12:30.”

“DAMMIT!!”

“Regardless of my feelings on the subject, I must admit Moose raises an excellent point.” Says Fenix. “Provided we follow Aibou’s plan and let Corey determine a military course of action, the odds will be in our favor.”

“Not necessarily”, says Coriander Mankey, the chief Pokemanz of the advising committee. “As someone mentioned earlier, for all we know the GNOMES and LEPRECHAUNS are in on this together and are expecting us to think we need to cover our backs against both individually…and then launch a surprise TEAM ATTACK on us when we least expect it. If we’re going to cover all our bases we need to at least recognize that as a potential outcome as well. I say we bring lots of CARBOS to boost SPEED along with us if we plan for our actions to be SUPER EFFECTIVE.”

“Well, I’m in on whatever you decide to do, so long as I’m getting paid”, says Crisis.

“Yeah, you already said that”, growls SG2.

“It doesn’t really matter to me what we do, because you all raise good points, but we may want to decide quickly”, points out Ms. Mad Hatter, looking up at the clock on the high wall. “It’s already 3 PM on Christmas Eve, and if we assume that the Leprechauns reach their apparent goal by, say, midnight tonight…”

“Then if the Gnome weren’t lying, there’s a good chance we’re all doomed.” finishes JMAX, his hands shaking as he reaches for another cup of coffee.

“You all worry too much”, )v(ajin says calmly.

“What are you saying?!” screams Fenix. “We’re dealing with the potential downfall of the entire kingdom, here!!”

“Yeah, but you’re just a newcomer. Most of you guys have only been appointed since the Gnome Kingdom has been in severe depression. None of you have ever been in a full-scale battle with them before. But me and SG2 have, so we can approach this a bit more rationally since we know what we’re up against.”

“Well…)v(ajin is right, we have saved Christmas four times already, and we’ve been fighting on and off with the Gnomes for even longer than that…” says SG2, noticing all eyes in the room suddenly on her. “Now that I think about it, I’d actually be hard-pressed to believe that the Gnomes in their current state would be capable of something like a large-scale betrayal on their own…and while still possible I suppose, the chance that they’d team up with the Leprechauns just to defeat us seems a bit slim, considering if they could do that, you’d think they’d have done it years ago when we first started wailing on them.”

“Exactly.” Says )v(ajin, nodding confidently. “Besides, you guys are all forgetting the most important thing. The person who knows more about the Gnomes than anyone else and has fought side-by-side with SG2 and myself for the past five years is a member of this very council.”

And with that, )v(ajin glances down to the far end of the table, all eyes in the room following his gaze. It lands upon Angel, the Australian member of the Blood Forces and former, and sometimes current, commander of the entire Gnome Kingdom.

“If anyone knows what the Gnomes could potentially be planning, or what we should do if they happened to betray us, it’s Angel.” )v(ajin declares.

“Hey, yeah, he’s got a point…” Ville notes. Everyone in the room nods.

“What say you, Angel?” asks SG2. “Should we trust the Gnomes?” Angel blinks at the mention of her name.

“Um, what?” she says, sounding confused. “Sorry, I haven’t been paying attention.” At that moment, the head of everyone in the room promptly smacks into the table before them.

“A-heh, um…” SG2 trails off, embarrassed on behalf of her friend. “We’re wondering what we should do about saving Christmas. Do we team up with the Gnomes to fight the Leprechauns, or do we chance it and plan our own attack on the Gnomes while Christmas could potentially be destroyed?”

“Oh, the Gnomes?” she asks, laughing. “Don’t worry about them. If worse comes to worst, I’ll just command them to not attack us. They listen to me.”

“Man, all those years of fighting the Gnomes the hard way and now it’s like Angel can just…tell them to be good, and they will be…” muses )v(ajin. “I guess it sucks that she always hid the fact that she’s been a double-agent all along.”

“Yes, but it helps to have her on our side now. I mean, yeah, sometimes she helps the Gnomes do bad things, but when it comes to saving Christmas, at least, Angel’s always been on our side.” says Corey.

“So it’s settled, then!!” screams SG2, handing the podium over to the Kaiser.

“The Blood Country Forces are to assemble immediately in the courtyard!!”, directs Her Excellence. ”Corey, you and Angel head to the tacticians room, and me, SG2, Aibou and Lemmy will head up to the command center!!”

“Wha? Why me?” asks Lemmy. “I don’t know anything about filing commands, all I do is follow them!!”

“Yes, but I need a before-battle snack, and you just had a big feast so your blood should be especially delicious.”

“Ah ha ha ha. . .ah, good to be a pawn of the Kaiser, ha ha. . .”

“Alright, then, let’s go save Christmas…again!!”

And so begins another adventure to save Christmas…but little do our heroes know that much more lies before them than just a simple army of Leprechauns…

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ACT II – Deciding of the Teams

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After an hour’s worth of planning and making the necessary preparations, the Blood Force assembles outside in the main courtyard. By now, it’s beginning to get dark, and a light snowfall begins to drift through the air. SG2 and Karma enter the courtyard, piggybacking on Lemmy’s shoulders while Aibou chews on the small tiger’s tail. Not willing to suffer a Doom Bunny attack just before the upcoming battle, SG2 uses her newfound Patience Skill to ignore it, stepping to the front of the crowd with an announcement.

“Alright, everyone, Her Excellence and myself have, after much deliberation, decided upon the ideal tactic with which to pursue the Leprechauns.” she proclaims. “Recalling our last adventure to save Christmas, the idea of teamwork proved to be essential in our victory in accomplishing all elements of the mission. And so, based on all of your individual skills, we have decided to divide you into specific teams suited for your abilities.”

“The Beast Team will consist of those of you well-versed in the arts of controlling animals. The members are as follows: Aibou, for her power over the Doom Legion bunnies; Mr. Chichen, for his command over the Chichen Task Force; Katie, who commands the essential Flying Goats; and Coriander Mankey, the Pokemanz who can work without a trainer. You will use the abilities of your animals to do the things us normal folks can’t do.”

“SQUEEE!!! I’ll be satisfied if I get to stab someone =^,^=” squeals Aibou excitedly.

“YOOOOOU!!!!” shouts Mr. Chichen, pointing an accusing finger at Aibou. “Your bunnies stand for everything the Chichen Task Force fights to defeat!!”

“o,o”

“That’s right, but we’ll show you!! Your bunnies will be shown up when my Chichens handle all the heavy-duty work on this mission and leave you in the dust!! THE CHICHENS SHALL INHERIT THE UNIVERSE!!”

“oo” Aibou stares blankly, only moments before stabbing Mr. Chichen in the side. Meanwhile, SG2 continues forming the other squadrons.

“The Intelligence Team will consist of those of you who excel in information-gathering and tactics. The members are as follows: Corey, for his background in working both for and against the commies; Angel, because she knows more about the Gnomes than anyone else, and by extension knows a bit more about our mutual enemies, the Leprechauns; Crisis, whose mech has valuable data search functions, even if it lacks spell-check; and Ville…just because he needs to be on the same team as Corey for the obvious reasons.” Everyone chuckles after this statement.

“Wait, I don’t get it, what’s so funny about Ville being on the same team as Corey?” asks Fenix.

“Oh, that’s right, you haven’t really been around long enough to know. Basically the running speculation is that Corey and Ville have a major thing for one another.” explains Crisis.

“What, you mean they’re gay?” queries Fenix.

“Hey, baby, it’s never gay…it’s just Snoop.” corrects Ms. Mad Hatter.

“Even if balls are touching?” Fenix asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Even if. The power of Snoop makes even that totally not gay.”

“But that’s impossible!!”

“No wait, I think I get it. It’s not gay unless balls are touching, but because it’s not gay, it’s just Snoop…then that means, so long as Snoop is present, even in the event that balls ARE touching, it’s still not gay?” Crisis muses.

“Correct.”

“That’s…PARADOX!!” Fenix exclaims.

“AHEM, EVERYBODY, HELLO I AM NOT DONE INTRODUCING THE TEAMS, THANK YOU, SO KINDLY STFU!!” SG2 shouts.

“Uh-oh, we better listen to her…she’s Sexy Kibito, after all.” Crisis states.

“I HEARD THAT YOU BASTARD!!” growls SG2. “Now then, if I may CONTINUE, please…”

“The Offense Team will consist of those of you who have proven yourselves to be skilled fighters. The members are as follows: )v(ajin, who has proven his worth by having been present in every fight to save Christmas for the past five years; BlackFenix, whose Paradox powers are a sight to behold, and SamuraiMoose, who…is a moose samurai…and logically should be on the offensive squadron.”

“Alright, this is gonna be more awesome than Battle Toads!! And that’s pretty freakin’ awesome.” Moose exclaims.

“Ummmmmmmmmm…what?” asks Fenix.

“Whatever, it’s been forever since I’ve seen any action!!” says )v(ajin, cracking his knuckles.

“The next team”, SG2 goes on, “shall be the…uh…S-Special…Ops…Division…which shall consist of Odd, Ms. Mad Hatter, and JMAX…because those two are the only ones who would have the patience to actually put up with being on the same team as Odd. I-I mean…you guys are very, very special. So special, so important to this team, you are. Very…very…special.”

“It’s all good, because I can handle any possible zombie attacks!!” shouts Epic Fail Guy. “And I bet when we finish this I can make a film about it, it’ll be all about how the Garden Gnomes stole the dolphin eggs and then Zelta and Kath can make cameo appearances!!”

“What’s he talking about?” asks JMAX, having just dashed across the world with his super caffeinated speed and downed another 12 Starbucks coffees in the time that Odd was still rambling.

“Oh, don’t worry, that’s just how it is. And if it gets to be too much we have backup measures for dealing with him.” says Ms. Mad Hatter.

“What do you mean?”

“Hey, Odd!!” Ms. Mad Hatter yells, getting the attention of the zombie-crazed Italian.

“What’s wrong, I know, I’m being obnoxious aren’t I?” he asks. “That’s just how I am, so deal with it or I’ll send Spaghetti God after your asses!!”

“Hatchet Balls.” Ms. Mad Hatter says calmly.

“…I-I’ll be good.” says Odd, his expression having gone white within seconds.

“And finally…” continues SG2, “the last team will be made up of me, Lemmy, and Her Excellence, your Kaiser, Karma. And we shall be called Gold Team because we’re awesome.”

“That’s just because I’M here.” says Karma, her face beaming with conceited pride.

“You’d best lose that conceit soon because the second we leave Blood Country I’m no longer subservient to you, and you’re gonna get smacked.” replies SG2, glowering at her.

“You know you could never hit me. You love me too much.” Karma shoots back, never losing the smug grin.

“One of these days…there will be bricks…and you will be sorry…” mumbles SG2 under her breath.

“Hey, I’m on Gold Team!! Awesome, I’m cool now, like you guys!!” Lemmy cries out excitedly.

“SILENCE, SLAVE!!” barks SG2, smacking the Mermaid Prince upside the head.

“Yeah, and I’m hungry again, too!! Wrist, Lemmy, wrist!! Snap to it, we don’t have all day!!” Karma shouts.

“…Oh how I love my nothing…” says the prince, lowering his head solemnly and holding out his wrist for his Vampire Kaiser.

“So uh, if you don’t mind my asking…” Fenix pipes in, breaking the camaraderie of the trio, “…How exactly do we know where to FIND the Leprechauns?”

“Well,” Karma begins, “Gnome Intelligence pretty much told me that much last night. Their kingdom is in the most obvious place possible, too…somewhere over the Rainbow.”

“T-the Rainbow?! You mean THE Rainbow?” Fenix stammers. “But you know I’m colorblind!! I can’t SEE the Rainbow!!”

“Yeah, I know, and not everyone among us is a devout member of the Rainbow in the eyes of the church yet, either.” Karma explains. “Which is why Corey’s team will first be sent to one of the secret underground sects of the Rainbow, and use Crisis’ technology to record all the information we need to get there.”

“Wait, ’get’ there? You mean the Rainbow’s not just a religion, but a place, too?”

“How did you think the Leprechauns hid their pot of gold at the end of it?” SG2 points out. “The Rainbow is a kind of Heaven…a Nirvana of sorts that you can only see if you’re a true believer in the Way of the Rainbow. But they have ways of knowing if you’re a true believer or not, and if they got a hold of any of us, it’d be bad news for us and all of Christmas.”

“Which is exactly why we’re doing reconnaissance before we attempt any assault whatsoever.” says the Kaiser. “Once we can all see the Rainbow, we’ll have no problem infiltrating the Leprechaun base and getting to the bottom of whatever they’re scheming for Christmas.”

“So are we to assume that all the Leprechauns are already well-versed in the way of the Rainbow?” asks Crisis. “What if we don’t make it in time? Christmas Eve is already well past being half over. Don’t you think they’ll already be working on whatever this plan of theirs is?”

“Well yeah, but according to Gnome Intelligence, their plan, whatever it may be, cannot be completed before Christmas Eve ends. So theoretically, as of midnight, we need to expect that they may be finished with their scheme.”

“There’s not much time, then…” says Aibou disparagingly.

“Relax”, )v(ajin yawns out, stretching as though bored out of his mind with the waiting. “We’ve done this for how many years, now? And we’re always on a ticking clock when we do it, too. It’ll work out fine, trust me.”

“Let’s hope you’re right.” says Katie “Well…whenever we’re ready. The Flying Goats are getting restless just sitting here.”

“She’s got a point” SG2 says, looking at Karma. “We should probably head out.”

“Alright, then, I guess we split up from here. My team will head to the Gnome base and see if they’ve learned anything new. Corey’s team will go to the Secret Underground Temple of the Rainbow, and Moose’s team will accompany them as offensive backup. Aibou’s team will head to the known entrance point to the Rainbow and wait for confirmation from Corey’s team for the OK to enter. We’re assuming some sort of passcode is required; that’s just always how these things work.”

“Everybody ready?” reinforces SG2, anxious to get the show on the road.

“Hey, wait a second!!” Odd shouts, pushing his way through the crowd over to SG2’s area. “You didn’t give my team a mission!!”

“That’s because YOU guys have the most important mission of all!! You’re to stay here and protect the home base in the chance that we get attacked while the Kaiser is away!!” SG2 explains in a very phony upbeat tone.

“Really? You trust such an important job to…Epic Fail Guy?”

“This is your chance to prove yourself, Epic Phil Guy!! Prove that you can fail at the most important thing at all…failing!!”

“Right, I’ll do my best!!” Odd says, giving his Kaiser and her officers a proud salute.

“Then if everyone else is all set, it’s time to get going!!”

And so, with the clock to saving Christmas ticking down, the teams goes off on their separate paths. Legions of beasts fill the snowy skies and a mech carries several passengers through the approaching whiteout. A Super Saiyajin powers up and blasts off lugging two confused pedestrians along with him, hoping his breakneck speed won’t break the necks of his live cargo. And as the shining forms fade away, the members of Gold Team watch from the ground below.

“Alright, we’re next.” says the Kaiser. “Bend down, Lemmy, we need to get on your freakishly tall shoulders.”

“W-what?! But you have a freaking HORSE, can’t you ride that?!” the prince protests.

“Nope.”

“She truly has a way with words, doesn’t she?” says SG2, grinning at her friend.

And with that, the journey to protect Christmas truly begins.

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ACT III – To Each His Own Danger

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“Nnngh. Rough enough landing?!” barks Corey, brushing the dust off his body.

“I couldn’t help it. The snow’s really coming down, now, and the wind speed is faster than I can counter.” replies Crisis, promptly retracting his wings and scanning the surrounding area.

“Where are we…?” Angel asks.

“Well, according to my radar scan, this is indeed the entryway to the underground Temple of the Rainbow.” says Crisis.

“Underground temples, eh?” says Moose. “Kinda reminds me of that Underground Railroad that Susan B. Anthony founded way back when.”

“What th…that’s HARRIET TUBMAN, dumbass!!” screams Fenix, knocking Moose upside the head.

“It’s the same thing!!”

“Could you guys shut up for two seconds?”Crisis warns in a loud whisper. “We need to be quiet or they’ll find us!! We’re going to need to sneak in and spy on their meeting.”

“I don’t know if THAT’S necessary”, says Fenix. “I mean, we’re here because we need to learn information about the Leprechaun society, but I don’t think we should automatically jump to the conclusion that ALL members of the Rainbow are bad people. I mean…isn’t the Kaiser a member…?”

“Long ago those who worshipped the Rainbow split into two sects.” a voice answers. “There was a great civil conflict and many were killed by their own fellow believers, just because our method of worship varied.”

“Wait, huh…?” says Moose, in a low voice.

“There were those who left us; insisting the Rainbow could be reached by missions of peace and love, and that the victorious praise of His Rainbowness would smile upon them for their good deeds…” the footsteps draw closer; the voice, louder. “And those of us who stayed behind, here, serving the one and only true power that those who seek the Rainbow will have bestowed upon them for their endeavors…”

“Geez, Corey, you sure know a lot about the Rainbow.” says Fenix.”

“I’m not Corey.” the voice replies, hands reaching out to grab Fenix by the throat. The others jump backward with a jolt, shocked at the sight of what is apparently a monk of the Rainbow temple.

“W-who the Hell are you?!” demands )v(ajin, powering up.

“It is impolite for intruders to ask the names of their hosts.” the monk responds. “But should you wish to truly discover the meaning of our version of the Rainbow…please, allow me to escort you.”

“Dammit, caught before we even got close…!! I don’t believe this!!” shouts Ville before he, just like the others, is grabbed and carried off into the darkness…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Ooooooh no, like HELL I’m the only one going in there!!!!!!!!”

Team Gold stands before a tiny burrow in the side of a hill. Lemmy is on one end, Karma on the other, as they struggle to hold SG2 back from a random fit of rage.

“Let go of me, Dammit!!” she growls. “Why should I have to go into the Gnome base when you two get to stay out here where it’s relatively more safe?!”

“You’re the only one who’ll fit inside that tiny hole. . .” says the prince.

“DAMMIT LEMMY LET GO OF ME SO I CAN KILL YOU!!!!”

“Calm down, SG2.” the Kaiser says in a calm voice. “Besides what Lemmy said, you have to admit you have more experience dealing with the Gnomes than us. Like )v(ajin said, you guys have been fighting them for years.”

“Which is exactly why they’ll want to kill me on sight!!” protests the tiger.

“Yeah well…good luck with that, then.”

“WHA—”

The next thing SG2 knows, she’s being pushed into the hole by force by her two so-called friends. And suddenly…it’s very dark. A musty, gnome-like smell permeates the tight shaft and as SG2 comes to a rough landing, she hears a soft sound.

“Wait a minute…that sounds like…”

“Water?” Lemmy says, back on the surface.

“That’s right.” Karma nods. “That’s how we’re going to get in there. The Gnome civilization is underground, and it’s connected to a small basin that leads into a little cave down there.”

“…How do YOU know all this?” Lemmy asks, cocking an eyebrow.

“Because I’m a genius.”

“. . .Of course. . .”

“Anyway, you’ll swim down through the waterway and carry us into the Gnome cave, and hopefully we’ll meet up with SG2 before she does anything stupid.”

“Well it was your idea to send her in first when if you had this kind of idea…you’d think we could have just all…gone together…” Lemmy trails off. “…Hey, how do you plan on doing this, anyway? I mean, I can breathe underwater, but you…”

“Don’t worry about it, Lemmy. Remember…I’m a genius.”

“…Uh…”

“Now let’s hurry and get going!! If I know SG2, she’s already nose-deep in trouble…”

“…I still don’t understand why you sent her…ah…nevermind…”

“GO GO GO!!” Karma cries, leaping onto Lemmy’s shoulders once more. And with that, they head to the mermaid sea…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Are you sure this is a good idea…?” Katie asks, dismounting a flying goat. “I’m pretty sure we were told to just wait for Corey’s signal once we got here…”

“Come on, now, where’s the fun in that?” Aibou asks, climbing up over a fence. On the other side looms a vast, colorful landscape. “So this is it…”

“The Rainbow!!” says a familiar, jolly-sounding voice. The group turns their gaze forward, shocked at the sight that lies on the other side of the gate.

“Santa!!” they scream simultaneously.

“W-what are you doing here?” asks Mr. Chichen.

“I received an urgent request telling me this place was in desperate need of an emergency joy transfusion!!” Santa exclaims. “And oh, I know I only have a few hours until I need to start delivering toys to the children of the world, but how could I ignore the spirit of Christmas and not help those in need?”

“Wait, hold on…you mean…someone CALLED you here?” Aibou asks.

“That’s right!!”

“Uh-oh…” whispers Coriander Mankey. “This sounds like exactly what we came here trying to prevent!!”

“Listen, Santa, you’re in grave danger!!” Katie warns. “This is all part of an evil plot to—”

Suddenly, Katie is struck by a mysterious force, causing her to collapse conveniently before finishing her sentence. Santa is then suddenly flung backward and raised high into the air, encased in a miniature force field. All eyes suddenly focus on the gigantic monstrosity towering over them…a hideous, misshapen beast who could only have been branded as a sin against nature.

“Wh-what IS that th-th-thing?!” Mr. Chichen stammers, stumbling back over Katie’s fallen body.

“I’m the LepreGnome, guardian of this magical gateway to the Rainbow Realm.” the creature says, introducing itself. “Santa Claus will be coming with me. And as for the rest of you…” he pauses, entering a fighting stance. “I’m afraid you will go no further.”

“Well, one thing seems certain, now”, points out Coriander Mankey. “If this thing really is what it says it is, and it’s after SANTA…then I guess that means we were betrayed, and the GNOMES and the LEPRECHAUNS have been working together after all. We’ve got to warn the others, somehow…” he picks up the communication device handed to the team earlier for the purpose of contacting Corey. “…Oh man, no signal…”

“A-heh…real great idea of yours, climbing over that fence, Aibou…” Mr. Chichen laughs, trying to mask the terror in his voice. “I guess this is the best time to show the Chichen’s skills versus those of the Doom Legion as any, huh…?”

“Guess so…” Aibou mutters, glancing down as the goats tend to their master’s apparent corpse. “D-Damn, the one time I regret going against what I was told to do…well, guess there’s nothing left for us now but to fight!!” she cries, whipping two large swords out of apparently nowhere.

“I’m afraid none of you can be allowed to leave here alive.”

The chichens form up against their commander and the Doom Bunnies enter an attack formation. The LepreGnome swings his massive arms into the air, crashing his fists together as they come down and causing an ear-shattering quake of sound to echo through the entire area. The goats form a protective ring around their captain, hoping she may still be able to be revived. Coriander Mankey dons the giant banana suit and prepares to battle alongside his teammates…hoping they can at least hold their own until their fellow teams manage to come to their aid.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“…You see anything…?”

The Special Ops Division sits quietly on the front stoop of Blood Castle, shivering in the cold as the snow continues to fall down around them. It’s been two hours already since the other teams left, and so far there’s been nary a sign of danger befalling the kingdom.

“No…not yet.” sighs JMAX, shaking from more than just the caffeine as the snow piles up around him. Ms. Mad Hatter sneezes.

“Nngh…did they really need to leave us behind without even a way to contact them and see how things are going?” she asks.

“Can’t be helped, I guess…we’re lesser members because we don’t contribute as often.” JMAX surmises. “I suppose we have only ourselves to blame for not posting so infrequently.”

“Hey, I post.” Ms. Mad Hatter protests. “I just mostly do it in the /random/ section.”

“But your post count doesn’t go up if you only post in there. That’s why you’re still recognized as being a lesser member.”

“Alright, fine. Maybe I’ll try to expand my posting in the future, but you’re hardly one to talk.”

“True, true.”

“But what about that guy…?” Ms. Mad Hatter asks, pointing to the frozen body of Odd just a few feet away. “He seems to post often enough, so how come he’s stuck staying behind with us?”

“Because he’s Epic Phil Guy.”

“True enough.”

“…I do feel bad about dousing him with the hose, though.”

“Yeah, well…couldn’t be helped. I think we were more in danger from him than any potential Gnome attacks or whatever lame excuse they used to keep us behind. ’Special Ops Division’…why not just come out and say you couldn’t think of anything for us to do in the story, SG2? I don’t see the purpose of lying…”

“Hey, now, no need to break the fourth wall over it!! Let’s just relax. I mean, yeah, it’s cold, but we’re not the ones out there probably being killed off by tiny magical fairy men, at least.”

“Yeah, I guess you have a point.”

“Eh, at least there’s plenty of coffee.”

“I guess so.”

“…This scene is pretty boring, you know?”

“Yup.”

“Maybe if we shut up, it’ll transition back to something more exciting.”

“Guess we’ll see.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

ACT IV – The Terri-Bible

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Fuck fuck FUCK!!” screams Corey, rattling the bars of his cage.

“Yeah…this is some fine mess we’ve gotten ourselves into.” says Fenix dryly.

Hanging above a very cliché pit of lava, our heroes are trapped in metal cages, awaiting their certain doom for daring to trespass in the secret underground cult of the Rainbow. And what’s worse, the intense heat of the chamber threatens to melt the cages right off their hinges…if it doesn’t melt the skin off its prisoners first.

“I can NOT believe this is happening!! This is totally not how I wanted to spend my Christmas!! I mean, Tim’s mom is waiting for me right now in that skimpy outfit I bought her, complete with edible—”

“Hey, look!!” cries Moose, pointing to the sudden scene below them.

Into the dungeon suddenly enter legions of Rainbow monks, forming a circle around the central pit of lava above which the two teams dangle. One monk in particular looks up at the metallic enclosures, a sly grin seen from under his hood.

“That guy, right there…he’s the one who brought us here!!” Ville exclaims.

“SSSSSSSSSSH, YOU IDIOT!!” Crisis warns.

“What, like they don’t already know we’re here?! You’re a bit late on the stealth part, dumbass!!” Ville shoots back mockingly.

“Whatever, I don’t know why I’m not blasting this cage open right here and now!!” Crisis says, cocking one of his guns.

“Because it wouldn’t do you or the rest of us any good.” points out Angel. “If the cages shatter we’re still above burning hot lava. Even those of us who can fly would be out of luck; getting any closer than where we are now would just make our wings melt. We’re doomed either way.”

“She’s right, unfortunately”, )v(ajin says. “We really have no choice right now but to sit tight and see why they brought us here. If they wanted to kill us, they’d have done so already…so for the time being we should bide our time and wait for the right moment to escape.”

“Let’s be quiet and watch.” says Fenix, noting that the monks have now all assembled into what appears to be a ritualistic circle.

One by one, the monks kneel upon the apparently sacred ground, bowing their hands and chanting in unison. And as they do this, one monk, dressed in a rainbow-colored cloak, steps out to the front of the crowd, taking out a large, worn, demonic-looking book.

“Is that…?” Crisis muses, using a vision scope to get a closer look at the tome. “It can’t be…”

“What? What is it?” asks Fenix in a low voice.

The monk removes his hood, causing the chanting around him to abruptly stop. Taking the book into both hands, he opens it up, raising it up high into the air.

“Ímv`\f1„gc\f2!! 0zÇYLÏÅÑ!!”

And with that, the book levitates above him, its pages flipping erratically on its own. A dark force swirls throughout the room, and fumes begin to rise from the bubbling lava in the center of the chamber.

“What in the world…?” Moose wonders aloud.

“This is bad…it’s just like I thought!!” Crisis yells over the sudden volume in the room.

“What’s going on, Crisis?” asks Corey. “What is it?!”

“That book, unless I miss my guess, it’s…it’s the Terri-Bible!!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“The ’Terri-Bible’?” asks Karma, slugging out of the watery depths into the entrance to the Gnome’s hideout. Her voice echoes within the damp chamber. “What’s that?”

“You mean you’ve never heard of it?” the prince asks, surprised. “It must not be a tale they pass down to you surface dwellers. . .but to all Merkind, it’s a story we remember with great fear from centuries ago when an ancient ancestor of mine, a previous prince of the royal family, accidentally used it to summon a great evil.”

“A great evil? What do you mean?” she asks again, looking at her surroundings. “Wait…if you don’t mind, I say we cut storytime short for now. We need to find SG2.”

“Right, good plan. I’ll explain on the way.”

“Got it.” the Kaiser agrees, jumping onto Lemmy’s shoulders.

“Dammit, why always with the. . .meh.” he shrugs, sprouting his temporary legs and dashing through the dank corridors. “Anyway. The tale tells of a foolish young Merprince who fell in love with a beautiful maiden…but that maiden was also foolish. And one day, she decided to venture to the surface. . .which back in the ancient times was an expressly forbidden practice.”

“What happened to her?”

“Well, she was found, and she was punished. She was transformed into a common goldfish and was sold to a pet store where she became some snot-nosed kid’s pet. And since snot-nosed kids don’t have the responsibility to care for goldfish, she quickly died.”

“How horrible…”

“But that’s not all. See, when the—” he’s cut short upon crashing into something; not surprising given the darkness of the underground pathways.

“Augh, freaking…” says the small creature, rubbing the back of its head before rising to its feet. “…Huh? You guys…?”

“Huh? SG2?” Karma marvels, blinking in surprise. “Well, that’s convenient. How’d you get here?”

“How the Hell do you think?!” the tiger barks. “You pushed me down that freaking hole!! Then I got lost trying to find whatever you shoved me down here to do, an—hey, wait a minute!! What are YOU two doing here?!”

“We came to rescue you, apparently.” Lemmy says dryly.

“WHAT THE HELL, KARMA?!” screams SG2.

“There’s no time for that now.” the Kaiser explains. “Lemmy was just explaining to me on our way here that he felt a terrible evil radiating through the water, and he thinks he knows what’s behind it.”

“Huh? Evil?”

“Come on, we have to find the central command center of the Gnomes. I’ll finish explaining on the way, so pay attention, because if I’m right, splitting up the way we all did was a very dangerous idea.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Aaaaaugh!!”

Aibou screams as she’s struck with a bone-shattering blow, flung back against the wall to join the heaping bodies of her comrades. Beaten, bloody, and with barely any hope of survival, they’re the only hope left for saving Santa Claus from the evil Leprechaun plot. But faced with this sin against all things holy, this LepreGnome, all of that hope seems lost.

“If only we had a little holiday magic…” Mr. Chichen groans, struggling to lift a broken hand.

“If only we could get our hands on some of that Piski Dust…” Aibou murmurs, her throat clearly on the verge of collapsing in.

“PISKI…DUST…?” Coriander Mankey repeats questioningly.

“It’s…*cough cough* It’s the magical…dust…the Garden Gnomes stole from the Piskis…the Piskis are the good counterparts of the evil Pixies, who the Gnomes were…*sputter* –king with, last time…from what I hear it’s very…*cough* powerful…*hack*”

“Aibou, stop talking!!” Mr. Chichen cries. “Your throat will cave in if you struggle anymore!! Listen, let’s…as much as I hate to say it, let’s work together!!” Aibou struggles to turn her head to face him, blinking in confusion. “Yes…tell one or two of your Doom Bunnies to climb aboard one of my chichens…I’ll create a diversion and send the chichen to find the others, and tell them they’re all in grave danger!!”

“It’s no use…they’ll never…reach us…in time…*hack hack*”

“Maybe not…but if there’s a chance that we can still save Santa, I’ll try at the risk of my life, and maybe at the risk of yours, too!!”

“That’s not a very…noble thing to say, MR. CHICHEN …” Coriander Mankey manages, his face swollen from a few too many blows by the LepreGnome.

“I don’t care!! Christmas is on the line, for Goodness Sakes!! I’m not gonna pout, I’m not gonna cry…that LepreGnome better watch out and I’m telling you why!! Because Mr. Chichen has come to town!!” he yells, clamoring to his feet. “I’m not going down without a fight because if I give in now, Christmas will be ruined forever, and it’ll be replaced by some lame Irish holiday that’s only an excuse for excessive drinking!! …actually that doesn’t sound so bad, but no, no, Dammit, I won’t let Christmas be destroyed!! Not as long as I’m still standing!!”

“M-Mr…Chichen…” Aibou croaks out.

“Don’t worry, Aibou, just rest. Just do as I said and I’ll take care of everything else.” She nods, stretching out a weak hand to two of her Doom Bunnies. Understanding the signal, they hop aboard a chichen, who awaits orders from its captain.

“Hey, LepreGnome!!” Mr. Chichen cries out. “I’d like to see you just try and stop me because…THE CHICHENS WILL INHERIT THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!”

And with a fierce battlecry, Mr. Chichen charges straight ahead at the LepreGnome, fist meeting fist…and the much larger fist pretty much breaking the smaller one upon contact, because things like David and Goliath just don’t happen every day. Mr. Chichen is severely outclassed within seconds…but in this distraction, the flying goats help lead the chichen out through the other side of the gate where it makes its escape…and will hopefully reach the others with news before it’s too late.

Only three hours remain until the clock strikes midnight.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“You’ve got to be kidding me!!” SG2 screams.

“Sssh!!” warns Karma. “The caverns are getting lighter from here on out. That means we’re getting closer, so we need to keep our voices down!!”

“Right, sorry…” the tiger says, trying to keep it to a whisper. “So you’re telling me that the world is going to end because some foolish mermaid chick got herself turned into a goldfish?”

“Silly as it sounds I’m afraid that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Lemmy explains, continuing to dash through the hallways with the other two on his back. “Now apparently what most of you surface-dwellers do with dead fish is flush them down the toilet, which is logical because it returns them back to their natural habitat, the sea, where they can be decomposed back into their original environment. But what you don’t realize is that mermaid magic must never come into contact with the chemicals inside of a toilet.”

“What? What kind of stupid explanation is that?” barks SG2.

“I’m not finished. See, the chemicals you use to keep your toilet bowls clean counteracts with the natural chemical makeup of us mermaids…and while it may be harmless to you humans, or even harmless to the fish you’re flushing, there’s a chemical reaction that takes place between something one-half man and one-half fish that makes us who we are. But if that chemical comes into contact with the ones inside your toilets, our genetic makeup breaks down. . .and it spells absolute chaos.”

“But wait, what they flushed was still technically a fish, so what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is that she was still chemically a mermaid, and merely her form took on the likeness of a goldfish. It wouldn’t have been a punishment if she hadn’t kept her mind intact to be reminded of the way she betrayed her kind.”

“So what happened when she got flushed?” the Kaiser asks.

“Well the long story short of it is that when she reached the sea, she had regained her former beautiful mermaid form. And when the prince saw that his beloved had returned, he planned to run away from the kingdom that very night so they could elope and spend the rest of their lives together. But. . .his plans didn’t exactly happen like he thought they would.”

“Because even though she looked the same…”

“Exactly. She wasn’t the same mermaid the prince had fallen in love with. Her trip through your sewer system had changed her. . .and that night, at their wedding, she revealed her true form…and ate the prince.”

“That’s awful!!”

“Well, the prince asked for it. He called her fat when she transformed.”

“Oh, okay.”

“ But that’s not the point, here. What she became was essentially like the ’Godzilla’ you surface dwellers speak of. . .one after another she rampaged through the undersea civilizations, destroying everything in her wake. It’s her fault that the great city of Atlantis became ’lost’.”

“So you’re saying this monster is somehow the same thing that you sensed in the water before? But how is that possible?”

“I’m not sure, but every mermaid knows the feeling of that aura. . .it’s in our blood from birth as a result of the pain suffered by our ancestors.”

“But how would such a thing get here? How would the Gnomes have gotten a hold of it?”

“Well. . .there was a brave, young mermaid hero who sought to end the destruction once and for all. . .and he was well versed in the arts of mermaid magic.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Look upon the sight before you, foolish mortals, and remember the tale you are about to hear!!”

The Rainbow monk’s voice fills the dungeon as the two caged teams tremble in fear. A dark magical energy swirls through the air, growing thick enough to taste.

“This book before you is the cornerstone of our sect as followers of the Rainbow!!” the monk goes on. “Only those who become true believers in the power of the Rainbow are allowed to set foot in this sacred chamber, their power lent to that of our holy prophet…and from this book, after centuries of lying dormant, I will summon her forth!!”

“Dammit, no!! Why does this have to happen?! And at Christmas?!” Moose curses.

“You know, aside from the few scant clues, it’d otherwise be easy to forget this story was even ABOUT Christmas.” Crisis points out. “Just saying.”

“GOD DAMMIT CRISIS THIS IS NOT THE TIME!!” cries Fenix. “We’re all going to die and there’s nothing we can do to stop it!!!

“IT IS TIME, MY LORD!!” cries the Rainbow monk. “FROM THE CONFINES OF THIS BOOK, I RELEASE YOU!! AND SOON THE WORLD WILL BE BLANKETED IN THE BOSOM OF YOUR CHAOS AND DESTRUCTION!!”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Haaaah…who…who are you…?!”

The LepreGnome wipes blood from his chin, struggling back to its feet after the sharp, unexpected blow. Mr. Chichen lays sprawled across the ground, his neck clearly broken. He stares up with glazed-over eyes at his apparent saviour…one who needs no introduction.

“Who, me?” asks Cumtastic as she stands before the LepreGnome confidently. “I’m just passing through. I actually don’t even know how I got here or what’s going on, but it’s alright, I’m just along for the ride.”

“Cum…tastic…?” Mr. Chichen croaks out. “W-who…”

“Oh, don’t mind me, you guys. I’m always showing up unannounced for no reason at all at the most convenient times…it’s just what I do. But you can relax, because I think I’ve already got this guy beaten.”

“That’s impossible!!” Mr. Chichen protests. “Have you seen what he’s done to us all? Don’t take him so lightly!!”

“I’m not.”

“But there’s no way you can—”

“Alright, you win.” says LepreGnome. “I surrender. I’m no match for your clear superiority…you’re granted free access to the Rainbow. Congratulations.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!”

“Told you.” Cumtastic says casually. “So if that’s all, I’ll be taking my leave, now.”

And with that, just as quickly and mysteriously as she appeared, the enigmatic Cumtastic vanishes without a trace, leaving the battle-wounded warriors astounded by the sudden turn of events.

“But…we’re still stuck here until the others get our message…” Mr. Chichen groans.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“The…Toiletarian?” asks SG2 as Lemmy screeches to a stop.

“Sssh. . .hang on.” the prince says. “I think we might be at the center of their hideout.”

“…”

“…Can you at least finish explaining this before we do anything else? The suspense is killing me!!” SG2 whines.

“Oh, alright.” agrees the prince. “The rest is really quite simple. After the hero sealed the Toiletarian inside the magical book, which then became known as the Terri-Bible, the book was banished from Mertopia and sent to the surface where only those with evil hearts would dare to seek it out.”

“So do you think maybe the Leprechauns got a hold of it and are planning to use it for some evil purpose?” asks Karma.

“That is what we seem to be heading into, yeah.”

“But you sensed its presence in the water on your way down here, you said.” SG2 points out. “That would have to mean that the Gnome and the Leprechaun headquarters are connected somehow, and that the Gnomes have been in on the plot to destroy Christmas all along, just like last year!!”

“Do you think this is a problem?” says a Gnome, holding a cocked gun to SG2’s head. The other two freeze as more Gnomes come to surround them. “It seems you’ve stumbled upon something you really shouldn’t have.”

“…Well, this just keeps getting better and better, huh?” says SG2 as the trio is carried off to the secret underground lair of the Gnomes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Meanwhile, in the secret underground lair of the Rainbow…

“Not so fast, me boyo!!”

With a sudden flash, a mysterious figure leaps into the central dungeon and kicks the lead Rainbow monk square in the head, causing him to lose his concentration. The book suddenly slams shut and the shadowy being grabs it, knocking out several more monks and causing the rest to flee in fear. Quickly dashing to the side of the room a lever is pulled and a steal grate appears over the lava pool, and the chains suspending the cages from the ceiling snap…but the strange apparition catches them all in time before they shatter from the fall, gently setting them down one at a time before moving to catch the next. And all in the blink of an eye…the figure leaps up to the tall ceiling, too high and too fast to be seen.

“I’ll be takin’ this with me, now, laddie buck, thanks be to ye!!” And in a flash, the would-be rescuer of the teams is gone.

“…Just what in the Hell was that thing?” asks Fenix, his eyes fixated on the spot where the stranger just was in amazement.

“Do you suppose it was a Leprechaun?” asks Crisis as he blasts open his own followed by everyone else’s prisons.

“No…Leprechauns are Irish.” Moose points out. “That thing sounded more like…a Scottish pirate…”

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter who or what it was, just that it saved our lives.” Corey says, looking around the room. “Well…I’d say that little adventure qualifies as ’gathering information about the Rainbow’, wouldn’t you? Given that there are only two hours left until Christmas, I’d say we should report back to—hm?” he pauses, a sudden flapping of wings coming down through the open ceiling. Sure enough, the chichen flaps awkwardly down to a landing in the chamber below.

“…Isn’t this one of Mr. Chichen’s pets?” asks Ville. “What’s it doing here?”

“Yeah, and those are Aibou’s bunnies!!” Angel exclaims. “What’s going on?”

A Doom Bunny hops down off the chichen, carrying a note in its teeth. It leaps over to Crisis, hopping up on his shoulder and handing him the message, which he begins to read.

“Dear you guys…whoever gets this message first, I sent the chichen to whoever was the closest, but it doesn’t matter…we may or may not still be alive by the time you get this notice, but it seems that the Leprechauns and Gnomes have been working together this entire time after all. And their plot…”

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“…Was to kidnap Santa Claus and use his holiday magic to deliver an ultimatum to the world…and that unless he and all the other holidays surrendered to our might, we’d use the Terri-Bible to summon the evil Toiletarian and bring destruction upon all of mankind for shunning us for centuries.”

The Gold Team members stand at gunpoint before the current chief of Gnome operations. A Leprechaun stands by his side as their insidious plot is conveniently explained to the opposition.

“You see, if we could make St. Patrick’s Day the new Christmas, then the first step in our plan of global domination would be complete!! No longer would the Leprechauns or the Gnomes be shunned by your society of tall freaks!! It would bring the dawn of a new day of miniature domination!!”

“But why? Why Christmas?!” SG2 protests. “If you had the power to summon this Toiletarian thing at any time, why would you need to wait until midnight on Christmas Eve to achieve your plan?”

“Because that is when Santa’s holiday magic reaches its peak!!” the Gnome explains. “And then and only then can the power of the Piski Dust, the magical powder that allows his reindeer to fly, among other things, reach its true potential!!”

“Potential…?” asks Karma.

“Yes…you see, the Gnomes stole the magical Piski Dust long, long ago, but we needed it to fulfill our plans!!” the Leprechaun goes on. “So for years they have been our mortal enemies…until we realized we should be united against a common foe, you filthy humans!!”

“Objection!!” shouts Lemmy. “I’m not actually with these guys; I’m kind of the prince of all mermaids, if you’ll just take a look at my records and then I’ll be going okay thank you for your time…”

“YOU ARE WORSE THAN ANY HUMAN!!” screams the Gnome. “You’re a magical humanoid being like us, but you chose to side with humans!! You must pay for this treason with your life!!”

“Hey, wait a minute, CHOSE?! If you knew anything about THESE two you’d know that CHOICE is the last thi—”

“SILENCE!!” cries the Leprechaun. “Don’t forget who’s calling the shots, here!! Now that we have the Piski Dust, in just a few more hours we’ll be able to fuse it with our special virus that will turn all the humans of the world into microscopic organisms, and then finally, WE will be the tall ones, and WE will rule over your inferior kind!!”

“You’re putting us through all of this just so you guys can feel tall?! That’s madness!!”

“That may be so, but now that we have Santa captive at Rainbow command center, there’s nothing you can do to stop us!!” laughs the Leprechaun.

“He’s right, and if you even try, we’ll use the newly-secured Terri-Bible to summon forth the Toiletarian!! Your civilization as you know it is doomed no matter what you do, so you may as well surrender!!”

“NOT SO FAST!!” cries a familiar voice. Turning their eyes as much as they can from their current positions, the members of Team Gold notice their comrades from the Intelligence, Offense and Beast Teams have all gathered to come to their rescue.

“You guys…!!” SG2 exclaims. “What the Hell are you all doing here?”

“Well, we all ran into some trouble…but we found out what was going on and we knew just where to find you!!” Corey explains. “Turns out the underground Rainbow cult is an ancient Leprechaun base…and we followed one of them here, straight to you.”

“Aibou, Katie, what happened to you?” asks Karma, looking at the broken members of the Beast Team.

“We met up with Santa at the entrance point to the Rainbow…apparently he fell right into the Leprechaun trap. We ended up getting past the guardian, but they had already taken Santa…”

“I sent )v(ajin, Moose and Angel up to help them.” says Corey. “)v(ajin had some Senzu he figured they were in dire need of.”

“Aibou’s bunnies came back covered in blood. Same as the chichen.” )v(ajin explains. “I had a feeling they ran into some trouble. Me and Angel came back here to help you guys out, but Moose stayed behind with Mr. Chichen and Coriander Mankey. They’re on their way to rescue Santa as we speak.”

“By themselves?!” shouts Lemmy.

“SILENCE, ALL OF YOU!!” the Gnome leader screams. “Do not forget that we have the upper hand on you right now!!”

“Upper hand…?” Ville says, cocking an eyebrow. “Dude, maybe you had the upper hand when you had those three at gunpoint, but now you’re severely outnumbered. Also, you’re tiny. Really, really tiny.”

“Why you INSOLENT little—” the Gnome is cut short as Ville kicks him square in the face, dropping him cold onto the ground.

“Come on, you guys, let’s kick some miniature ass!!” )v(ajin shouts, and everyone leaps to the aid of their friends.

Doom Bunnies swarm over the Leprechauns, chichens pecking at their heads as the goats destroy their precious four-leaf clover fields. Ville and Corey stomp on legions of the tiny-folk, and )v(ajin blasts their tiny headquarters to smithereens. Crisis and Fenix race over to the central control tower and sever the power cables, setting up a self-destruct sequence. Cursing their idiotic friends, everyone races to escape the underground cave before the entire place goes up.

Encased in a protective mermaid forcefield with Lemmy’s help, they reach the underwater passageway and break out just in the clichéd nick of time. It only takes a few minutes for them to reach the surface on the other side, drying themselves off and look back on the source of their unseen destruction below.

“Nnnngh…that was a close one, no thanks to you two.” says Corey. “Either way, it looks like we at least stopped part of the evil plot to destroy Christmas.”

“Yeah, but there’s only an hour left for Santa to deliver presents to all the children of the world, now!!” Angel exclaims. “Mr. Chichen and Moose are still up at the Rainbow trying to save Santa!! And there’s still the matter of the Leprechaun power transfer device to destroy…”

“Angel’s got a point.” Karma says. “Just because we destroyed their bases here doesn’t mean they don’t have forces deployed at the site of Santa’s prison. Logically, there would, which only gives us an hour to somehow get there and crack into that fortress, bust Santa out, and hope he has enough time to deliver all the toys in the world!!”

“Man…we’re so screwed…” SG2 mutters disparagingly.

“No. . .maybe not.” says Lemmy softly. The others look at him in confusion. “Long ago the ancient mermaids invented a time travel device. . .I once thought it was only a silly mermaid legend, but given everything we’ve seen today, with the Terri-Bible. . .”

“Oh, right, this thing…” says Ville, pulling the book out of the confines of his jacket. The others gape in shock.

“Where the Hell did you get that?!” SG2 shouts. “Isn’t that the evil book that threatens to destroy us all?!”

“Yup, the very one.” says Ville, watching as SG2 snatches it from him. “Hey!! I took that from that stupid Leprechaun fair and square!!”

“This could still be potentially dangerous if we’re going to head to a second Leprechaun base, you guys.” SG2 notes. “We may be giving them right what they need if we waltz in there carrying this thing.”

“You’ve got a good point, but at the same time, it’s not like we can just leave it behind. That’s even worse if someone gets their hands on it.” Katie points out.

“Ngh…good point.” agrees SG2. “Guess someone will have to hang onto it, someone they’d least expect to have it.”

“I vote Aibou.” says Crisis.

“o,o?”

“Well, it’d be so obvious that someone as destructive as you would have a book that can potentially cause the downfall of mankind that they’d never expect it, right?” Crisis points out. “Besides, you can always sic the Doom Bunnies on them even if they do figure it out.”

“=^,^=”

“So it’s settled, then. Aibou can hold onto the Terri-Bible for now…I just hope I don’t regret saying that in five minutes.” SG2 announces.

“o,o tiger.” Aibou says, stabbing SG2 in the side.

“Hhhnnngh…” SG2 groans, sinking.

“Alright, then, Katie, if you’ve got enough flying goats for those of us who can’t take to the air ourselves, I guess we’re heading to the Rainbow base!!” Karma shouts.

Hopping aboard the mystical winged ruminants, the remaining eleven members of the mission to save Christmas blast off, hoping an hour’s worth of time will be enough…

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ACT V – The Toiletarian

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“Moose!! Mr. Chichen!! Coriander Mankey!!” shouts SG2, charging to the front of the crowd as they land at the Rainbow fortress. “Thank goodness we found you in time!!”

“Huh? You guys…?” says Mr. Chichen, riding atop his loyal feathered steed. How’d you find us?”

“We sensed your energy signals. Duh.” )v(ajin says matter-o-factly.

“…Huh?”

“Dude, us original guys go waaaay back with this stuff. Just trust it.” says SG2.

“Well…anyways…this is where Santa is being held.” says Mr. Chichen. “We were just about to storm this compound when you guys showed up.”

“Awesome, we’ve got perfect timing, then!!” SG2 says, cracking her knuckles.

“Let’s all be careful, everyone. There’s less than an hour until Christmas and assuming we CAN even use Lemmy’s time machine whatever to help him deliver the toys, that still doesn’t change the fact that we can’t underestimate our foes.” reminds Karma. “We still need to rescue him in time.”

“Okay, let’s go!!” shouts Corey, charging to the front of the crowd. “I’m pretty sure I know what the password is to get in here.”

“What? How do you know?” asks Lemmy.

“When we were being held captive, one of the Rainbow guys said something when he was activating that Terri-Bible thing.” Corey explains. “There’s a pretty good chance that’s the key to get in, as well.” He steps forward, looking up at the high tower and shouting at the top of his voice, “Ímv`\f1„gc\f2!! 0zÇYLÏÅÑ!!”

Sure enough, the control tower shakes, and energy begins to flood into the spiral at the top. The entire area begins to quake under the feet of the teams, and just when it seems as though the entire compound is unstable…it ceases and becomes calm just as quickly as it had began.

“…Wow, that was…” Ville trails off, nervously stepping forward. Sure enough, the door automatically opens for him, a ’password accepted’ display blinking across an automated screen. “Alright, cool. Looks like we’re okay to go i—” he’s quickly cut off as a vortex opens up, sucking him inside.

“Ville!! No!! I can’t lose you, you mean too much to me!!” screams Corey, rushing to his rescue and being pulled into the vortex as well.

“…told you.” says SG2.

“Alright, here.” Fenix says dryly, handing SG2 $15. And within seconds, the two of them as well, and the rest of their comrades, are also sucked into the whirling gate of spiraling energy.

Before long they’re transported to the center of the Rainbow tower’s fortress…and landing inside of what appears to be a large, dark throne room, the party is greeted by a very familiar voice.

“Glad to see you all came…I had a feeling you were involved in trying to foil my plans for ruining this wretched holiday again, so I thought I’d invite you here PERSONALLY to witness the demise of your entire filthy race!!”

“That voice…” Karma whispers.

“It can’t…be…” )v(ajin trails off, his eyes wide with terror. Suddenly, all the lights in the room flash on, illuminating the enigmatic figure in the throne…a scrawny, scaly green monster with a twisted grin on his face, beady little eyes glowing menacingly.

“THE KRAMPUS!!” they all cry in unison, amazingly shocked by the fact that the entire series of events to that point had merely been a plot device for him to appear.

“That’s right, kiddies, and with only thirty minutes until Christmas, it looks like this time there’s nothing your little rag-tag band of heroes can do to stop me!!!!”

“JUST ONE MINUTE!!” shouts SG2, causing all the attention in the room to shift to her as she steps up towards the throne.

“SG2…is she insane…?” Aibou mutters under her breath.

“Of course she is…” replies Karma in an equally low voice. “But that’s what makes her so formidable.”

“Ah yes, you, the tiger…” the Krampus sneers, grimacing in a twisted cross between rage and sadistic pleasure. “I remember you most of all…it seems every time I get Christmas within my grasp, it’s YOU who finds the power to take it away from me…”

“Yeah, just shut the Hell up for a second, will you?” SG2 growls, proving that she means serious business as the clock ticks closer to midnight. “I’ve got a question for you.”

“Oh? Is that so?” the Krampus laughs. “Well then, by all means, I’ll indulge you!! Ask away!!”

“Yeah, so…” she says in a grim tone. “…Who are you?”

At that moment, everyone in the room hits the floor, amazed by SG2’s incredible forgetfulness and overall stupidity given the severity of the situation facing them.

“Is. . .is she serious. . .?” Lemmy asks, rising back to his feet.

“Are you kidding? No one can fake that…” Karma whispers. “…But like I said, that’s what makes her a dangerous one to underestimate. She’s too unpredictable.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the SG2 we’ve all come to know.” says Angel. “She’s pretty much done that every time the Krampus reappears, actually. It’s kinda sad.”

“WHY YOU INSOLENT LITTLE RAT!!” the Krampus screams, reviving the stark gravity of the state. “WELL ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU WHAT A MISTAKE IT IS TO UNDERESTIMATE THE KRAMPUS!!!!”

And with that, he raises his hand in the air, causing a large curtain in the back of the room to rise. Behind it is revealed to be Santa, frozen stiff in a solid block of red ice…tubes protruding from his frosty prison and transferring his remaining holiday magic into a large machine.

“Do you see this?! DO YOU SEE WHAT HAS BECOME OF YOUR CHRISTMAS MAGIC?!” he shouts, his voice brimming with lunacy. “All of Santa’s precious magical energy is being pumped directly into this very throne!! And when the clock strikes midnight…” he smirks devilishly, “…all his power will be completely drained, and Santa Claus will perish!! And what’s more, I will have all of his magic…and I will use that power to summon forth the Toiletarian from the Terri-Bible and bring chaos to the entire world!!”

“Oh yeah?!” shouts Ville. “And do you think we’re just going to hand this over to you?” he says, pointing to Aibou.

“YOU IDIOT!!” screams Corey. “You just told him who has it!! You blew it!!!”

“Hehehehehe…” the Krampus laughs. “Oh, you foolish, foolish mortals. Did you honestly think I would have let the REAL Terri-Bible fall into your incapable hands?”

“Huh? What…do you mean?” Aibou asks, looking down at the book in her grasp.

“Don’t you think if that were the real Terri-Bible you’d have felt it radiating with evil energy by now?” the Krampus asks.

“…He’s right, all this time it’s been with us and I haven’t sensed a thing…” )v(ajin mutters.

“And you, who thought you so heroically recovered the book…” he goes on, looking to Corey’s team. “Did you think that such an elaborate plan would result in that vital tome falling into your grasp with the ease that does a fly land on a wall?”

“…” Corey thinks back to the scene upon which they came into contact with the Terri-Bible, after pursuing the Leprechaun who apparently rescued them. “That’s…”

“You fools…your presence here this night was already preordained!!” cries the Krampus. “I WANTED YOU, YOU BAND OF WOULD-BE HEROES, TO WITNESS THE DOWNFALL OF CHRISTMAS AND TO REALIZE HOW POWERLESS YOU WERE TO STOP IT FROM THE GET-GO!! MAX!!” he shouts, and a flash appears in a puff of smoke into the room.

“Top o’ the Christmas to ye!! Ye called fer me, chief?” the Leprechaun asks.

“Ah!!” shouts Moose. “He’s the one who rescued us!!”

“That’s right…now, if you would, reveal to them your true form!!”

“Righto!!” he nods, spinning and whirling and then, in another puff of smoke, transforming into a small dog.*

“…!! It’s the Krampus’ dog!!” exclaims Crisis.

“…Well duh.” SG2 growls, acknowledging the obviousness of his statement.

“I couldn’t let those Rainbow freaks kill you…all I needed from them was the book. Your capture was an unintended fluke that I needed to right if I wanted you all present here…both to witness the destruction of mankind…AND TO GIVE ME EXACTLY WHAT I NEED!!” he shrieks sadistically, snapping his fingers and causing his opposition to be lifted into the air and trapped inside of miniature versions of the forcefield enclosing Santa Claus.

“I not only want you to witness Christmas’ defeat, but to CONTRIBUTE to it!!” he cries. “Now, what little energy you have left, it will all be transferred to me, and in five minutes, I will be unstoppable!! It will be Christmas Day, and with my power at its maximum, I WILL SUMMON FORTH THE TOILETARIAN!!”

“D-Dammit, no…” SG2 cringes in pain, struggling against the force of the barrier. “It can’t…end this way…!!”

“Not now…” )v(ajin growls.

“NOT AFTER ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH!!” cries Angel.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” the Krampus shrieks. “THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN FEEL THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M INVINCIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No, NO!!” Lemmy screams. “If he summons the Toiletarian it’s all over!! For Christmas, and for the entire WORLD!!”

“How can this happen?! After all we’ve done!!” Karma grits out, her teeth clenched in pain.

“STRUGGLE ALL YOU WANT, FOOLS!!!” screams the Krampus, rising from his throne and glowing with a red and green aura. His size begins to increase and his muscles bulk up, and taking into his hands the one, true Terri-Bible, he starts to chant the magic words.

“D…Damm…it…” SG2 mumbles, just before losing consciousness.

“NOW, IT IS TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME FORTH, TOILETARIAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The room quakes and the sheer force of the energy begins to melt through the walls. The Terri-Bible gleams with a menacing red aura. The lights flicker out as every source of power within a thousand mile radius transfers directly into the Krampus’ body, his power being used to summon forth the most vile and wretched evil known to the planet Earth. And yet…just when it seems to be all over, for Christmas, for our heroes, for the entire world…

“…What?! What’s this?!” the Krampus screams, his voice now much deeper and causing a booming echo throughout the room. “Why do I feel…what is this?!”

“I won’t…l-let you…win…!!” SG2 growls, struggling against her forcefield.

“IMPOSSIBLE!! THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN STILL BE ALIVE, YOUR ENERGY IS SUPPOSED TO BE COMPLETELY DRAINED!!”

“I won’t…let you…” she growls, spreading her arms wide, spiting the pain of the sharp lightning drilling into her. ’WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Screaming at the top of her lungs, SG2 shatters her glowing prison, flipping through the air and landing to face the Krampus squarely; one-on-one. He scrunches his face up tightly, pure unbridled rage spreading through every pore in his body.

“THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!!! I WON’T LET YOU BEAT ME NOW, NOT AGAIN!! NOT WHEN I’M THIS CLOSE!!!!!!!!!”

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she screams, powering up, her fur turning gold and a glowing electrical aura sparking around her. “I WON’T LET YOU WIN!!!!!!!!!! I WON’T LET YOU WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“BUT I’VE STOLEN ALL OF YOUR POWER!!!! YOUR LIFE FORCE!!! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY STILL BE STANDING!!!! CHRISTMAS SHOULD BE MINE!!!!!!!!”

“FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!” she cries, a burst of power blowing the Krampus back and embedding him within the wall. “AS LONG AS I STILL HAVE THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, YOU CAN TAKE MY ENERGY, YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE FORCE, BUT I’LL ALWAYS GET BACK UP AND KEEP FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“NO…NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The entire chamber radiates with bone-melting energy as SG2 unleashes her final attack on the Krampus. An interdimensional vortex is opened through the sheer force of it all, somehow, and like always, the green menace is sucked inside to be sealed away…the Terri-Bible in his hand going along with him.

“THIS ISN’T OVER, YOU FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLS!!!!!!” he shrieks. “I’VE SAID IT BEFORE, AND I’LL SAY IT AGAIN!!!! SO LONG AS CHRISTMAS EXISTS, I’LL ALWAYS BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL KEEP COMING BACK EVERY YEAR UNTIL I’M VICTORIOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!” SG2 cries, unleashing a furious blast at the vortex and sealing it shut…at least, for now.

She powers down and the energy of the room releases, returning back to its original source…reviving all of SG2’s fallen teammates and freeing the frozen Santa Claus.

“You…you did it, SG2…” Mr. Chichen gasps. “I don’t believe it…”

“Hehehehe, yeah, well I—” and without even finishing her sentence, she collapses right then and there in the ruins of the former throne room.

“SG2!!” Lemmy cries, he and Karma rushing to her fallen body.

“You guys, go with Lemmy. You need to take Santa to that time portal!!” Karma shouts.

“What about you?” Lemmy asks. “What are you going to do?!”

“Me and Aibou have to take SG2 to the hospital, she’s lost a lot of blood!!”

“And I’m all out of Senzu…” )v(ajin says.

“Alright. . . just go!! And don’t let anything happen to you!!” Lemmy shouts. Karma grins.

“Yeah…same to you!!” she says, giving him a thumbs up. He returns the gesture.

And with that, Karma and Aibou leap onto the paladin horse, Lemmy encloses his comrades into the mermaid bubble, and the two head their separate ways.

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EPILOGUE

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“Are you serious?!” Ms. Mad Hatter exclaims. “We missed all of that?!”

“Yeah…it was pretty heavy.” SG2 explains. “But we managed to come through in the end.”

“So Lemmy got Santa to the ancient mermaid time machine and he was able to go back and deliver all the gifts in the world on time?”

“Pretty much.”

“Man, I wish I could have seen THAT…” SG2 laughs.

“Hah, you and everyone else, I bet!!” she says, referencing the fact that the author of this story has been writing it for too long and just didn’t feel like including any more details to that scene. “But we’re not here to break the fourth wall. Where is everyone?”

“They went inside to go set up for the party.” Ms. Mad Hatter says. “They’re probably waiting for you, you know.”

“Yeah…” SG2 sighs, leaning back with her arms behind her head. “I know.”

“…Something wrong?” Ms. Mad Hatter asks, and SG2 shakes her head.

“No…nothing.” she smiles. “I was just…thinking about stuff.”

“…You gonna head inside?” Ms. Mad Hatter asks.

“Yeah. Soon.” SG2 responds. “You gonna stay out here with the Epic Phil-sicle?”

“Heh, I’ll probably bring him in to thaw in a bit.”

“Oh great, spell doom for the rest of us, why don’t you!! As if we haven’t been through enough!!” she laughs. “Well, I’m gonna go in, now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah…my friends are waiting for me.”

And so, Christmas Day arrived after all, thanks to the combined efforts of the entire Blood Kingdom Forces. And although what the Krampus said, what he always said, was true…that so long as there was a Christmas, he would be there to destroy it…much like there will always be evil so long as there exists good…it didn’t matter. Because no matter what happens, they’ll keep fighting, and their spirit is what will keep Christmas alive and well for centuries to come.

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*Max, here, is a reference to the Grinch’s dog in the original How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Unfortunately, the reference is lost in the process of turning the Grinch into the Krampus.