#6: A Crossmas Carol (ORIGINAL EDITION)

After the progress on the 5th story lingered in hiatus for a significant amount of time, it was decided that it was best to simply move on and write a new story for the next holiday season, rather than once again attempt to finish it off. Thus the 6th story came to be - fully acknowledging that the events planned for the 5th did happen, but not relying on them as part of its plot. This marks the second Christmas Story to fully be considered canon.

As of January 2015, this remains SG2's favorite in the series.

The IGNO Christmas Story #6: A Crossmas Carol

By SG2

Rating: PG-13 for crude humor, language, violence, and general brain-imploding insanity

Warnings: This story was written with the members of the Insanity Goes Nearly Overboard members in mind, and contains numerous jokes and references that will likely make little sense to non-members. You are free to read it nonetheless, but don’t be surprised if you wind up confused. Also, the author of this story likes to mercilessly play jump rope with every Christmas cliche in the book, so expect some amount of cheesiness and predictability - it is done by intention as it is far more amusing this way. The writing will also most likely wind up switching between past and present tense, and maybe do a little fourth wall breaking, because fuck the police.

Notes: The last Christmas story was written in 2008, so I felt we were overdue. After that, I had attempted a fifth story, but Real Life proved to be too much and I could never find time to get it done. I had started it several times, hoping that year would be the one I would actually finish it, but it wasn’t meant to be. The unfinished version, and a summary of its outline, can still be read - and for all intents and purposes events therein are still considered to be IGNO canon (such as Fenix becoming the Interim Kaiser after Karma stepped down). However, as this is the first story in years and features a new crop of members at its central cast, specific references to the old stories will be kept at a minimum (as long as you know that every year we end up saving Christmas in some way from the evil Krampus). I really hope you guys enjoy this - the Christmas Story tradition is a memory of a simpler time long ago, but like many old conventions of IGNO, I’m aiming to keep it alive.

-Alex “SG2” Hoffman, 12/23/12

DISCLAIMER: I do not claim sole intellectual property over the characters or concepts referenced in A Crossmas Carol. The characters of SG2, Fenix, Bones, Katie, Angel, xL, LG, Bradios, PWR, Hamel, Tim, MTS and all others referenced are fictionally modified likenesses of their respective personages. Original concepts for the evil Garden Gnomes and the Piski Dust belong to Angel. Small references to How The Grinch Stole Christmas belong to Theodor “Dr. Seuss” Geisel. A large number of minor jokes and IGNO memes throughout this story may be references to other copyrighted material as well, and the author of this story does not take credit for their conception.

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’Twas the dawn of Christmas Eve in IGNOLand. The snowflakes danced through the cold morning air, bringing with them thoughts of good cheer and holiday joy. Tomorrow would be Christmas, the happiest time of the year!! Little children rose from their beds with anxious smiles, begging their parents to let them open just one present from under the tree a day early. Houses smelled of delicious baked goods mixed with the scent of pine needles, and the dim glow of Christmas lights dotted the landscape. Truly, it was the Christmas season, and everyone in IGNOLand was in the spirit...

...that is, almost everyone.

Deep in the northern mountains of IGNOLand, beyond the frozen city of the Ice Kingdom, was a menacing tower constructed entirely of ice crystals...and behind its walls, sitting in his throne with a look on his face mixing rage and impatience...was the menacing Krampus. The Krampus hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season, and none in all IGNOLand quite knew the reason. It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right, it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But most likely, if he himself would you tell, ’twas the fact that his heart held the darkness of Hell. Cursed to roam the earth eternally, never to know death’s sweet embrace, the Krampus was a bitter old creature. He had a hideous visage, covered in coarse fur of a sickly green color. His face was wrinkled, framed by rows of sharp teeth jutting from his underbite, and beady red eyes aglow with a deep-seated rage. Atop his head were two long, black horns, recalling demons as depicted in ancient texts. But perhaps his most distinguishable feature was his great, lolling tongue. An evil being, the Krampus hated everything to do with Christmas - the joy, the laughter, the love, it burned and made him physically ill. And while none in IGNOLand knew exactly why the Krampus was destined to walk the earth forever, his hatred of the holiday season was well known...and feared.

Perhaps the intensity of his hatred fueled his power, for each year, the closer it drew to Christmas, the stronger he would become - reaching his peak on Christmas day. The Krampus would often take advantage of this conveniently-timed boost in strength to construct a plot that would destroy Christmas once and for all, but he would always inevitably fail as a group of heroes would put a stop to his plans at the last second. Some years he wouldn’t even try, knowing a poorly-constructed scheme would surely end in his failure. But this year...something was different. He couldn’t quite put his finger on why, but as he sat there in his icy throne, the Krampus realized he felt different...he felt weaker than he should on the morning of Christmas Eve. Rising slowly, he carried himself over to the mirror in his chambers to behold that, indeed, his body was as thin and frail as it ever was throughout the rest of the year. But how could this be? By December, he should have been gaining considerable bulk, and with just a day before Christmas no less!!

Something wasn’t right. The calendar said December 24th, and the brilliant glow of lights across IGNOLand, visible from high on his mountain top, certainly seemed to concur. The laughter of the children playing in the snow seared his skin, and the joyful holiday songs playing faintly in the distance boiled his blood. It was most definitely Christmas...so why hadn’t he felt his power surge? He’d never be able to destroy Christmas in this state!! He needed to get to the bottom of this, and while he loathed to admit it, he knew there was only one way to find out what was going on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The halls of Castle Bones were a bustle with an unusual vibrance for such a usually desolate place. Situated in the middle of the lifeless Boneyard, this impregnable fortress was the headquarters of Konungur Bones, ruler of IGNOLand. None but those in his personal pantry would be allowed through its imposing doorway under ordinary circumstances...but this was a special occasion. Der Konungur had decided to throw a holiday banquet for his group of friends, inviting them from all over IGNOLand to join the festivities. It had been 3 years since his inauguration as Konungur of IGNOLand, and during his reign there had been relative peace - aside from the occasional war being declared. This feast was as much a celebration of his time spent as Konungur, and the bond he shared with the friends who helped him come so far, as it was for Christmas - not that he’d admit it. The tables in the banquet hall were lined with all manner of the most delicious cuisine available to IGNOLand, ranging from the finest meats and cheeses to dolphin eggs, hood ice cream bars, cupcaeks, and toast with a suspiciously thick white spread. There were all the traditional holiday trappings as well, with a festive tree in the corner, and holly strung along the boney walls. It was poised to be a fantastic holiday for Konungur Bones and all of his friends.

It had seemed that all the guests had finally arrived, and dinner would be served as soon as Der Konungur returned, having stepped out for a moment. Over in the corner by the Christmas tree were a small tiger and a spiky-haired man wearing a tattered martial arts gi, enjoying some party snacks and idle chatter.

“Man, I love Christmas. I feel like it’s been forever since we all got together like this”, said SG2, between sips of cheese soda. “How about you, LG?”

“It’s alright”, answered the spiky-haired warrior. “I guess I just get a little depressed this time of year. It makes me nostalgic for the holiday celebrations we had back home on Gaylia.”

LG was a rogue warrior from the planet Gaylia, home to an all-male race that long predated sentient life in IGNOLand. Due to a variety of complicated circumstances long ago, LG was stranded on earth with no means to construct a spaceship powerful enough to return him to his home planet. There, he had left his lover, Comet, and longed to return to him. Seeing everyone in IGNOLand filled with joy and love must have been difficult for him at this time of year, so SG2 decided not to press the subject further. Instead, she stood there in awkward silence, scanning the crowded room to see who had arrived.

There was Fenix, the red-haired kitsune mage who had previously taken the position of Interim Kaiser of IGNOLand when the former Kaiser, Karma, had left. In fact, it was right around this time of year that he had stepped down from this position and appointed Bones as his replacement. Fenix was now a trusted member of Bones’ pantry as the Undersecretary of Understanding, and animated many undead soldiers to populate Der Konungur’s army.

Over at the refreshments table, enjoying a pre-dinner snack of some sketched-out acorns, were Katie and her husband, Von Goatly. Katie was a Goatling - a humanoid being descended from goats - who lived high atop Goat Mountain among her ruminant kin. As one of very few Goatlings, Katie possessed the power to command the mythical flying goats, the species to which her husband belonged. Their son Goatie was left at home with a babysitter so his parents could enjoy some quality time alone.

To her right was Angel, enjoying some of Von Goatly’s homemade horny goat weed salad. Angel was a holy being with unknown origins, aside from the fact that she hailed from Australia. Angel had a long-standing connection to the Garden Gnomes, IGNOLand’s arch enemies who had tried to destroy Christmas many a time in the past - though she had commanded them to be good this year so they could enjoy the holiday in peace.

Lurking around near the punch table was xL, a devious Lactoluster from the remote island nation of Toastopolis. No doubt, he had spiked it with some of his patented ’secret sauce’, which was a delicacy in his homeland. xL was at odds with IGNOLand on occasion, but had for the most part reformed his former terrorist ways and was allowed into Der Konungur’s castle for the first time since that incident. Soon, Tim came over to enjoy some punch, and the two chatted while the sheep-loving Australian remarked on its fragrant, salty taste. Tim was also known for treasonous acts against IGNOLand in the past, branded as a Traitor for engineering his army of clones and for stealing Der Konungur’s catchphrases. He was a known conspirator of the Neutrals, and was ordinarily not to be trusted - but an exception was made for the sake of the holidays.

On the other side of the room was Bradios, tinkering with some broken technology so it could be restored and regifted. A soldier who had died in war and was brought back as a cyborg, Bradios was IGNOLand’s resident technology and weapons specialist. Though he also had Neutral ties and a tendency to waffle between loyalty to Der Konungur and his own natural Neutral ways, Bradios was allowed to attend the party because half of the party guests were already former enemies of the state, so why not?

Slipping through the shadows was Hamel, a fiery shadow demon of shadowy fieryness, who was sneaking through the castle and hiding cupcaeks in unexpected places. Unfortunately, PWR had snuck up behind her and grabbed one of her hidden prizes, stuffing it into her pants to feed her hungry crow companions. As two demons who arrived in IGNOLand at relatively the same time, PWR and Hamel had much in common, and began to enjoy some idle chatter while awaiting dinner. They were soon joined by MTS, who had procured some diced pineapple from the refreshments table and munched on it earnestly. The mysterious princess of the Boob Gardens, MTS was the most recent to join the group of friends in their exploits, but she was no stranger to IGNOLand - having played a major role in preventing its destruction centuries past.

Last but not least, SG2 spotted Der Konungur himself as he returned to the hall...running. With an uncharacteristically panicked expression on his face...for the brave pirate of divine nordic origin, not showing distress in a tense situation was one of his most valued traits. For something to stress the ruler out so much that he’d come dashing back into the castle in the midst of a joyous occasion could mean nothing good, and it seemed SG2 wasn’t the only one to reach this conclusion as silence quickly overtook the room. When he finally reached them and stood still, breathing heavily, it was SG2 who was the first to speak.

“What’s...going on, Mein Konungur...?”

“Everyone...I’m sorry to interrupt the festivities, but it’s a good thing you’re all here. I’m afraid we have...a situation.”

While it was truly convenient that IGNOLand’s greatest warriors were all gathered together under one roof, they couldn’t help but wonder what could be such a problem as to cause their great leader to behave so strangely. But there were a few faces in the confused crowd that beheld knowing expressions...a dangerous situation, and on Christmas Eve? There could only be one answer, and it was something that SG2, Fenix, Katie, Angel and Bones himself had experienced many times in the past.

“It’s the Krampus...isn’t it?”, spoke Angel, with tension in her voice. Konungur Bones nods solemnly.

“Yes. But...there’s something different.”

And with that, Konungur Bones steps aside, turning to face his entrance hall as a group of his leprechaun servants escort a new guest to the castle...the Krampus himself, bound by his own chains. The tension in the room becomes palpable as everyone adopts a fighting stance, prepared to attack at their ruler’s word. However, Bones waves a hand back at them telling them to hold their ground, his eyes never leaving the subject before him. Arriving at the front of the room, they stop.

“Ungag him.”

The leprechauns nod, climbing up the tall creature’s body and removing the gag from his mouth. The Krampus’ tongue lolls back out, and after a moment of catching his breath...he speaks.

“I’ve come for your help.”

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A blizzard raged through the mountain air as the Krampus stepped out of his icy fortress. He had to get to the bottom of this unusual lack of Christmas power, and decided the only way to get answers would be to pay a certain acquaintance of his a visit. Surely, the man would be hard at work gearing up for his holiday ride in a few hours, but the Krampus was confident he wouldn’t be turned away - after all, the two went way back, with a connection spanning thousands of years. His hopes rode on this connection, far too weak to fight against the man’s bodyguards in his current state, but he knew he had to try. And so, mounting his faithful ibex, the Krampus rode down the mountain, through the snow, with the North Pole as his destination.

Finally arriving, he parked his steed nearby and approached the door to Santa’s Workshop, where the big man would no doubt be toiling away. Unsurprisingly, his armed elf guards greeted the Krampus with hostility...but something seemed different about them. These weren’t Santa’s usual holly jolly Christmas elves, but something far more sinister, the look in their beady red eyes reminding the Krampus of his own.

“They’re Lawn Elves”, responded a mysterious voice, as though reading the Krampus’ mind. “They suit my style more than those overly-cheerful toymakers...don’t you think?”

Speaking to him from the roof of the workshop was Santa Claus himself. Or so it seemed, at a glance, until the Krampus looked a little closer. Rather than his iconic red suit, the man was dressed in green, and his beard was dark grey and unkempt as opposed to the white and fluffy one that he was so notable for. He was also taller, thinner, and though his features were very similar to Santa’s, his face was long, his chin pointed, and his cheeks were anything but rosy.

“Judging from the surprised look on your face, I’m guessing my brother never told you about me”, the man calls out, snapping the Krampus back to reality as he jumped from the rooftop and landed effortlessly on the ground below. “Well, if you came looking for Chris, I’m afraid you’re out of luck...I’m his brother, and I’ll be taking over his position from now on. The name’s Santa Claus...nice to meet you.”

The Krampus’ expression tensed, not liking this man’s tone. For all the good it did him with his body in its current state, he raised his guard, eliciting a hearty laugh from the imposter before him - but this was no ’ho ho ho’, rather a low, rumbling ’hu hu hu’. The Krampus was not nearly as amused, however...if it was one thing he hated more than Christmas, it was to be underestimated, but even he knew what it must have looked like right now. Now that he could see him up close, the fake Santa Claus was actually quite well-built, a stark contrast to his notoriously overweight counterpart. If he had his full Christmas power, the Krampus would have easily outranked him, but--

“...but you don’t have that power now, do you?”, the imposter finished with a smirk. “How sad for you...but I’m afraid that power you’ve taken for granted every year now belongs to someone who actually worked hard for it - me!!”

“How do you--”

“Know what I’m thinking? Know who I am? Oh, but there’s a lot of things I know. In fact, it’s very easy to learn when you’re forced to spend all your time sealed away from the rest of the world. Study, study, study. Thousands of years worth of study, my friend!! Hu hu hu!!”

“...”, The Krampus opens his mouth to speak, but realizes immediately the pointlessness of it - somehow, this man already knows.

“Ah yes, ’who are you’, is it? Why, you really should pay more attention, my dear boy...”, he says, raising his open palm at the beast before him. “I already told you...I’m Santa Claus.”

This time, it’s the weakened Krampus who knows what’s about to happen...and he knows that in his current state he’s nowhere near fast enough to dodge it. And so, the instant the red and green ball of energy leaves the imposter’s palm, the Krampus is already down. The smell of singed fur fills the air as ash mingles with snow, the Krampus’ charred body hitting the ground face-first in a heap. The fake Santa smiles down at him, planting a firm boot on his back and grinding him deeper into the white dust.

“Sorry, Dear Krampus, but I’m afraid I’ll be the one stealing Christmas this year. Hu hu hu hu hu!!!!!”

The dry laugh echoes through the snow-filled air as the green-clad doppelganger enters the workshop, followed by his stoic elves...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“...I came to about an hour later. Whether he slacked in his studies, or knew I couldn’t die and was just toying with me, I’m unsure, but I got out of there as quickly as I could.”

Silence blankets the chambers of Bone Castle as the Krampus finishes his tale. By now, the painstakingly prepared feast has gone cold, and with it, the holiday spirits of the IGNOites. None are entirely sure what to make of this development, nor what they should say in response.

“...assuming you are telling the truth...”, says SG2, finally breaking the silence, “who exactly is this guy, and why is he impersonating Santa Claus?”

“About that...”, the Krampus grunts, struggling against his chains. “I did a little studying of my own and am fairly confident I’ve found the answer. It’s all in this book I brought with me...but since I currently am without the use of my hands, you’ll have to find it yourselves.”

A leprechaun reaches his small hand under the tightly-bound chains to discover that the Krampus is, in fact, clutching a book behind his folded arms. Slipping the book out, he hands it to Konungur Bones.

“Secret Histories and Legends of IGNOLand...”, he reads off its cover, before flipping through the pages aimlessly.

“No, u...use the index, you fool, the index!!”, shouts the Krampus, receiving an icy glare from Der Konungur in return - though his advice is heeded all the same.

“The Story of Santa Claus’ Brother...would this be it?”, he asks coldly, to which the Krampus nods. Bones hands the book to the silver-tongued Fenix, instructing him to read it aloud.

The cycle of the Santa Claus lasts 5,000 years. Historically, the job of Santa Claus has been kept within the Kringle family for millennia, with the current Santa Claus choosing his successor from among his children when his time is up. This is traditionally a job bestowed upon the eldest son, but legend has it that the current Santa Claus at the time of this writing was the younger of two. The brothers, Chris and Cross Kringle, were both hard-working young men who helped their father in his workshop throughout the year, right down to his annual flight. However, while Chris was often praised for his skill in making toys, Cross received no acknowledgement from their father. Eventually the time to decide the successor came, and Chris was chosen for his purity of heart, while Cross smoldered with jealousy and hatred for his oft-praised brother. His father had sensed the evil that lurked within the boy’s heart, and denied him this traditional birthright. In a fit of rage, Cross attempted to murder his brother, but Chris awakened his Christmas Magic and was able to deter the attack, sealing his evil brother away for his misdeeds. It is said that Cross now lies, eternally bound, in a prison deep within the planet’s core, still kept under his brother’s seal. However...it is whispered that since this seal is maintained with Christmas Magic, is is broken for one day every year, on Christmas Eve, when his brother needs to focus that power on his flight.........

“Huh, that was a convenient exposition...”, Fenix surmises as he finishes reading. “So this imposter...you think it’s Santa’s brother?”

“Okay, so that explains who this guy probably is, and why he would be free on Christmas Eve”, begins Bones, “but if he’s able to break free every year, why have we never seen him before? Shouldn’t this supposedly be happening every year, for thousands of years?”

“And what does he want, anyways? I mean, if he attacked the Krampus, it sounds like he’s out for more than just getting revenge on his brother...”, SG2 points out.

“That’s only part of it. Turn to page 837, I have a feeling that might be related”, the Krampus instructs, still fidgeting uncomfortably in his chains. Fenix nods and flips to the desired page...

“The Ancient Artifact of Christmas Magic...huh?!”

While it is the job of Santa Claus to deliver toys to all the children of the world, this is a task that would be impossible for an ordinary man. The legendary Piski Dust is responsible for his reindeer’s ability to fly, but even with them, how does one man make a trip around the entire world in the course of mere hours? How does he fit down chimneys, fit all the toys into a single sled, and live for thousands of years? Legend has it that this is all possible because of Christmas Magic, but this magic is not from a natural source. Ancient texts suggest that the source of this Magic is a mythical artifact that lies hidden somewhere out of the reach of ordinary mortals. This artifact charges all year long until the Christmas season, when it begins to radiate the magical energy to Santa Claus, his elves, and even other holiday creatures like The Krampus.

“Oh, so that explains...”, Fenix trails off, looking at their unexpected guest as he rolls his eyes.

“Just keep reading!!”

Because this energy is so valuable, it has been locked away for as long as Christmas has existed, its location known only to the one who bears the official title of Santa Claus. Not even Santa’s most trusted elves or reindeer are aware of its hiding place, for if the secret of its whereabouts were to get out, the consequences for all Christmas could be catastrophic...

“...that’s all it says. There’s not even a picture of it. Hey, does this thing actually exist?”, Fenix questions, raising an eyebrow in doubt.

“If it didn’t, how else would you explain the fact that I become more powerful the closer it is to Christmas?”, answers the Krampus, to which everyone in the room responds with nods and murmurs. “But it’s just like the book says. Even I don’t know where it’s hidden.”

“But...if you knew that such a thing existed, why have you never tried to steal it before?”, Angel asks.

“I never needed to steal it. I’m eternally bound to Santa Claus as his mortal enemy. Whenever that Christmas Magic begins to outpour, it fuels me just as much as it does him. Having it in my possession wouldn’t likely make enough difference to be worth spending hundreds of years searching for it, and it’d just be another object I’d have to find somewhere to store in my fortress. I’d probably want to get a fancy display for something that valuable, too, and do you know how much those things cost? They’re not cheap, believe you me!! And I’d want to get it insured on top of that, what with your little band of heroes destroying my tower almost every year...I’m not made of money, you know.”

“But, you’re gre--”

“DON’T SAY IT!!”

“...ahem. Anyways”, Katie interrupts, returning to the topic at hand. “So you think this Cross guy got his hands on the artifact and used it to become the new Santa Claus? But what did he do with his brother? And how did he find such a supposedly well-guarded object in the first place?”

“He’s probably hidden him in the same place the relic was located. That way, a rag-tag band of heroes wouldn’t be able to rescue him and save the day.” The Krampus glares at the group before continuing. “From the way he spoke, it would seem he’s had all this planned out well in advance. He mentioned the fact that he’s had nothing else to do but study in his years of imprisonment, so I imagine he had all the time in the world to research every last bit of IGNOLand lore and deduce the location of the object.”

“Then all he needed...was to wait for his seal to be broken again”, says Bradios.

“Precisely. I hate to say it, but he’s beaten me. Now that he’s gotten his hands on the idol, all the Christmas Magic is being directly siphoned into him - that’s why I haven’t gained any of the power myself, and probably why his brother was unable to resist being captured.”

“So...you want us to help you take him down...and then what?”, Angel asks, glaring at him. “You’ll just steal the artifact for yourself, become all-powerful, and try to overthrow Christmas like you do every year!! Do you honestly expect us to work together with you just so that you can turn around and do exactly the same thing we’re trying to prevent him from doing?!”

“I’ll admit that I don’t have the purest of intentions. In fact, far from it”, the Krampus shoots back matter-of-factly. “But I don’t like how this guy just showed up out of nowhere and stole my spotlight. Destroying Christmas is supposed to be my job - and I don’t like his attitude. I’m far more interested in preventing him the satisfaction of destroying Christmas than I am in some stupid idol. Believe me, if I could do this on my own, the last thing I’d have done is ask you for help. But as you can plainly see...I’m no match for him as I am now.”

“Alright, so it’s obvious that you need us. But what makes you think that we need you?”, SG2 barks, staring up at the much taller creature.

“Because I’m the only one who can help you track Santa Claus.”

“What do you mean, ’track’ him?”, Bones asks, genuinely curious.

“Haven’t you ever wondered why I’ve always been able to find Santa, no matter where in the world he might be? The two of us are eternally bound. Whoever holds the title of Santa Claus will always be connected to the Krampus...he delivers gifts to the good children, and I punish the naughty ones. The nature of our relationship is that of two sides on the same coin...yin, and yang. We balance each other, and just as I cannot exist without him, he can’t exist without me.”

“So if he were to kill the real Santa Claus...you would cease to exist?”, asks Hamel, getting an idea. MTS slaps her.

“Idiot!! We’re not going to let Santa be killed just to destroy the Krampus!!”

“Ow, I know, I know!! I was just asking!!”

“So because you’re both bound together...are you saying you’re, like...a Santa Compass?”, asks SG2.

“...I suppose you could look at it that way...but yes. No matter where Santa Claus is...as long as he is still alive, I will be able to sense his whereabouts, as he can mine. Even when you tracked me to The Rainbow Realm, I was able to sense his presence back on earth and trick him into being captured.” The Krampus grins evilly. “Face it. Without me, you have no way of finding out where Santa Claus is being held in time. You either work with me, and risk me destroying Christmas...or ensure its destruction.”

Silence falls over all the IGNOites as they grit their teeth, realizing what the Krampus says is true. Even if it did betray them, if they didn’t work with him, there wouldn’t even be an alternative. And there was no telling what Cross was capable of with that artifact...at least they had numerous years’ worth of Krampus-defeating experience under their belts if worse came to worst. But allowing Cross to run free and do nothing...was out of the question. All it would take now was the final say of Konungur Bones, so the IGNOites watch on anxiously while the Krampus grins his hideous, fanged grin...

“...Leprechauns. Undo his chains.” Everyone in the room gasps in unison.

“But, Mein Konungur--”

“Silence!!”, he shouts, turning to his subjects gathered before him. “Listen up, everyone!! This is MY world, which makes Christmas MY holiday, and I’m not about to let this Cross asshole take that away!! So you’re all either with me...”, he shouts, his hand reaching for and drawing the sheathed battle axe at his back. “...or you’re against me!! Are we all clear?!”

All eyes in the room widen. SG2 sighs, but decides to trust the judgement of her leader...and, as his right-hand tiger, gives her consent by first bowing, and then kneeling before him.

“Yes, Mein Konungur.”

Following SG2’s consent, Fenix does the same, bowing and then kneeling before his liege.

“Yes, Mein Konungur.”

One after another, every person in the room consents their approval, bowing and kneeling before the one to whom they entrust their fates.

“““Yes, Mein Konungur!!”””, they cry in unison, as Konungur Bones holds his axe aloft like a general about to lead his forces into battle. After a long moment, he lowers the weapon and returns it to his back, smiling.

“Good. Now, c’mon!! It’s time to go give this Cross guy a taste of my iron fist fluffy hugs!!”

“Yes, Mein Konungur!!”, SG2 shouts enthusiastically. “I just have one question before we go.” She looks at the Krampus.

“And that is?”, the beast answers, returning the tiger’s fierce glare.

“...who are you, again?”

The crowd’s enthusiasm quickly turns to stunned shock, as once again - as every year - SG2 has forgotten the identity of their most hated holiday fiend.

Recovering from the surprise at SG2’s stupidity, all the IGNOites gather their belongings and prepare to depart. While they bemoan not getting to enjoy a quiet Christmas feast with their friends, they all know that if they don’t work together and stop Cross, there would never again be a Christmas at all. While looks of disappointment and determination paint their faces, only the Krampus smiles...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright. If we’re going to tackle this, we’re probably going to need to--” Bones is interrupted as SG2 waves a hand dismissively in his direction.

“Split up into teams, yeah. We all know, we do it every year. Let’s just get down to it.”

“...right. Well, I think we’ll need to go in two teams...”, Bones ponders, a bit taken aback by his subordinate’s forethought. “One will need to go with the Krampus and focus on tracking Santa down. And the other will go to the North Pole and try to get that relic back from Cross before he plunges Christmas into despair.”

“Okay, so the team that goes after Santa will need to be good at tracking...and the other team should consist of strong, offensive fighters.”

“...alright, miss I’ve-done-this-a-million-times-before, would you like to decide the teams?”, Bones says dryly.

“Sure!!”, shouts the tiger, pointing a finger at each member in turn and muttering, counting them out and judging their merits. “Okay, I think I’ve got it.

The Offense Team will consist of Konungur Bones, for his barbaric strength, LG, as a proud and skilled warrior of Gaylia, MTS, for her thunderous, shockwave-inducing tits, Fenix, for his prowess with ranged spells, Hamel, who packs a lot of firepower, and of course myself, because I always end up saving the day in the end, and therefore need to go with the team that’s most likely to take a dramatic pummeling only to be saved by me in the end.”

“You don’t have to be so genre-savvy, you know.”, mutters Bones.

“Meanwhile, the Santa-Tracking Team is going to need to be a little more skill-oriented. Katie and her husband Von Goatly can cover a lot of ground by flying, as can Angel, so they’ll be able to survey the landscape and see things that not everyone can. xL is...experienced...when it comes to stalking, breaking and entering, and other such talents, so he’ll probably be an asset for hunting the big man down. PWR can send her VAGE crows to investigate things at great aerial distances, as well. Tim and his cloning machine will finally come in handy, because it’s good to have strength in numbers when you need to spread out and search. Finally, Bradios is equipped with the latest GPS tracking technology and will prove invaluable on this mission.”

“Actually, I’m still installing updates.”, Bradios says, raising his hand to interrupt. “But it’s okay, I’m currently at 73%...er, 70%......60%? Um...I’ll keep you posted...stupid firmware!!”

“Er, that aside...it’ll be an even 6 per team, so--”

“I think you’ve forgotten something, little tiger.” SG2 turns to see the Krampus, now unbound, staring into her beady little eyes with his own beady little eyes.

“...right...well, you’ll obviously be on the Santa-tracking team, so go stand over there.”, she says, shooting him an untrusting glare. The members of the tracking team are none too enthused, either, but they know that without his skills they’d never be able to accomplish their mission.

“Alright, so where do we start? The Offense Team is going right to the North Pole, but...I don’t even know where we’re supposed to begin.”, questions Angel. She, and everyone else on her team, reluctantly turn to the Krampus.

“Oh, are you asking me? How sweet, we’re bonding already”, he says with a falsely chipper voice. “well, there’s a problem with that. I’m not entirely sure, myself.”

“What?!”, screams Bradios, standing so that he’s face-to-face with the menacing creature. “What do you mean there’s a problem? You’re supposed to be able to track Santa Claus!! That’s the whole reason we unchained you in the first place, it’s the only reason we’re helping you!!”

“Calm down, robot boy. I can sense his presence. The problem is, it’s incredibly faint, which can mean one of two things”, he says, raising two fingers to illustrate his point. “Either he’s on the verge of death, or he’s being held somewhere not of this world...and despite my weakened physique, I’m feeling perfectly healthy, so I’d imagine it’s the latter.”

“Not of this world? What does that mean?”, inquires Tim, his tail twitching nervously.

“Ah, you’re one of the new ones, aren’t you? Then you wouldn’t remember. But I recognize...you, and you”, says the Krampus as he points to Angel and Katie. “That time when you foiled my plans in the Rainbow Realm. Do you remember how you got there?”

“The Rainbow only shows itself to true believers”, answers Katie. “I was on the team that traveled there. There was an entrance high up in the sky, so we had to fly to get there...and then we had to wait for one of the other teams to give us the password we needed to unlock the gate. Then I guess...we were in a sort of alternate dimension, once we passed through.”

“Precisely. The Rainbow Realm is a dimension connect to, but separate from this one. Due to its nature, it’s difficult to reach for ordinary mortals...which is why I would assume that wherever this Cross fellow has Santa Claus hidden, it’s most likely in a similar, alternate realm. And thus, why I can only sense his presence faintly.”

“So before we can even get started, we’ll need to find the entrance to this realm...is that what you’re saying?”, xL asks, trying to comprehend the situation facing them.

“Very good!! You’re a smart boy, aren’t you?”, says the Krampus, patting xL’s head condescendingly, much to the other’s anger. “And that would be the problem we face now. Even though I could probably guide you to where Santa’s presence feels the strongest, there’s no guarantee that’s where the entrance is hidden. But I do think I know where we can find out.”

“Alright. We’ll trust you, for now, but you’d better not be lying. IGNOLand doesn’t take kindly to traitors”, says Tim, ironically.

“Oh don’t worry...until our little Cross situation is dealt with, I have nothing to gain from betraying you.”

“Alright, good luck to you guys. Just make sure you keep an eye on him”, Bones shouts before turning back to his own team. “As for the rest of us, we’d better get moving to the North Pole. Let’s go!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ugh, why did I let you decide the teams, SG2?!”

Bones screams at the small tiger as the Offense Team stands in the middle of a raging blizzard, with seemingly no idea where they’re going. LG and MTS shiver violently, their outfits leaving their bare skin exposed to the cold, while Fenix and Hamel build a fire.

“I’m sorry, okay?! I just did what we usually seem to do, and picked the ones most suited to the required tasks!!”

“Yes, but you left our team with no means of transportation to get to the North Pole!! And then you brilliantly suggested we just go on foot, only to reveal you have no idea what direction the North Pole is in!! Here’s a hint, SG2 - it’s north!! NORTH!!”

“I said I was sorry!! It’s not my fault I didn’t know north doesn’t always mean ’up’!!”

“UGH!! This is just great, now we’re stranded with no idea where we are, and you sent all the flying goats and tracker cyborgs off with the other team!! When we get back to the Boneyard, you’re getting a demotion!!”

“Alright, fine!! But that doesn’t solve our problem right now, so let’s stop yelling and work together to find a way to get...un-lost, okay?!” she turns to face the others. “Anyone have any suggestions?”

“Well, I’ve sent some of my PENISES underground...maybe they’ll be able to tell us which direction the North Pole is in.”

“A-a-a-a-and I c-c-c-can u-u-u-use my h-h-h-hypnotits to s-s-s-see through the blizz-z-z-zzard...”, MTS adds, through chattering teeth.

“Not to mention Fenix and I can melt away some of the deeper snow so that walking is easier, and try to keep some of the falling snow at bay”, offers Hamel.

“I guess it’s the best we can do for now. Alright, everyone, c’mon...let’s follow the path of the burrowing PENISES”, says Bones, shrugging as he leads his team in the direction of the bulging ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So...why are we in a library?”

The Tracking Team finds themselves in the middle of a labyrinthine library, having followed the Krampus to an underground entrance not far from IGNO City. There are all manner of tomes stretched out on massive shelves as far as the eye could see, and the vast majority of them had thick coats of dust and looked incredibly worn. No doubt, this was a very old library...though why they had been brought here had yet to be made apparent.

“This is where I got the book of legends from earlier”, answers the Krampus, though he doesn’t bother to look back at the rest of the team, choosing instead to peruse the books on the nearest shelf to the entrance as he speaks. “And, unless I miss my guess, it’s most likely where Cross did all that ’studying’ he mentioned...”

“But I thought he was sealed up all year ’round, except for during Christmas Eve?”, remarks Tim, as he makes his way to another shelf and begins thumbing through the collection. “How would he even be able to access this place?”

“That wouldn’t be a problem if this was where he was imprisoned in the first place...hmm, these are no good. What we’re looking for probably won’t be in the front of the library...let’s keep moving.” As they continue to make their way deeper into the bowels of the massive library, xL continues the topic.

“Imprisoned...here? What do you mean? You think Santa sealed his evil brother away in...a gigantic library?”

“No, that’d be completely absurd. What I’m saying is that this wasn’t a library at the time Cross was imprisoned. Rather, he’s most likely the one who constructed, and filled, this library.”

“What? But this place is gigantic!! There’s no way just one person could write this many books, right?!”, PWR gasps in disbelief. The Krampus stops walking and turns to face her and the others.

“Do you really think so? Cross was imprisoned by his brother thousands of years ago. Eternally bound to another, unable to escape, unable to die...I suppose in that respect he reminds me of myself.”

“...”

“Regardless, there were a few things about my encounter with him that made me suspect this theory was possible. First of all, he seemed to be able to read my mind...or at least, predict what I was most likely about to say before I said it. He also seemed to know all about me, and my past exploits...probably about your group, too.” he continues walking, instructing the others to follow him. “Then there was the way he used the word ’study’...I’m not sure he meant reading books. It seemed to me like he was somehow aware of...everything. Everything that transpires in IGNOLand, and has throughout history, like he was cursed to witness but never take part in it. And the fact that the book of legends would have such specific information in it, particularly his own backstory...don’t you think it strange?”

“...I suppose you’re right...”, answers Bradios.

“My theory is that his brother imprisoned him here - deep below the earth - to live out his eternity in solitude, forever aware of the goings-on up on the surface, but cursed and unable to venture above ground himself. And in those thousands of years alone, he wrote. He wrote everything he heard, everything he learned, everything he imagined up. And the more he wrote, the more space he needed to house his massive collection...”

“So, Cross built this huge subterranean library over the course of thousands of years...?”, muses Katie. “Something like this has been right underneath us this entire time...incredible.”

“Well...it’s just a theory. Regardless of how this got here, or whom is responsible...”, continues the Krampus, leading the group through another row of bookshelves and examining the even older, more decrepit-looking tomes. “...if there’s anywhere in the world we can go and find information on the whereabouts of the ancient Christmas Artifact, this is probably it.”

“Alright...everyone, spread out and tackle a shelf...”, says Angel, using her seniority to make herself the team leader. “I don’t know how much ground we can cover this way, but it’s the only--”

“Actually”, Bradios interrupts, “my software update just finished. If you’ll allow me to scan the library...” Everyone stands completely still as a brilliant green light erupts from Bradios’ facial scanner, reading the title of every single book in the gargantuan facility. “It’s probably going to take a while to scan all the books, but it’ll definitely go quicker than searching by hand. When I isolate the titles that sound promising, someone head to that section and look through the book to see what you can find.”

“Can’t you use that scanner thingie to pinpoint the information in the book while you’re at it? Why do we need to search through them at all?”, asks Tim.

“I can’t scan for titles and articles at the same time. I’m not Google. …!! Okay, first match. Section G, Row 11. Title is Ridiculous Notions and Conspiracy Theories About IGNOLand That Are Actually True (Probably). Second match, Section J...”

“At least we’re making some headway”, shouts Angel, dashing off to find one of Bradios’ matches. “I hope the others are doing okay...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alright...we made it”, SG2 pants, out of breath from chasing the burrowing PENISES across the frozen landscape. “So...cold...let’s go inside now, c’mon guys, c’mon.” The sun has already begun to set, the long and cold winter evening setting in. Racing to the North Pole on foot took more time than they had expected, and it was only getting colder by the moment.

“No, SG2. We can’t just charge right in”, says Hamel, thinking reasonably. “We need to think of a plan and sneak in without alerting the guards.”

“I’m afraid there’ll be no need for that.” Everyone looks at each other, trying to figure out who spoke just now...before realizing it came from the rooftop, as a green-clad man stares down at them.

“You must be--”

“Cross? That is the name I was born with, yes. But you can call me Santa Claus now.”

“You’ll never be Santa Claus!!”, screams SG2, preparing to leap up to the roof after the man. She’s restrained by a calm hand on her shoulder, holding her back.

“What is it that you want, Cross?! Why have you stolen the artifact?”, shouts Bones, the ferocious winter wind sweeping his long hair to and fro.

“What else would I want? Christmas, of course!! I’m merely reclaiming my birthright and correcting a little mistake that was made in the past, that’s all.”

“What have you done with the real Santa Claus?”, asks LG, materializing his blade of light and adopting a fighting stance. “You’d better answer!!”

“I’m dreadfully sorry, but I’m afraid an answer will have to wait. You see, I’ve got a very big sleighride planned tonight, and it’s about time I get going. Lots of ground to cover, you know. But I do feel right terrible turning guests away that came all this way to see me...so allow me to provide some company to keep you busy!!”

With a snap of his fingers, dozens of twisted, elf-like creatures armed to the teeth with weapons appear before Cross, leaping down from the roof to face the heroes below. And with only 6 of them, they’re greatly outnumbered, and quickly find themselves surrounded.

“What are those?!”, questions MTS, a newcomer who hasn’t yet encountered the garden gnomes or their kin.

“Lawn Elves, looks like...and a lot of them.”, the Gaylian surmises.

“Shit...”, mutters Fenix, “looks like we’re not getting on that roof without a fight.”

“Fine by me, it’s been a while since I saw some action!!”, cries the Konungur, removing his crown and tossing it to the shadow demon. “Hold onto this for me, would you? HAAAAAH!!”

With a shout, Bones powers up. His shirt is torn to shreds as a thick layer of green bone encases his entire body, decorated with a white, skeletal pattern. His eyes burn red beneath the pitch black eye holes in his skull-like face, and he dons a traditional pirate hat marked with a skull and crossbones.

“Alright, now I’m ready. Better get the fuck back, elves, because Olaf E. Bones has landed!!”

“Heh...well, when have I ever been one to back down from a fight?”, SG2 says, grinning before materializing a chainsaw out of thin air. As she revvs it, she exclaims “let’s do this!!”

Following suit, LG readies his weapon and stands back-to-back with MTS, who cups her ample breasts in both hands. Hamel and Fenix partner up as well, providing a fiery mix of long-range and melee attacks. But they’re not alone. The Lawn Elves are carrying weapons of all kinds, and for every situation. Before, behind, and above, they’re all poised and ready to draw first blood from the IGNOite crew.

“Heh...now it’s a party!! C’mon!!”, SG2 shouts, charging ahead with her chainsaw and slicing through 3 ill-prepared elves in a flash. Bones catches the flying head of one such unfortunate creature, bowling it into another group as they charge towards him.

“Strike, motherfucker!!”

As he punches and bodychecks his way through the crowd, Hamel is bashing away with her flaming violin, sending those who don’t get immediate concussions running screaming as their bodies are engulfed with flame. Fenix, too, is shooting fireballs left and right, chanting various incantations from his trusty spellbook. LG wields the power of light to mow down the elves before him with ease, his mighty weapon the last gift bestowed upon him by his Great Gayfather. MTS slams her tremendous breasts together, generating incredible shockwaves that clear the crowds as she materializes her shadowy sword, The Night Bane, to clean up any still standing.

This brilliant array of teamwork is far too much for the Lawn Elves to handle...however, they are great in number, and seem to keep coming no matter how many are cut down by the heroes.

“Shit, we don’t have time to mess around here forever!!”, shouts MTS, noticing the movement on the roof of the workshop. “Cross is going to get away!!”

“Like Hell he is!!”, screams SG2, struggling to overcome the hordes of similarly-sized creatures sweeping over her.

“Well, it’s been fun, but if you’ll excuse me”, Cross shouts from the rooftop, “I’ve got a sleigh to catch. I’ve got centuries worth of misery to give back to the people of this world, so I’d better be on my way!! Tata, all!!”

“Dammit...we need to break through this crowd...!!”

“I don’t think we’ll make it, SG2...”, LG laments, doing his best to fend off the encroaching crowd.

“LIKE...HELL...WE WOOOOOOOOOOOON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, she screams, but it’s just not enough. No matter how many they destroy, there are always more to take their place, and Cross is already in the sleigh, preparing to depart.

“We can’t let it end here. Everyone, concentrate your attacks on the Elves surrounding SG2...we’ll create an opening!! It’ll be up to you to get on the roof after that!!”, Hamel decrees, everyone else nodding in agreement. “Okay, here goes...!!”

Hamel tosses a hairspray bomb at the crowd, which SG2 jumps just in time to escape the blast. Using the distraction, fireballs and shockwaves pelt down the remaining defense, creating just enough of an opening for SG2 to break through to the workshop. Wasting no time, she climbs the walls of the building furiously, digging teeth and claws in, all the while fighting against the elves grabbing at her feet from below. From above, the sniper elves fire bullets and arrows into the small tiger, but she remains undeterred, climbing up the building for dear life. Just as SG2 grasps the roof, her hand is stomped under the pointed shoe of an elf, determined to make her loose her grip and fall...but the remaining elves on the roof are struck down by a rain of fire, allowing her to scramble to the top!!

“I WON’T LET YOU GET AWAY!!”, she shouts, leaping into the air to grab one of the runners on Cross’ sleigh just before it gets out of reach. Her body full of flint and lead, it’s a struggle just to keep from passing out, but she endures the pain and hangs on tight. “YOU GUYS, QUICKLY...!!”

The remaining forces on the ground below finally manage to bust through the wall of Lawn Elves, rappelling up the workshop by way of Konungur Bones’ lightning tether. Hamel manages to grab onto SG2’s tail, causing the tiger to yelp in pain...Bones reverts to his normal form to reduce his own weight before grabbing onto Hamel’s scarf, while Fenix holds tight to his cape. MTS clings tightly to the back of the mage’s longcoat while LG grasps the tail of her dress, forming an awkward chain hitched to the back of the rapidly escaping sleigh.

“LG, you pervert!!”, MTS shouts, embarrassed by her sudden exposure.

“Oh please, bitch, I’m gay. I don’t wanna see that mess.”

“Still, d-don’t lift my dress...it’s c-c-cold...!!”

“We’ve got bigger problems right now!! We need to get into that sleigh, before we all fall to our deaths!!”, shouts Fenix, struggling to maintain his grip. “MTS...can you swing LG up there? If he can grab onto the sleigh and pull himself up, he can help the rest of us!!”

“Why me? SG2’s already holding onto the sleigh!!”

“SG2 is already bearing all of our weight, it has to be you!!”, Fenix bellows, not wanting the tiger’s efforts getting this far to be taken for granted.

“Alright...I’ll give it a try. Get ready, LG...!!”, MTS shouts, swinging her body up and down to generate enough momentum. “Now, let go!!”

LG releases his grip on MTS’ dress at just the right moment, being flung into the air. After a few moments of awkwardly ’swimming’ through the sky, he manages to grab hold of the sleigh’s side, pulling himself up.

“Alright, I did it!! Now it’s your turn, MTS!!”

“I don’t know...I’m not sure I can do it...”

“I’ll catch you!! I promise!!”

“I don’t know, LG...I don’t think I ca--”

“Do you trust me?!”

“.........nngh!!”

MTS flings herself up in the same manner, grabbing onto the Gaylian’s outstretched hand and pulling her body onto the sleigh. Everyone else follows suit until eventually they’re all aboard the sleigh before Cross finally notices.

“What?! How the Hell did you get up here?! Well, it doesn’t matter...you’re not staying!! Reindeer!!”

At his command, the reindeer pulling the sleigh begin to zig and zag through the evening sky, trying to launch the would-be heroes off the sleigh. Cross, however, is kept safely in place because he is smart enough to be wearing his seat belt, and knows not to text while flying. Eventually, the IGNOites are flung forward, landing squarely on the backs of the reindeer themselves.

“Haha, your plan failed!! Take a look at--woah!!” SG2 is flung about on the horns of a very angry reindeer, bucking her like a rodeo bull.

“Oh, did I forget to mention? I used Pixie Dust on the reindeer this year. I thought they might enjoy a change of pace!!”, shouts Cross, continuing to steer the sleigh out of control.

“Pixie Dust? What does that mean?”, Hamel asks.

“The Pixies are evil faeries, while the Piskis are good...Santa usually uses the Piski Dust to make the reindeer fly, but apparently Cross decided to turn them evil...!!”

“Great, like we haven’t been through...ENOUGH!!”, SG2 shouts, plunging her chainsaw into the head of the reindeer trying to throw her off. With one less steed to pull it, the sleigh swerves somewhat against Cross’ control, making the others quickly realize that violence was the only thing that was going to stop this sleigh ride from Hell.

Several beatings later, the unfortunate reindeer are all incapacitated. With nothing left to sustain its flight, the sleigh begins to spiral downward, gaining momentum before finally crashing hard on the ground below...with Cross, and the IGNOites, still aboard...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at the library, the Tracking Team finds themselves in their own peril, dashing through the lengthy halls as if outrunning some horrific beast.

“I think...that means...we found...the right book...!!”, cries xL, gasping for breath as he runs for his life.

“How was I supposed to know the books in the library were booby trapped?! That didn’t happen when I grabbed the book from before!!”, shouts the Krampus, as he, too, flees.

There is a loud rumbling as a gigantic boulder races down the bookcase-lined corridors, following after the hapless team...or at least, those without wings.

“Hey, that’s not fair!! At least get down here and run with us!!”, Bradios yells, looking up at Angel and Katie as they hover just out of the boulder’s reach.

“We’ve got our work cut out for us up here too, you know!!”, Angel shoots back, narrowly dodging spear and arrow traps. “It’s like this stuff is straight out of a movie or something!!”

Finally, Katie manages to find a switch that opens a secret door hidden behind a wall, which the team all quickly runs inside as the boulder continues on its straight path. But just as they breathe a sigh of relief, the door closes behind them...in fact, all the walls seem to be closing in around them...

“Oh, great...so we managed to escape being crushed to death just so we could be crushed to death. Brilliant!! What kind of a nutjob designed this place?!”, Bradios shouts angrily.

“I think that pretty much cements this as Cross’ doing. He wanted to make sure no one else could discover the secrets he learned and get out alive...”, PWR ventures.

“Wait...that’s it!!”, Tim exclaims. “For us to be setting off these traps, we must have hit on the answer!!”

“Great, I’m glad to know we found the secret to saving Christmas right before we’re smashed into paste!!”, xL shouts back angrily.

“Hey, geniuses, instead of bickering about how we’re gonna die, how about doing something about it? We need to work together if we’re gonna get out of here!!”, says Angel. “Search the room!! There has to be something in here!! After all, we got in through a secret passage in the wall...there must be one that leads out, too!!”

“You mean like this?”, Bradios says, pointing at a switch set into the wall. “But I can’t push it, it’s encasted too deeply into the rock!! Dammit!!”

“I’ve got an idea, hang on!!”, shouts PWR, going into the corner of the room and crouching down...shitting out a pickaxe, and returning to the others. “Here, use this to chisel it out. Hurry!!” Everyone faces her with looks of disapproval, not wanting to touch the pickaxe even when the alternative is a very painful death. “Ugh, fine, I’ll do it!! Outta my way!!”

She eventually manages to break through the rock enough to access the switch, flipping it...and stopping the encroaching walls. Their lives have been spared temporarily, but with no means of escaping the room, their problems weren’t over.

“Wait, you guys...look!!”, says Angel, pointing at the ceiling above them. “Haha, it was open the whole time...whooooops!!”

“...I’ll have time to be angry about that later...for now, let’s go!!”, xL says, tossing a length of rope through the opening which Angel flies to the top and secures. “Alright, everyone, climb!!”

“WAIT!!”, shouts the Krampus, reminding everyone that he’s still there. “What if there’s another trap up there? Do you want us to all find ourselves trapped again?”

“Then what do you suggest we do? There’s no other way out of this room...”, Bradios notes, having scanned the now-motionless walls. “We have to risk it, don’t we?”

“Well, someone does, yes...but not everyone.”

“...what are you saying...?”, questions Katie, the glare of untrust returning to her eyes.

“Isn’t it obvious? We have to send one person up first to make sure it’s safe before the rest follow.”

“And if it isn’t?”

“Well...that’s why we have to choose the most...expendable, of the group.”

“And what if we decide to send you up first, huh?”, Bradios retorts angrily.

“I think you’ve forgotten the whole reason I’m here. Without me, you’ll never find Santa Claus, and the world will be plunged into eternal darkness...are you willing to risk that?”

“...shit...but then...how can we choose...?”

The Krampus grins slyly as his plan to sow disorder among the group slowly takes effect. He watches sadistically as everyone’s eyes dart about, mentally judging their peers on their merits and flaws, eager to throw one of their own to the wolves...for even if they all pretend to be friends on the surface, when it comes down to a situation of life and death, all humans will reveal their true colors and--

“Wait, I know what we can do!!”, interjects Tim, whipping out his new pocket-sized iClone device. “I’ll just send one of my clones up, then we don’t have to choose!!”

“...oh...of course, you can do that, as well...”, the Krampus responds, dumbfounded.

As Tim’s clone shimmies up the rope and discovers the coast is clear, the other IGNOites follow suit, with an angry Krampus tailing behind. As they reach the top, they find themselves in a dimly lit chamber, where a single book rests atop what almost looks like an altar...

“This must be it. ...Clone, take the book.”, Tim commands. The clone reluctantly obeys, lifting the book carefully from its seat, when suddenly...a rumble rings out, but quickly falls silent. Nothing in the room appears to have changed...and so it would seem safe to open the book.

The clone hands it off to his real counterpart, who turns to the first page and makes a startling discovery...a glowing, spiraling vortex is situated on the page itself, beneath the printed words, “Realm of the Ancients”. Surely, this is what they had come in search of...

“Clone...touch the vortex.”

The clone groans, but obeys, reaching out to touch the vortex on the page...and then sticking his entire arm through the portal in amazement. Just as he’s about to turn and speak to the others, however, his entire body is sucked inside the book.

“This must be it. This is the entrance to the Realm of the Ancients, where Cross got the relic...and where he must have hidden Santa Claus. I can sense his presence closer than before...we have to go inside.”, the Krampus beckons, snatching the book from Tim’s hands. As he turns to face the others, however...their expressions are less enthused. “...what’s wrong? This is what we came all this way for. Don’t tell me you’re scared now.”

“It’s not that we’re scared...”, answers Bradios, “it’s just that...we still don’t know if we should believe you.” The Krampus is stunned, dropping the book on the floor below, its pages still open to the glowing vortex of energy.

“I can’t believe this. Have we not come this far thanks to my help? Has seeing this library for yourselves not proven my words to be truthful? Did we not just overcome death to reach this book? And now you all want to make these risks go to waste by not continuing on?!”

“...I guess that’s true, but...you have to understand”, Angel remarks seriously. “you’ve attacked us so many times in the past. It’s hard...to trust someone like you.”

“...fine. If that’s how you all really feel, then fine. Come with me, don’t come, it matters not. I will put a stop to Cross, with or without your help.”

And with that, the Krampus leaps into the portal from the book on the floor, vanishing from sight...the IGNOites are shocked at this level of dedication, but can see nothing but an ominous purple glow as they peer into it. Swallowing hard, they realize what they have to do...and dive in after him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After arriving through the portal safely, the members of the Tracking Team find themselves in an alternate realm, filled with ruins from civilizations long past. But their mesmerization at this apparent trip back through history is cut short as they discover the Krampus has already found a bound-and-gagged Santa Claus...sitting atop a sacrificial altar.

“““Santa!!”””, they cry, all dashing to his side at once. It’s not long before his ropes are undone and his gag removed, allowing him to stand on his own two feet once more.

“Phew!! Thank goodness you found me when you did!!”, he exclaims in jolly fashion. “Considering you made it all this way, am I to assume you’ve already encountered Cross?”

“Well, not us, specifically...but we’re aware of him”, Angel responds. “In any case, we need to get you out of here and back to earth quickly, before Cross ruins Christmas forever!!”

“I know. And if that relic is still in his possession when the clock strikes midnight and it’s officially Christmas Day...then all will be lost, my thousands of years maintaining his seal all wasted...”

“We won’t let that happen, Santa. Now come on, we have to hurry!!”, says Bradios, motioning towards the way back to the portal. But Santa has stopped, fixated on the monstrous figure before him.

“I have to admit, you’re the last person I would have expected to come here and save me...or is it that you can’t stand the thought of someone other than yourself destroying Christmas?”

“Hmph. Something like that, anyway. It’s not like I did it for your sake, or anything.”

“Ho ho ho!! You always were a stubborn one. ...but thank you.”

“Okay, can we save the chit-chat for later? We’d better hurry and get out of here before--”

“I AM AFRAID THAT NONE OF YOU WILL BE LEAVING THIS PLACE ALIVE.”

“...something like that happens...”, laments xL, as suddenly the gang is surrounded by humanoid beings in tribal warrior dress, decorated with war paint.

“WE ARE THE KEEPERS OF THE HISTORY. AND YOU, FOR TRESPASSING IN THIS SACRED REALM, SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH BEFORE OUR OMNIPOTENT GOD.”

“Great...first it was boulders, arrow traps, and walls closing in on us...now a bunch of natives are gonna pull spears on us, right? This just can’t get any more cliche”, PWR criticizes.

“THINK AGAIN”, shouts the chieftain, as all of his warriors brandish flamethrowers and assault rifles.

“...okay, I stand corrected...”

“I hate to say this, but the Krampus was right. We’ve come too far now to let it all end here”, says Katie. “If we’re going to go down, we’re not going to do it without a fight!! C’mon, guys!!” she shouts, leaping onto the back of her faithful husband and steed and taking to the sky. Von Goatly expertly dodges a hailstorm of bullets as he zig-zags through the air, dropkicking a warrior in the back of the head with a sturdy goat hoof.

“She’s right...I’m not going to let this prevent my Christmas!! Not when I’m expecting to be getting that sweet, sweet new software under my tree!!”, cries Bradios, pulling out his own gun with a flourish and firing terrific lightning bolts in all directions.

“Aaah, watch where you’re aiming that thing, man!!”, xL shouts, sidestepping Bradios’ careless shots. “Heh, that’s what she said...oh, right, I should be focusing!! Here I go!!” And with that, he transforms his left arm into a specialized cannon, firing out searing-hot toast. “TASTE MY HOT BUTTERED FURY!!”

“We’ve done this countless times before...and we’ll keep on doing it, as long as Christmas needs us!! I’ve come a long way since the old days, don’t underestimate me!!”, Angel bellows, materializing a bow of light. She draws back the ethereal string and launches a storm of holy, light-encased arrows from the sky above, returning fire for every bullet shot at her.

“I may be new to this whole ’saving Christmas’ thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m about to slack off, either!! Go, my razorblade-shitting crows, destroy them!!”, PWR commands, raising a leg high in the air as a flock of jet-black crows flies free from her VAGE. The crows swarm around the tribal warriors, disrupting their fire with a distracting flutter of black wings and feathers as a deluge of razorblades pours down on them from above.

“New to saving Christmas? That goes double for me!!”, says Tim, scanning his iClone device over his body and producing another duplicate.

“Make that triple!!”, answers the clone, holding a clone of the iClone device and scanning himself.

“Quadruple!!”

“Quintuple!!”

“Sextuple!!”

Before long, there’s a whole army of Tims to match the might of the warriors surrounding them, all of them drawing magical blades that launch lethal lightning. Unfortunately, even the combined force of all their simultaneous attacks is still proving futile against the highly-skilled Keepers of the History, who have obviously trained to prevent just anyone from traipsing through their realm of ancient secrets. It begged the question of just how skilled this Cross must be to have bested them and made off with the idol...but there was no time to worry about the other team and transition to their side of the story yet, because this scene hasn’t reached its climax!!

“Dammit, this isn’t working!! They’re too strong, even disarmed they’re masters of hand-to-hand combat!!”, Katie despairs, as a warrior grabs hold of Von Goatly’s horns and flings the two of them into the distance. And she’s not the only one, as the other IGNOites are struggling to mow down their opponents as well, who prove to be more skilled than they bargained for.

“Just because we’re not the Offense Team is no reason to take us lightly...!!”, screams Bradios, his gun transforming into a plasma cannon and pelting the warriors with shots.

“Even so, we don’t have the stamina to outlast them...we’ll never get Santa out of here in--”

No sooner does she say it than Angel turns to see Santa on his back, barreling through the crowds somehow...no, wait!! He was being carried...by the Krampus!! Despite his weakened state, the Krampus, too, was doing his part, carrying Santa in one hand, whipping his birch rod at the warriors with the other, struggling to break through to the portal. But he just wasn’t strong enough to overcome them...

“Krampus, are you okay? Let us do the fighting!!”, Angel shouts, flying lower to meet him as she continues to launch arrows at the warriors.

“No...you take him to the portal and get out of here!! I’ll hold them off!!”

“But that’s crazy!! You don’t have any of your Christmas power!!”

“...in the past...even when I’ve been loaded up with Christmas Magic...your little band of heroes has bested me each time. Perhaps, it’s my turn...to summon up the Christmas Spirit, and save the holiday from destruction for a change!!”

“...Krampus...”

“Now quickly, there isn’t much time left!! Take him, and get out of here, all of you!! I’ll be alright.” The Krampus tosses Santa to Angel, who catches him and flies higher to avoid attack.

“...alright...everyone, let’s go!! We’re breaking through to the portal!!”

“Stop!! Warriors, after them!!”

Racing after Angel, the other IGNOites bust through the warriors just long enough to escape in the direction of the portal. They’re tempted to look back and see how the Krampus is doing...but they know that there’s no time, and won’t let his sacrifice be in vain. Swallowing hard, they leap through the portal one after another, finding themselves back in the dimly-lit altar chamber...

“I don’t know what I’m thinking...but I won’t let this plan fail. So come on, you thinly-veiled jungle savage stereotypes...come at me!! I won’t let you through that portal!!”

And what happened then? Well the legends, they say, that the Krampus embraced Christmas Spirit that day!! Despite his weakened form, he fought the Keepers of the History with all his might, whipping his trusty birch rod and chains at the warriors - who had since run out of ammo, because there was nowhere to purchase additional munitions in a society founded on ancient ruins and culture. Even so, he was outnumbered by soldiers well-trained in hand-to-hand combat, and things were looking grim...was defeating Cross and preventing someone else from stealing Christmas in his stead truly worth this effort? Or was there something deeper at stake? Only the Krampus himself knew, as he valiantly fought to buy time for the IGNOites...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Deep in barren reaches of the frozen landscape, in the midst of the raging blizzard...lay what remained of Santa’s stolen sleigh after the crash landing engineered by SG2 and the rest of the Offense Team. Lying in a heap of broken, twisted metal and splintered wood were 8 bloodied an mangled reindeer, a small tiger shot full of arrows, a shirtless pirate, a tattered shadow demon, a severely-bruised Gaylian, a banged-up kitsune, a princess whose boobs cushioned most of the blow...and a very angry green-suited man, struggling to pull himself back to his feet.

“You...dirty...rotten...meddling...kiddddddsssss...”, growled Cross, looking upon the wreckage wrought by the interlopers. “Thousands of years lying in wait, studying, listening in on the deepest, darkest secrets hidden within IGNOLand...planning my move down to the very last detail...stealing the Christmas Artifact, and finally reclaiming my birthright, my destiny, in becoming Santa Claus...everything, everything was leading up to this moment, and you still managed to make it all go up in flames!!” As he says it, Cross thrusts out his arms and causes the area surrounding the ruined sleigh to be engulfed in a ring of fire. “But I’m not finished with you yet, ooooh no...I will become Santa Claus, and I will turn Christmas into a dark and unholy day in revenge for being locked away from the outside world!!”

Cross removes his hat to reveal the Christmas Artifact sitting atop his head - a glowing idol of silver and gold, shaped like a Christmas tree. As he grasps it with both hands, his eyes widen, pupils disappearing...his body convulsing, his beard fraying, as he grows to an enormous size. His muscles bulge, an aura of Christmas Magic emanating from his very being...red and green energy crackles around him as he laughs a horrendous ’hu hu hu’. The idol floats upward and embeds itself directly in the center of his massive forehead.

“Nnnh...huh...?”, groans the tiger as she comes to, looking way, way up at the gigantic creature towering above them all. “W-what...what is that?!”

“It’s Cross. He’s absorbed the Christmas Magic straight from the idol...”, says Bones, who has also returned to his feet. His bare chest gleams in the moonlight, providing much fanservice to his ladyfans. MTS and LG swoon.

“And here we thought preventing his flight would be enough...as long as he has that idol, he’s going to be unstoppable.”, Hamel reasons. “We need to get it away from him!”

“Easier said than done...”, laments Fenix. “But we have no choice but to try. We’re going to have to buy time fighting him while someone wrestles that relic away from him...”

“Yeah, yeah...I know. It’s gotta be me.” SG2’s voice is low and determined. “Sheesh...as if I haven’t done enough climbing for one day...”

“It’s our best bet. You’re the smallest, so he’s less likely to notice you...we’ll do our best to hold him off until then. Do you think you can handle it?”, Bones asks the tiger. She nods.

“Leave it to me...good luck, you guys.” SG2 dashes off, grabbing onto Cross’ ankle and making her way up.

“Alright, here we go again!!”, shouts the Konungur, once again transforming into his bone-armored state. LG, MTS, Hamel and Fenix follow suit, adopting fighting stances and preparing to take on the massive Cross.

“HU HU HU HU HU!! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT TACTIC WILL WORK ON ME? YOU THINK JUST BECAUSE I’VE GOTTEN BIGGER, MY BRAINS HAVE DISAPPEARED?” Cross leaps into the air, driving his knee hard into the ground as he lands, smashing SG2 into the cold snow. “THINK AGAIN, I’M JUST AS INTELLIGENT AS I WAS BEFORE, AND A THOUSAND TIMES MORE POWERFUL!! YOU HAVE NO CHANCE!!”

“““SG2!!”””, everyone shouts, but there’s no time to worry about her - Cross quickly rushes forward and sweeps a leg out, bowling over both Bones and Hamel in a single shot.

“OH, DID I FORGET TO MENTION? I’M JUST AS FAST, TOO!! HU HU HU HU HU!!!!!!”

“Fuck...is there any way...?!”, MTS cries, gritting her teeth. She grabs hold of her considerable bosom, launching shockwave after shockwave at Cross’ feet with hopes of knocking him off balance. “Behold the might of my boobs!!”

“SORRY, MY DEAR, BUT I’VE ALWAYS BEEN MORE OF AN ASS MAN!!”, Cross shouts, firing a candycane-striped beam at the titty sorceress. MTS screams as her flesh is burned by its minty freshness.

“MTS, no!! You’ll pay, you bastard!!”, LG screams, using his weapon like a pole vault and leaping high into the sky. As he swings his mighty blade of light, Cross grabs hold of it and stops him in midair.

“AH, YES, THE FULL-BLOODED GAYLIAN, IS IT? I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR PEOPLE. IN FACT, YOU COULD SAY I WROTE THE BOOK ON GAYLIAN HISTORY!! HU HU HU!!”

“M...maybe the history as far as this planet knows...but you’ll never know the true...Gaylian...legends...!!”

“PERHAPS NOT, DEAR BOY...”, Cross retorts, spinning in a circle and swinging LG far into the distance. “...AND NOW, NO ONE EVER WILL!!”

“Guess it’s all up to me now”, whispers Fenix, looking at his incapacitated friends. “let’s see how you like...the Typo Cannon!!” The kitsune mage chants an arcane spell and produces a large cannon floating in the air above, pointing directly at Cross’ chest. “OKEWAS AXCUSE MY TYOIS!!”, he cries, launching a barrage of butchered English at the fiend. “UNDERSTANS=F!! HAPH OUR!! ASS LEAP, SCHOOL OF HARD KOCKS, HOT DONG, QUZAY, FOOJPAFIA, WWWRYBIDY, WHA6EGER!! KOK, EIFHR, NONOIPOKY, TIUPOSE, DCKSUSS, GHORST, JSEEICAKLS, BREALDFAST, JJ XPP;!! C0ICKING, DHAST, HAMBURGER CREAM, SHIRTSTORM, TASTEMENT, CONFRUDES, VLADENTINES, GARIRL, NORICEINF, CREAPT, BOYGRIND, EX!_5)6 YOU MURDERY MISTEEEEER!!”

But alas, not even this exceptional mockery of the written word is enough to deter the monstrous Cross, who merely turns the canon around and points it right back at Fenix, giving him a taste of his own ’tiupose’. The hapless mage is unable to withstand the onslaught and is flung backward, skidding across the snow a few times before finally coming to a stop...motionless.

“HU HU HU!! IS THAT IT? IS THAT TRULY THE BEST YOU COULD OFFER? I WAS HOPING I MIGHT AT LEAST GET A CHALLENGE!! BUT OH WELL, I GUESS I’LL ENTERTAIN MYSELF BY MAKING THE REST OF THE WORLD REMEMBER CHRISTMAS AS A DAY OF RAMPANT DESTRUCTION!!”

“D...Dammit...it can’t end this way...”, groans SG2. “No matter how grim it looks...every year we...manage in the end..t-to...”

“OH, BUT I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE RATHER FOOLISH OF ME TO JUST WALK AWAY NOW AND LEAVE YOU ALL AMBIGUOUSLY DEFEATED, WOULDN’T IT?”, Cross remarks, looking down at the motionless bodies beneath his massive feet. “NO, UNLIKE THAT FOOLISH KRAMPUS, I’M GONNA MAKE DAMN SURE YOU’RE ALL DEAD BEFORE I GO FURTHER!!”

“N...no...I have to...I’m the only one who...can save...!!”, the tiger utters weakly, trying to pull herself to her feet...but it’s no use. Her body had already been loaded full of bullets and arrows, and then trampled, flung from the sky, and mercilessly crushed. But isn’t this how it always was? When things looked their darkest, in the past...wasn’t that always the time when SG2 found her inner strength and Christmas Spirit, rising and defeating the villain, against all odds?! So surely...surely she had to get to her feet...surely...!! “I...HAVE TO SAVE...CHRISTMAAAAAAS!!”

Time seems to slow down for some reason, as in a classically dramatic moment, SG2 leaps to her feet - just as Cross is about to bring his foot down on her defenseless friends. She races with all her might to make it in time, latching onto his foot and sinking her teeth in. Cross growls in what sounds like slow motion, trying desperately to shake the tiger loose, but to no avail.

“GET OFF, DAMMIT, GET OFF!! ...JUST KIDDING!!”, he grins, as the scene’s speed appears to return to normal with Cross bringing his foot straight down, with SG2 still clinging to it. The tiger is smashed into the huddled bodies of Konungur Bones, MTS, and Hamel - Fenix and LG having been, fortuitously, sent flying some distance away.

There was a bloodcurdling crunch that resounded through the night air...and then, silence...

SG2 was notorious for her immortality, having existed since IGNOLand was created, and surviving even the most deadly events. Bones was forged by the anvils of the Gods themselves, and presumably able to revive himself from any death not wrought by divine intervention. As a demon, Hamel should have been immune to the dangers that plague mortal lives, and MTS’ longevity had carried her from before the creation of IGNOLand into the present. But if there was one thing that these exceptional creatures all had in common, despite their super-mortal statuses...it was that they all had bones, and not even the bones of nigh-godlike beings would have been able to withstand such a blow. There was no Christmas Miracle this time. Those who did not die outright were at the very least completely mangled by Cross’ mighty foot. And it wasn’t over, either, as LG and Fenix were also on Cross’ naughty list and soon to be his next victims.

“AND NOW, FOR THE TWO STRAGGLERS...”, Cross says seriously, stomping over to the area where LG and Fenix had landed conveniently not far from each other.

“SG2...everyone...they can’t...be...”, LG groans, unable to move his own body. His own ribs would seem to have been broken with his fall, and he could only assume Fenix was in a similar situation. “I guess this is really it, this time...Cross...can’t be stopped...Dammit, Dammit...!!”

Cross finally reaches his remaining two victims, blasting them with a large, red and green energy ball. There is a loud crackling of electricity as the two scream in excruciating pain. When the cries finally cease, the only sound that can be heard is the gentle falling of the evening snow...

“HU HU HU HU HU!! LOOK AT THAT, I’M SIX FOR SIX!! I’M NOT FORGETTING ANYONE, AM I? SAY, IF ANYONE’S STILL ALIVE DOWN THERE, FEEL FREE TO SPEAK UP!! ...WHAT’S THAT, NOTHING? OH DEAR, I GUESS I’VE KILLED THEM ALL AFTER ALL!! HU HU HU HU!!!”

“Not so fast. You forgot about me.”

Before Cross has a chance to react to the mysterious new voice, a blinding white flash appears and knocks him square across the face, sending him stumbling backward. It takes a moment for him to regain his bearings, glaring angrily as he looks into the sky and sees...the members of the Tracking Team, crowded onto Von Goatly and Angel’s backs!!

“WHO...ARE YOU...?”

“The name’s Deus Ex Machina...bitch!!”, shouts Bradios, firing a barrage of plasma balls into Cross’ face. This proves to do little more than itch and reactivate his rage, however.

“AH YES, I SUPPOSE I DID FORGET THAT THE ONES I KILLED STILL HAD SOME FRIENDS!! BUT YOU’RE TOO LATE!! IF THEY COULDN’T DEFEAT ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO?!”

“We’re not trying to defeat you”, PWR says matter-of-factly, spewing out crows to surround the villain. “We’re just here as a distraction!!”

“A DISTRACTION?! FROM WHAT?!”, Cross bellows angrily, desperately trying to swat away the crows pecking at his face.

“From me!!”

Cross looks up to see none other than the Krampus diving through the sky, landing directly on top of his head!! Cross struggles desperately to snatch the beast and throw him down, but he can’t manage to grab that which he can’t see - not to mention, his hands are a bit busy fending off the barrage of crows, flaming toast, goat condoms, light arrows, lightning shots and gunfire all bombarding him at once.

“ST...STOP IT, YOU FOOL!! YOU SHOULD BE JOINING ME RATHER THAN FIGHTING AGAINST ME!!”, Cross shouts in desperation. “AFTER ALL, WHAT CAN A WEAKLING LIKE YOU POSSIBLY DO AGAINST ME, ANYWAYS?! YOU DON’T HAVE ANY CHRISTMAS POWER!!”

“And neither will you...without this!!”, the Krampus points out, grabbing onto the idol buried in Cross’ forehead...and with a strong tug, begins pulling it loose.

“W-WAIT, NO!! DON’T TOUCH THAT!! I’LL GIVE YOU POWER, OKAY?! WE CAN RULE TOGETHER!! I KNOW YOU WANT THE SAME THINGS I DO, AND TOGETHER NOTHING WILL BE ABLE TO STOP US FROM ANNIHILATING THE JOY OF CHRISTMAS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!”

“Sorry, Cross Kringle...but I’m nothing like you!!”

“NO, WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Putting all of his strength into it, the Krampus eventually manages to pull the idol loose - knocked back by the force as a geiser of blood shoots out from Cross’ face.

“M-MY POWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The Krampus spirals through the air, grasping the artifact tightly, as Cross begins to shrink down - all his power being returned to the glowing idol. His screams pierce the night sky as Von Goatly and Angel zoom down and manage to catch the Krampus before he can hit the ground, the relic tumbling from his hands and landing safely in the snow below. They watch from the distance as Cross is finally drained completely...revealing his original form.

“...a...lawn elf...?”, Katie remarks in surprise as she takes the group in for a landing.

“Yes. A lawn elf. This is the true, pathetic form of my older brother.” Santa Claus dismounts the flying goat, walking over to the now diminutive Cross, who hangs his head in shame.

“But...how? You’re not an elf, Santa!!”, says a surprised Tim.

“No...but my mother was. Of course, she was an ordinary Christmas elf...one of the toymakers for my father, the previous Santa Claus. They knew it was forbidden, but they fell in love...only to learn of the potentially dangerous birth defects that can befall the offspring of human and elf.”

“It’s true...”, Cross answers, his voice low and remorseful. “I was always mocked and resented for being the bastard offspring of a human and an elf by the other toymakers...they hated and bullied me. Even though I worked so hard...I was never appreciated. It...changed me.”

“That’s just an excuse, and you know it!!”, bellows Santa. “Father and mother loved you in spite of your appearance!! I loved you!! You’re my only brother...as long as we had each other, it should have been enough!!”

“...you’re right...what have I done...? I became so consumed by my jealousy that it turned me evil...it made me turn my back on the ones whose opinions I should have valued...my family.” He raises his head to look at his brother. “Can you ever forgive me, Chris? Or will you forever hate me?” Santa puts an arm around his smaller brother’s shoulder.

“I never hated you, Cross...you’re my brother.”

“...Chris...this time, things will be different. We can go back home...we ca--”

There is a sudden ’bang’...and Cross falls over limply, a pool of crimson flowing from his head and dying the pure, white snow beneath him. The IGNOites look on in shock as Santa stands with a solemn look on his face, holding a smoking gun in his hand - a gun he must have grabbed from one of the Keepers of History before the others took him back through the portal.

“Santa...you...”

“I had no choice, he was pure evil. You all saw what he was capable of!!”

“B-but...he was repenting!! It was supposed to be a happy ending!!”, cries Angel.

“Oh please, this isn’t a fairy tale!! He was a sociopathic evil genius bent on killing millions of people over something as petty as being picked on as a child. There was a reason we had to imprison him for thousands of years, you know!!” he shrugs, dropping the gun into the snow.

“...W-well...I guess that wraps things up, at least...”, Tim says nervously. “...except...”

“...the others...”, xL mutters, looking over at the bodies of their friends. “...are they...really...?”

The members of the Tracking Team slowly approach the disfigured masses, swallowing hard...it wasn’t a pleasant situation, to say the least, but they had to examine them closely for signs of life. SG2 was, of course, still breathing, but her body was so torn up it looked more like an orange-striped wad of dough than a tiger...Bones, as well, was barely recognizable, living up to his namesake as his bones were jutting every which way through his flesh. Hamel appeared to be mostly intact, though her body - normally composed of masses of fiery shadows - was little more than a charred, black husk...as a spirit fox, Fenix had been able to endure the damage from his fall as well as the brutal shocks of Cross’ energy blasts, and fortunately managed to pull himself to his feet. However, though long-lived, both LG and MTS were mortal...and breathed no more...

“This...this can’t be happening...”, whispered Angel, tears flowing from her eyes. And she wasn’t alone...all of the survivors gathered around their fallen comrades, kneeling over their broken forms, and cried.

“SG2...please...wake up...please...you’re supposed to be the hero...and set everything right in the end...”, Tim cried, zapping her body faintly with his electricity. Bradios followed suit, desperately trying to shock some life back into her, but to no avail. No amount of electric shock therapy was going to bring her, or any of the others, back.

They had managed to pull through in the end, and against all odds, rescue Santa Claus and prevent Cross from destroying Christmas...but at what cost? And so, in the wake of their bittersweet victory, they cried. Even Santa Claus hung his head in silence, his powers not formidable enough to revive the fallen or restore their bodies...it was truly a hollow victory.

But just when things seemed to be at their lowest point...it seemed that when the Krampus had dropped the Christmas Artifact, it had tumbled next to the fallen SG2. And as her friends cried, she could hear...her body may have been broken, but her life force remained. And she could feel the despair of her companions as their tears soaked into the snow...their compassion gave her strength, and she managed to stretch out her hand just far enough to touch the glowing idol with her little finger.

There was a sudden flash of silver and gold, catching the mourning survivors by surprise...as suddenly, miraculously, the energy that had returned to the artifact began to pour out in radiant strands, flowing over the fallen heroes. Signs of life began to return...the twitching of fingers, the gentle rise and fall of breathing, the faint sounds of groaning...the survivors stood back in utter astonishment as their friends began to rise to their feet, their wounds fading as if a dream. There was truly no way to describe what had just transpired as anything but a Christmas Miracle.

And then, as though nothing horrible had happened at all, SG2 sat up with a smile on her face, holding the miraculous idol in her hands. She turns to her friends, bearing a wide grin.

“Haha...look, you guys...we got it back!! We saved Christmas, w--”

Just as quickly as she rose, SG2 was once again struck down, a hole blasted straight through her heart. The rest of the IGNOites turned, their faces a mixture of shock and rage, to see the Krampus standing behind where SG2 was - the idol in one hand, and a gun in the other.

“Tsk tsk tsk. You should never just leave a gun on the ground unattended. Why, someone bad could come along and pick it up!!”

“Krampus...how could you?!”, Angel screams, drawing her bow. “I thought you’d changed!!”

“Hahahaha, me? Changed? I made it clear from the start that I was only teaming up with you so that I could get Cross out of the way and destroy Christmas myself!! You really should have seen this coming.”

“You...bastaaaaaaard!!” cries Konungur Bones, though he’s quickly stopped in his tracks as the Krampus pulls Santa Claus close, pointing the gun against the fat man’s temple.

“Now now, I wouldn’t be so hasty if I were you. Wouldn’t want the blood of two Kringles to be spilled in one day!!” he laughs, tossing the idol into the air and catching it again in his free hand. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking this with me.”

“How could you...I thought you said you didn’t have any interest in that relic!!”, recalls LG.

“Well, no, not if it meant devoting years of my time to researching a mysterious secret location to find it, of course. But if it’s going to just fall right into my lap, why not? Once I rule the world, I’m sure I can afford to get a bigger castle and some nice display shelves for it!! Ahahahaha!!”

The Krampus begins to absorb the Christmas Magic from the idol, which seems to be able to store near limitless amounts of holiday energy. Unsurprisingly, his body begins to grow to an enormous size, like Cross before him, and his laughter shakes the very ground below.

“THIS IS INCREDIBLE...THIS IS FAR MORE ENERGY THAN I’VE EVER POSSESSED BEFORE!! MAYBE THAT CROSS GUY WAS SMART TO LOOK FOR THIS THING, AFTER ALL!!”

“Not again...we’re no match for him in that state!! We’ve got to run for it!!”, cries Bones.

“But if we just leave him, he’ll destroy Christmas!! How can we--” Angel is cut off.

“You saw what that power did to us!! There’s no telling what else it’s capable of!! I hate to say it, but I’m sick of saving Christmas - if he wants it that bad, let him fuckin’ have it!!”, he shouts, motioning for the others to run after him.

“AHAHAHAHAHA!! THIS POWER...THIS UNBELIEVABLE POWER!! FORGET CHRISTMAS, WHY STOP THERE?! WITH THIS KIND OF STRENGTH, THE WHOLE WORLD WILL BE MINE!!”

Bones suddenly freezes in his tracks, turning around slowly to face the Krampus once more.

“Oh, Hell no. Now you’ve gone one too far...”, he mutters, invoking his transformation once more. “This world...belongs to ME!!”

“Mein Konungur, don’t do it!! You know charging at him recklessly isn’t enough to--”

“I HAVE TO TRY!! I WON’T LET HIM TRY TO TAKE OVER MY WORLD!!”

“GAHAHAHAHAHA!! THEN BY ALL MEANS, COME AT ME, YOU INSIGNIFICANT WEAKLING!! AS I AM NOW, YOU’RE NOTHING MORE THAN AN ANT CHALLENGING A DINOSAUR!! I’M OVERFLOWING WITH SO MUCH CHRISTMAS POWER, EVEN I CAN’T CONTAIN IT!! I CAN’T......I can’t...contain it?! W-what...what...?!”

Bones pauses in his charge, confused as the Krampus suddenly grabs his head, seemingly in pain. His body starts to spark and glow, his size still increasing unchecked. The energy continues to pour out from the relic in his hand, straight into his body. Realizing what’s going on, Bones breaks his transformation and runs back towards the rest of the group, grabbing SG2’s body on his way.

“EVERYONE, RUN!! FAR AWAY, NOW!!”

Wasting no time to ask questions, the IGNOites nod and obey their Konungur, getting as far away from the still-growing Krampus as they possibly can, until finally...there is a colossal explosion. Chunks of fur-covered meat rain down across the area, sprinkling the snow unceremoniously. When the smoke finally clears, there’s no trace left of the Krampus...only the mysterious tree-shaped artifact, lying on its side in the crater. The heroes stop running and turn to look at the destruction.

“He destroyed himself...”, remarks PWR.

“Guess he didn’t know how to stop the flow of energy, like Cross did...he absorbed more than he could handle.”, Fenix reasons.

“C’mon. We need to get that idol back, and make sure it never falls into the wrong hands again.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I can’t thank you all enough for your help...this year, and every year before it. If it weren’t for you always saving the day, Christmas would have been cancelled long ago, ho ho ho!!”

“So, where’s our reward?”, PWR asks greedily, only to receive a smack to the head from MTS. “Ow, what?! He’s the one who’s being all grateful!!”

“O ho ho ho ho!! No, you’re right!! I’ve actually got some special gifts picked out for you all this year, no need to worry!!”

“What are you going to do with the idol, Santa?”, Tim asks. “I’m not so sure the Keepers of the History will be as accommodating holding onto it, after what we did to their realm...”

“Ho ho ho, they’ll calm down eventually once they understand the circumstances. After all, guarding objects of unimaginable power and keeping the dark secrets of IGNOLand safe from those who would use it for evil is their job!!”

“...dark secrets of IGNOLand? What kind of d--”

“Now then!!”, Santa interrupts suspiciously. “I’d better get going back to the North Pole to prepare for my flight...except...”, he says, voice falling as he looks at the wreckage that was once his sleigh and reindeer.

“Oh, about that...”, laughs SG2, who had since managed to regenerate the hole in her heart. “Sorry. We sorta...”

“Oh, it’s alright!! The reindeer should be fine after a few days’ rest, but what on earth am I going to use in the meantime?”, he ponders, scratching his head. Katie and Bradios look at each other, getting an idea.

“Um, we’ll be glad to help, Santa...if you’ll let us, of course.”, offers Bradios. “I can fix your sleigh up good as new--”

“...and I can call some friends to help pull your sleigh while the reindeer recover!!”, finishes Katie.

“Ho? Well, I certainly won’t turn away the offer!!”

“It’s no problem, but do you think you’ll be able to deliver all the toys in time?”

“O ho ho, why, it’s only 9 PM!! I’ve been under bigger time crunches than this in the past, you know!!”

“Well then, if you don’t need the rest of us...”, Bones says, “...we’d like to head back to the Boneyard and enjoy what’s left of the evening. Besides...”

“““It’s freezing out here!!”, shout the still-shirtless Bones, MTS and LG simultaneously.

Everyone laughs, for far too long, and with far too much cheesy enthusiasm as though it were the end of some holiday special cartoon. Bradios begins working on the repairs for Santa’s sleigh and Katie calls in some flying goats to help pull the sleigh, as the others say their goodbyes and head back to Bones Castle. When they arrive, they discover a great surprise - though they had just left Santa, beneath the Christmas tree decorating the castle halls were mountains of lavishly-wrapped gifts, addressed to each of the heroes. In addition to that was a card addressed to all of them, which read,

Thank you all again for your efforts. Your brilliant teamwork made possible by the friendship and dedication you have to one another is admirable, and something all people should aspire to, even beyond the Christmas season. I hope you each find something you enjoy under the tree. Merry Christmas to you all!!

Your Friend,

Chris

And indeed, they all found something specially tailored to them beneath that tree.

For SG2, a brand new chainsaw with a matching rocket launcher, specifically designed to launch chainsaw blades with flair and precision.

Konungur Bones found three beautiful virgins wrapped up in tinsel and bows, standing beneath the mistletoe. He even got a brand new package of extra-large condoms just for the occasion.

For Fenix, a brand new old book of arcane spells, many of them so ancient and taboo that they are said to have destroyed entire civilizations with their black magic. ...and with it, a pocket dictionary, to help him work on those typos.

Angel received a tome on The Kama Sutra For Females With Exceptionally Large PENISES.

For Katie, a year’s supply of sketched-out acorns, grown right in Bel-Air, and some heavenly goat condoms so that her and Von Goatly could enjoy the rest of their night while Goatie was with the babysitter.

To LG, an assemble-it-yourself kit for a spaceship powerful enough for him to return to Gaylia, with an engine powered by PENIS fuel.

xL unwrapped a deluxe atomic toaster with built-in PENIS pump attachment, for that fresh-squeezed taste of homemade jizz spread.

Bradios opened an upgrade card, allowing him to download new firmware so state-of-the-art it wouldn’t hit the store shelves for another 3 years!!

For Hamel, a new Stradivarius with a secret compartment designed specifically to hold Cupcaeks, for those emergency situations where you’ve just gotta have one.

PWR discovered three gorgeous manwhores wearing nothing but crotchribbons, eager to be unwrapped and enjoy all year long.

Tim got upgraded to the iClone 5, which was basically the same exact thing as his iClone 4, but more expensive, and with a slightly different form factor. He also received a lovely young sheep.

And finally, for MTS, a revolution in bra technology, like they describe bras on TV commercials, only with actual technology...designed not only to cradle the breasts in exquisite comfort, but to augment their combat capabilities. It even had convenient nipple flaps, for exposing hypnotic teats on the fly.

But the greatest gift of all, they found, was the fact that overcoming adversity had brought them all closer together, and that the true magic of the season wasn’t in having mystical artifacts or glowing red and green energy blasts, but in friendships, and having companions willing to sacrifice themselves for each other.

“Merry Christmas, everyone...”, says SG2, toasting a glass of cheese soda to her friends. “...but you guys owe me.”

Everyone laughed, clinking their glasses together and enjoying the good holiday cheer, as--

“No, seriously. This shit’s a lot of work. I got loaded full of lead and arrows, stomped on, fell hundreds of feet through the air, got stomped on again, crushed into a bloody pulp while trying to save your asses, and then shot through the heart for good measure. You bitches better be grateful.”

...as the joyous chuckling turned into nervous laughter, everyone eventually fell silent, and decided to just enjoy their holiday feast quietly...and maybe make sure they came around the board more often to post, considering the effort put into writing this story for them all. But fourth wall breaking aside, it proved to be a great Christmas down in IGNOLand, with promising hopes in store for the new year.

“...hey, do you think we should have told Santa about the secret underground library full of forbidden ancient secrets of IGNOLand...?”, xL leaned over to whisper in Bradios’ ear.

“Hmm......nah. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

THE END.