‘Twas the dawn of Christmas Eve in IGNOLand. The snowflakes danced through the cold morning air, bringing with them thoughts of good cheer and holiday joy. Tomorrow would be Christmas, the happiest time of the year!! Little children rose from their beds with anxious smiles, begging their parents to let them open just one present from under the tree a day early. Houses smelled of delicious baked goods mixed with the scent of pine needles, and the dim glow of Christmas lights dotted the landscape. Truly, it was the Christmas season, and everyone in IGNOLand was in the spirit...

...that is, almost everyone.

Deep in the northern Ice Plains, beyond the frozen wastelands, past the frosty mountains, was a menacing tower constructed entirely of ice crystals...and behind its walls, sitting in his throne with a look on his face mixing rage and impatience...was the menacing beast known only as the Krampus.

The Krampus hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season, and none in all IGNOLand quite knew the reason. It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right, it could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. But most likely, if he himself would you tell, ‘twas the fact that his heart held the darkness of Hell. Cursed to roam the earth eternally, never to know death’s sweet embrace, the Krampus was a bitter old creature. He had a hideous visage, covered in coarse fur of a sickly green color. His face was wrinkled, framed by rows of sharp teeth jutting from his underbite, and beady red eyes aglow with a deep-seated rage. Atop his head were two long, black horns, bringing to mind demons as depicted in ancient texts. Shackles bound his wrists to nothing in particular, as his chains swung freely down to his cloven feet. But perhaps his most distinguishable feature was his great, lolling tongue. As an evil being, the Krampus hated everything to do with Christmas - the joy, the laughter, the love, it burned and made him physically ill. And while none in IGNOLand knew exactly why the Krampus was cursed to this eternal, miserable existence, his hatred of the holiday season was well known...and feared.

Perhaps the intensity of this hatred fueled his power, for each year, the closer it drew to Christmas, the stronger he would become - reaching his peak at the dawn of Christmas day. The Krampus would often take advantage of this conveniently-timed boost in strength to construct a plot that would destroy Christmas once and for all, but he would always inevitably fail as a group of brave heroes put a stop to his plans at the last second. Some years he wouldn’t even try, knowing a poorly-constructed scheme would surely end in his failure. But this year...something was different. He couldn’t quite put his finger on why, but as he sat there on his icy throne, the Krampus realized he felt...different. He felt weaker than he should on the morning of Christmas Eve, so noteworthy that it was known in some ancient circles as Krampusnacht. Rising slowly, he carried himself over to the mirror in his chambers to behold that, indeed, his body was as thin and frail as it ever was throughout the rest of the year. But how could this be? By December, he should have been gaining considerable bulk, and with just a day before Christmas he should have nearly regained his true form!!

Something definitely wasn’t right. The calendar said December 24th, and the brilliant glow of lights and ringing of bells from across IGNOLand, visible and echoing high on his mountain top, certainly seemed to concur. The laughter of the children playing in the snow seared his skin, and the joyful holiday songs sung faintly in the distance boiled his blood. It was most definitely Christmas time...so why hadn’t he felt his power surge? He’d never be able to destroy Christmas in this state!! Krampus knew he needed to get to the bottom of this, and while he loathed to admit it, he knew there was only one way to find out what was going on...he would have to go to him.

The halls of Castle Bones were a bustle with the usual vibrancy for this time of year. Deep in the heart of Knochenstadt, situated in the middle of the desolate Boneyard, this impregnable fortress was the headquarters of Konungur Bones - infamous and charismatic ruler of IGNOLand. None but those in his personal pantry would be allowed through its imposing doorway under ordinary circumstances...but this was a special occasion. The Konungur held a holiday banquet for his group of friends each year, inviting them from all over IGNOLand to join the festivities. Bones declared himself Konungur of IGNOLand almost five decades ago, and during his reign there had been relative peace - well, aside from the great war with The Outback, but nobody's perfect. Despite his fearsome reputation, this annual feast was as much a celebration of the bond he shared with the friends who helped him come so far as it was for the traditions of Christmas - not that he’d admit it. The tables in the banquet hall were lined with all manner of the most delicious cuisine available to IGNOLand, ranging from the finest meats and cheeses to dolphin eggs, hood ice cream bars, cupcaeks, and toast with a suspiciously thick white spread. There were all the traditional holiday trappings as well, with a festive tree in the corner, and holly strung along the sturdy bone walls. This year was poised to be a fantastic holiday for Konungur Bones and all of his friends!!

It had seemed that all the guests had finally arrived, and dinner would be served as soon as His Liege the Konungur returned to the hall, having stepped out for a moment. Over in the corner by the Christmas tree were a small tiger and a spiky-haired man wearing a tattered martial arts gi, enjoying some party snacks and idle chatter.

SG2

Man, I love Christmas. I feel like it’s been forever since we all got together like this. How about you, LG?

The tiger asked between sips of cheese soda. The Gaylian answered as he enjoyed a fruity mangotini.

It’s alright. I guess I just get a little depressed this time of year. It makes me nostalgic for the holiday celebrations we had back home on Gaylia.

LG was a rogue warrior from the distant planet of Gaylia, home to an all-male race with a long and rich history. Due to a variety of complicated circumstances long ago, LG was stranded on earth with no means to construct a spaceship powerful enough to return him to his home planet. There, he had left his lover, Comet, and longed to return to him. Seeing everyone in IGNOLand filled with joy and love must have been difficult for him at this time of year, so SG2 decided not to press the subject further. Instead, she stood there in awkward silence, scanning the crowded room to see who had arrived.

There was Reese, the fiery red-haired mage who had supposedly fled to IGNOLand from a distant country during troubling times. A long-time friend, Reese was now a trusted member of Bones’ pantry who made his home in Reese's Roost, a nation in the volcanic regions of the Ragged Wastes.

Over at the refreshments table, enjoying a pre-dinner snack of some sketched-out acorns, were Katie and her husband, Von Goatly. Katie was a Goatling - a type of humanoid Beast race possessing goat-like horns - who lived high atop Goat Mountain among her ruminant kin. As one of very few remaining Goatlings, Katie possessed the unique power to command the mythical flying goats, the species to which her husband belonged. Their son Goatie was left at home with a babysitter so his parents could enjoy some quality time alone...and because Bones was still not happy about Goatie eating the entire tablecloth and ruining dinner last year.

To her right was Angel, enjoying some of Von Goatly’s homemade horny goat weed salad. Angel was a divine being with unknown origins, aside from the fact that she hailed from The Outback. Angel had a long-standing connection to the subterranean Garden Gnomes, IGNOLand’s one-time arch enemies who had helped the Krampus try to destroy Christmas once in the past - though she had commanded them to be good this year so they could enjoy the holiday in peace.

Lurking around near the punch table was xL, a devious Lactoluster from the remote island nation of Toastopolis. No doubt, he had spiked it with some of his patented ‘secret sauce’, which was a delicacy in his homeland. xL was at odds with IGNOLand on occasion, but had for the most part reformed his former terrorist ways and was allowed into the Konungur’s castle for the first time since that incident. Soon, Tim came over to partake of some punch, and the two enjoyed some light conversation. As Tim’s pet sheep grazed on some salad, the Outbackian beastman remarked on its fragrant, salty taste, seemingly oblivious to xL’s suspicious grin. Tim was once an enemy of Bones’ Empire in the aftermath of the Outbackian War, branded as a Traitor for his role in developing the Neutral Nation...and for stealing the Konungur’s catchphrases. Ordinarily, allowing someone of Tim’s notoriety into Knochenstadt would have been a matter of national security - but as he had on some occasions been helpful, an exception was made for the sake of the holidays.

On the other side of the room was Bradios, tinkering with some broken technology so it could be repaired and re gifted. Bradios was a cyborg - a human soldier who had been experimented on by his former homeland of The Outback - and originally intended to be a weapon for war. Now the leader of the Neutral Nation of Bradios Banks, he should have been even more an enemy to the Konungur than Tim...however, he, too, had proven useful in the past for his incredible technology and weapons, so Bones grudgingly allowed him to attend the holiday banquet as long as he remained on his best behavior.

Slipping through the shadows was Hamel, a fiery shadow demon of shadowy fieryness, who was sneaking through the castle and hiding her trademark cupcaeks in unexpected places. Unfortunately, PWR had snuck up behind him and grabbed one of the hidden prizes, stuffing it into her pants to feed her hungry crow companions. As two demons who arrived in IGNOLand at relatively the same time, PWR and Hamel had become fast friends, and were enjoying some idle chatter while awaiting dinner. They were soon joined by MTS, who had procured some diced pineapple from the refreshments table and munched on it earnestly. The mysterious elven princess of the Boob Gardens, MTS was the most recent to join the group of friends in their exploits - though due to the longevity of her people, she was among the oldest.

About twenty minutes had passed when SG2 finally spotted the Konungur himself returning to the hall...running. And with an uncharacteristically panicked expression on his face, no less. As the brave Nord ruler of the land, not showing distress in a tense situation was one of his most valued traits. For something to stress the Konungur himself out so much that he’d come dashing back into the castle in the midst of a joyous occasion could mean nothing good, and it seemed SG2 wasn’t the only one to reach this conclusion as silence quickly overtook the room. When he finally reached them and stood still, breathing heavily, it was SG2 who was the first to speak.

SG2

What’s...going on, My Liege...?

BONES

Everyone...I’m sorry to interrupt the festivities, but it’s a good thing you’re all here. I’m afraid we have...a situation.

While it was truly convenient that IGNOLand’s greatest warriors were all gathered together under one roof, they couldn’t help but wonder what could be such a problem as to cause their fearless leader to behave so strangely. But there were a few faces in the confused crowd that beheld knowing expressions...a dangerous situation, and on Christmas Eve? There could only be one answer, and it was something that SG2, Reese, Angel and even Bones himself had experienced many times in the past.

ANGEL

It’s Krampus...isn’t it?

Angel spoke with tension in her voice. Konungur Bones nodded solemnly.

BONES

Yes. But...there’s something different.

With that, Konungur Bones stepped aside, turning to face his entrance hall as a group of his leprechaun servants escort a new guest to the castle - Krampus himself, bound by his own chains. The tension in the room became palpable as everyone adopted a fighting stance, prepared to attack at their ruler’s word. However, Bones waved a hand back at them telling them to hold their ground, his eyes never leaving the subject before him.

BONES

Ungag him.

The leprechauns nodded, climbing up the tall creature’s body and removing the gag from his mouth. The Krampus’ tongue lolled back out, and after a moment of catching his breath...he spoke.

KRAMPUS

I’ve come for your help.

A blizzard raged through the mountain air as the Krampus stepped out of his icy fortress. He had to get to the bottom of this unusual lack of Christmas power, and decided the only way to get answers would be to pay a certain acquaintance of his a visit. Surely, the man would be hard at work gearing up for his holiday ride in a few hours, but the Krampus was confident he wouldn’t be turned away - after all, the two went way back, with a connection spanning thousands of years. His hopes rode on this connection, far too weak to fight against that man’s bodyguards in his current state, but he knew he had to try. And so, mounting his faithful ibex, the Krampus rode down the mountain, through the snow, with the North Pole as his destination.

Finally arriving, he parked his steed nearby and approached the door to Santa’s Workshop, where the big man would no doubt be toiling away. Unsurprisingly, his armed elf guards greeted the Krampus with hostility...but something seemed different about them. These weren’t Santa’s usual holly jolly Christmas elves, but something far more sinister, the look in their beady red eyes reminding the Krampus of his own.

???

They’re Lawn Elves”, responded a mysterious voice, as though reading the Krampus’ mind. They suit my style more than those overly-cheerful toymakers...don’t you think?

Speaking to him from the roof of the workshop was Santa Claus himself. Or so it seemed, at a glance, until the Krampus looked a little closer. Rather than his iconic red suit, the man was dressed in green, and his beard was dark grey and unkempt as opposed to the white and fluffy one that he was so notable for. He was also taller, thinner, and though his features were very similar to Santa’s, his face was long, his chin pointed, and his cheeks were anything but rosy.

???

Judging from the surprised look on your face, I’m guessing my brother never told you about me.

The man called out, snapping the Krampus back to reality as he jumped from the rooftop and landed effortlessly on the ground below.

???

Well, if you came looking for Chris, I’m afraid you’re out of luck...I’m his brother, and I’ll be taking over his position from now on. The name’s Santa Claus...nice to meet you.

The Krampus’ expression tensed, not liking this man’s tone. For all the good it did him with his body in its current state, he raised his guard, eliciting a hearty laugh from the impostor before him - but this was no ‘ho ho ho’, rather a low, rumbling ‘hu hu hu’. The Krampus was not nearly as amused, however...if it was one thing he hated more than Christmas, it was to be underestimated, but even he knew what it must have looked like right now. Now that he could see him up close, the fake Santa Claus was actually quite well-built, a stark contrast to his notoriously overweight counterpart. If he had his full Christmas power, the Krampus would have easily outranked him, but--

???

...but you don’t have that power now, do you? How sad for you...but I’m afraid that power you’ve taken for granted every year now belongs to someone who actually worked hard for it - me!!

KRAMPUS

How do you--

???

Know what you're thinking? Know who you are? Oh, but there’s a lot of things I know. In fact, it’s very easy to learn when you’re forced to spend all your time sealed away from the rest of the world. Study, study, study. Thousands of years worth of study, my friend!! Hu hu hu!!

Krampus opened his mouth to speak, but realized immediately the pointlessness of it - somehow, this man already knew what he was going to say.

???

Ah yes. ‘Who are you’, is next, isn't it? Why, you really should pay more attention, my dear boy...

The Santa Claus impostor then raised his open palm at the beast before him.

???

I already told you...I’m Santa Claus.

This time, it was the weakened Krampus who knew what was about to happen...and he knew that in his current state he was nowhere near fast enough to dodge it. The instant the red and green ball of energy left the impostor's palm, the Krampus was already down. The smell of singed fur filled the air as ash mingled with snow, the Krampus’ charred body hitting the ground face-first in a heap. The fake Santa smiled down at him, planting a firm boot on his back and grinding him deeper into the white powder.

???

Sorry, Dear Krampus, but I’m afraid I’ll be the one stealing Christmas this year. Hu hu hu hu hu!!!!!

The dry laugh echoed through the snow-filled air as the green-clad doppelganger entered the workshop, followed by his loyal elves...

KRAMPUS

...I came to about an hour later. Whether he slacked in his studies, or knew I couldn’t die and was just toying with me, I’m unsure, but I got out of there as quickly as I could.

Silence blanketed the castle dining hall as Krampus finished sharing his tale. By now, the painstakingly prepared feast had gone cold - and with it, the holiday spirits of the IGNOites. None were entirely sure what to make of this development, nor what they should say in response.

SG2

...assuming you are telling the truth...who exactly is this guy, and why is he impersonating Santa Claus?

KRAMPUS

I did a little studying of my own and am fairly confident I’ve found the answer. It’s all in this book I brought with me...but since I currently am without the use of my hands, you’ll have to find it yourselves.

A leprechaun reached his small hand under the tightly-bound chains to discover that the Krampus was, in fact, clutching a book behind his folded arms. Slipping the book out, he handed it to Konungur Bones.

BONES

Secret Histories and Legends of IGNOLand...

Bones read the title off its cover, flipping through the pages aimlessly.

KRAMPUS

No, u...use the index, you fool, the index!!

Bones shot an icy glare at the Krampus as though to remind him the situation he was in - though his advice was heeded all the same.

BONES

The Story of Santa Claus’ Brother...would this be it?

Krampus nodded. Bones handed the book to the silver-tongued Reese, instructing him to read it aloud.

The endless cycle of the Santa Claus dates back thousands of years, prior to widespread human colonization of IGNOLand. Historically, the job has been kept within the family since the original Kristof Kringle first took up the task, with the current Santa Claus passing the role of successor to one of his children when his time is up. This is traditionally bestowed upon the eldest son, but the story goes that the current Santa Claus at the time of this writing was the younger of two sons. The brothers, Chris and Cross Kringle, were both hard-working young men who helped their father in his workshop throughout the year, right down to his annual flight. However, while Chris was often praised for his skill in making toys, Cross received no acknowledgement from their father. Eventually the time to decide the successor came, and Chris was chosen for his purity of heart, while Cross smoldered with jealousy and hatred for his oft-praised brother. His father had sensed the evil that lurked within the boy’s heart, and denied him this traditional birthright. In a fit of rage, Cross attempted to murder his brother, but Chris awakened his Christmas Magic and was able to deter the attack, sealing his evil brother away for his misdeeds. It is said that Cross now lies, eternally bound, in a prison deep beneath the earth, still kept under his brother’s seal. However...it is whispered that since this seal is maintained with Christmas Magic, is is broken for one day every year, on Christmas Eve, when his brother needs to focus that power on his flight.........

REESE

Huh, that was a convenient exposition. So this impostor...you think it’s Santa’s brother?

BONES

Okay, so that explains who this guy probably is, and why he would be free on Christmas Eve, but if he’s able to break free every year, why have we never seen him before? Shouldn’t this supposedly be happening every year?

SG2

And what does he want, anyways? I mean, if he attacked Krampus, it sounds like he’s out for more than just getting revenge on his brother...

KRAMPUS

That’s only part of it. Turn to page 837, I have a feeling that might be related.

REESE

The Ancient Artifact of Christmas Magic...wait, this is?!

While it is the job of Santa Claus to deliver toys to all the children of the world, this is a task that would be impossible for an ordinary man. The potent Piski Dust is responsible for his reindeer’s ability to fly, but even with them, how does one man make a trip around the entire world in the course of mere hours? How does he fit down chimneys, or fit all the toys into a single sled? Legend has it that this is all possible because of Christmas Magic, but this magic is not from a natural source. Ancient texts suggest that the source of this Magic is a mythical artifact that lies hidden somewhere out of the reach of ordinary mortals. This artifact lies dormant and charges all year long until the Christmas season, when it begins to radiate the magical energy to Santa Claus, his elves, and even other holiday creatures like The Krampus.

Because this energy is so valuable, it has been locked away for as long as Christmas has existed, its location known only to the one who bears the official title of Santa Claus. Not even Santa’s most trusted elves or reindeer are aware of its hiding place, for if the secret of its whereabouts were to get out, the consequences for all Christmas could be catastrophic...

REESE

...that’s all it says. There’s not even a picture of it. Hey, does this thing actually exist?

Reese raised an eyebrow in doubt.

KRAMPUS

If it didn’t, how else would you explain the fact that I become more powerful the closer it is to Christmas? I can assure you that it exists, but I'm afraid it’s just like the book says. Even I don’t know where it’s hidden.

ANGEL

If you knew that such a thing existed, why have you never tried to steal it before?

KRAMPUS

I never needed to steal it. I’m eternally bound to Santa Claus as his mortal enemy. Whenever that Christmas Magic begins to outpour, it fuels me just as much as it does him. Having it in my possession wouldn’t likely make enough difference to be worth spending hundreds of years searching for it, and it’d just be another object I’d have to find somewhere to store in my fortress. I’d probably want to get a fancy display for something that valuable, too, and do you know how much those things cost? They’re not cheap, believe you me!! And I’d want to get it insured on top of that, what with your little band of heroes destroying my tower almost every year...I’m not made of money, you know.

SG2

But, you’re gre--

KRAMPUS

DON’T SAY IT!!

KATIE

Ahem, anyway. So you think this Cross guy got his hands on the artifact and used it to become the new Santa Claus? But what did he do with his brother? And how did he find such a supposedly well-guarded object in the first place?

KRAMPUS

He’s probably hidden him in the same place the relic was located. That way, a rag-tag band of heroes wouldn’t be able to rescue him and save the day. From the way he spoke, it would seem he’s had all this planned out well in advance. He mentioned the fact that he’s had nothing else to do but study in his years of imprisonment, so I imagine he had all the time in the world to research every last bit of IGNOLand lore and deduce the location of the object.

BRADIOS

Then all he needed...was to wait for his seal to be broken again.

KRAMPUS

Precisely. I hate to say it, but he’s beaten me. Now that he’s gotten his hands on the idol, all the Christmas Magic is being directly siphoned into him - that’s why I haven’t gained any of the power myself, and probably why his brother was unable to resist being captured.

ANGEL

So...you want us to help you take him down...and then what? You’ll just steal the artifact for yourself, become all-powerful, and try to overthrow Christmas like you do every year!! Do you honestly expect us to work together with you just so that you can turn around and do exactly the same thing we’re trying to prevent him from doing?!

KRAMPUS

I’ll admit that I don’t have the purest of intentions. In fact, far from it. But I don’t like how this guy just showed up out of nowhere and stole my spotlight. Destroying Christmas is supposed to be my job - and I don’t like his attitude. I’m far more interested in preventing him the satisfaction of destroying Christmas than I am in some stupid artifact. Believe me, if I could do this on my own, the last thing I’d have done is ask you for help. But as you can plainly see...I’m no match for him as I am now.

SG2

Alright, it’s obvious that you need us. But what makes you think that we need you?

The tiger barked in disgust, staring up at the much taller creature.

KRAMPUS

Because I’m the only one who can help you track Santa Claus.

BONES

What do you mean, ‘track’ him?

KRAMPUS

Haven’t you ever wondered why I’ve always been able to find Santa, no matter where in the world he might be? The two of us are eternally bound. Whoever holds the title of Santa Claus will always be connected to the Krampus...he delivers gifts to the good children, and I punish the naughty ones. The nature of our relationship is that of two sides on the same coin...yin, and yang. We balance each other, and just as I cannot exist without him, he can’t exist without me.

HAMEL

So if someone were to kill the real Santa Claus...you would cease to exist?

MTS

Idiot!! We’re not going to let Santa be killed just to destroy the Krampus!!

MTS slapped Hamel, understanding that this was exactly what the demon was getting at.

HAMEL

Ow, I know, I know!! I was just asking!!

SG2

So because you’re both bound together...are you saying you’re, like...a Santa Compass?

KRAMPUS

...I suppose you could look at it that way...yes. No matter where Santa Claus is...as long as he is still alive, I will be able to sense his whereabouts, as he can mine. Face it. Without me, you have no way of finding out where Santa Claus is being held in time to save him. You either work with me, and risk me destroying Christmas...or ensure its destruction at the hands of an impostor.

Silence falls over all the IGNOites as they grit their teeth, realizing what the Krampus says is true. Even if it was a trap...if they didn’t work with him, there wouldn’t even be an alternative. And there was no telling what Cross was capable of with that artifact...at least they had Krampus-defeating experience under their belts if worse came to worst. But allowing Cross to run free and do nothing...was out of the question. All it would take now was the final say of Konungur Bones, so the IGNOites watch on anxiously while the Krampus grins his hideous, fanged grin...

BONES

...Leprechauns. Undo his chains.

The entire room collectively gasped as Bones gave the shocking order.

SG2

But, My Liege--

BONES

Listen up, everyone!! This is MY kingdom, which makes Christmas MY holiday, and I’m not about to let this Cross asshole take that away!! So you’re all either with me...or you’re against me!! Are we all clear?!

Bones addressed the castle full of his friends, subjects and occasional enemies, drawing his signature battle axe and raising it high. It was a cry for war. SG2 sighed, but decides to trust the judgement of her leader...and, as his right-hand tiger, gave her consent by first bowing, and then kneeling before him.

SG2

Yes, My Liege.

Following SG2’s lead, Reese did the same.

REESE

Yes, My Liege.

One after another, every person in the room consented their approval, bowing and kneeling before the one to whom they entrusted their fates.

ALL

Yes, My Liege!!

The united cry echoed through the castle halls as Konungur Bones held his axe aloft like a general about to lead his forces into battle. After a long moment, he lowered the weapon and returned it to his back, smiling.

BONES

Good. Now, come on!! It’s time to go give this Cross guy a taste of my 'fluffy hugs'!!

SG2

We'll follow you to the ends of the earth, My Liege!! I just have one question before we go.

KRAMPUS

And that is...?

The tiger walked boldly up to their most hated holiday foe, glaring fiercely, her stride confident. Krampus met her glare in kind, unafraid of the tiger who had defeated him so many times in the past.

SG2

...who are you, again?

The crowd’s enthusiasm quickly turned to stunned shock, as once again - as every year - SG2 has forgotten the identity of one of IGNOLand's most dangerous enemies.

Recovering from the surprise at SG2’s stupidity, all the IGNOites gathered their belongings and prepared to depart. While they bemoaned not getting to enjoy a quiet Christmas feast with their friends, they all knew that if they didn’t work together to stop Cross there would never again be a Christmas at all. While looks of disappointment and determination painted their faces, only the Krampus smiled...

BONES

Alright. If we’re going to tackle this, we’re probably going to need to--

SG2

Split up into team. Yeah yeah, we all know, we do it every year. Let's just get down to who's with who.

Bones was unamused by SG2's callous interruption as she waved her hand dismissively in his direction.

BONES

...right. Well, I think two teams will suffice. One will need to go with Krampus and focus on tracking Santa down. The other will go to the North Pole and try to get that relic back from Cross before he destroys Christmas we know it.

SG2

Okay, so the team that goes after Santa will need to be good at tracking...and the other team should consist of strong, offensive fighters.

BONES

...alright, miss I’ve-done-this-a-million-times-before, would you like to decide the teams?

Bones replied dryly as SG2 stepped all over his authority as a leader. The tiger immediately began pointing at each member in turn and muttering, counting them out and judging their merits.

SG2

Okay, I think I've got it.

The Offense Team will consist of Konungur Bones, for his barbaric strength, LG, as a proud and skilled warrior of Gaylia, MTS, for her thunderous, shockwave-inducing tits, Reese, for his prowess with ranged spells, Hamel, who packs a lot of firepower, and of course myself, because I always end up saving the day in the end, and therefore need to go with the team that’s most likely to take a dramatic pummeling only to be saved by me in the end.

BONES

You don’t have to be so genre-savvy, you know...

SG2

Meanwhile, the Santa-Tracking Team is going to need to be a little more skill-oriented. Katie and her husband Von Goatly can cover a lot of ground by flying, as can Angel, so they’ll be able to survey the landscape and see things that not everyone can. xL is...experienced...when it comes to stalking, breaking and entering, and other such talents, so he’ll probably be an asset for hunting the big man down. PWR can send her VAGE crows to investigate things at great aerial distances, as well. Tim and his cloning machine will finally come in handy, because it’s good to have strength in numbers when you need to spread out and search. Finally, Bradios is equipped with the latest GPS tracking technology and will prove invaluable on this mission.

BRADIOS

Actually, I’m still installing updates. But it’s okay, I’m currently at 73%...er, 70%......60%? Um...I’ll keep you posted. Stupid firmware!!

SG2

Er, that aside...it’ll be an even 6 per team, so--

KRAMPUS

I think you’ve forgotten something, little tiger.

SG2

...right...well, you’ll obviously be on the Santa-tracking team, so go stand over there.

SG2 shot him an untrusting glare. The members of the tracking team were none too enthused, either, but they knew that without his skills they’d never be able to accomplish their mission.

ANGEL

So where do we start? The Offense Team is going right to the North Pole, but...I don’t even know where we’re supposed to begin.

Angel and the rest of her team slowly turned to face the one person who could answer that question.

Oh, are you asking me? How sweet, we’re bonding already. Well, there’s a problem with that. I’m not entirely sure, myself.

BRADIOS

What?! PROBLEM?! You’re supposed to be able to track Santa Claus!! That’s the whole reason we unchained you in the first place, it’s the only reason we’re helping you!!

KRAMPUS

Calm down, robot boy. I can sense his presence. The problem is, it’s incredibly faint, which can mean one of two things. Either he’s on the verge of death, or he’s being held somewhere not of this world...and despite my weakened physique, I’m feeling perfectly healthy, so I’d imagine it’s the latter.

TIM

Not of this world? What does that mean?

KRAMPUS

A pocket dimension. In other words, a dimension connected to, but separate from this one, likely via some sort of portal. Most likely, Cross has hidden this entrance portal away somewhere that would be difficult for others to reach in order to prevent, well, exactly what we're try to do. It would be the safest place to trap Santa Claus just as he himself was once trapped - explaining why I can only sense his presence faintly.

So before we can even get started, we’ll need to find the entrance to this realm...is what you’re saying?

KRAMPUS

Very good!! You’re a smart boy, aren’t you?

Krampus pet LG head condescendingly, much to the gaylian's anger.

KRAMPUS

That would be the problem we face now. Even though I could probably guide you to where Santa’s presence feels the strongest, there’s no guarantee that’s where the entrance is hidden. But I do think I know where we can find out.

TIM

Alright. We’ll trust you, for now, but you’d better not be lying. IGNOLand doesn’t take kindly to traitors...I should know.

KRAMPUS

Oh don’t worry...until our little Cross situation is dealt with, I have nothing to gain from betraying you.

BONES

Alright, good luck to you guys. Just make sure you keep an eye on him. As for the rest of us, we’d better get moving to the North Pole. Let’s go!!

BONES

Ugh, why did I let you decide the teams, SG2?!

Bones screamed at the small tiger as the Offense Team found themselves standing in the middle of a raging blizzard with seemingly no idea where they’re going. LG and MTS shivered violently, their outfits leaving their bare skin exposed to the cold, while Reese and Hamel worked on building a fire.

SG2

I’m sorry, okay?! I just did what we usually seem to do, and picked the ones most suited to the required tasks!!

BONES

Yes, but you left our team with no means of transportation to get to the North Pole!! And then you brilliantly suggested we just go on foot, only to reveal you have no idea what direction the North Pole is in!! Here’s a hint, SG2 - it’s north!! NORTH!!

SG2

I said I was sorry!! It’s not my fault I didn’t know north doesn’t always mean ‘up’!!

BONES

This is just great. Now we’re stranded with no idea where we are, and you sent all the flying goats and tracker cyborgs off with the other team!! When we get back to the castle, you’re getting a demotion!!

SG2

Whatever!! That doesn’t solve our problem right now, so let’s stop yelling and work together to find a way to get...un-lost, okay?! Anyone have any suggestions?

Well, I’ve contacted some of my Wall friends underground...maybe they’ll be able to tell us which direction the North Pole is in.

MTS

A-a-a-a-and I c-c-c-can u-u-u-use my h-h-h-hypnotits to s-s-s-see through the blizz-z-z-zzard...

HAMEL

Not to mention Reese and I can melt away some of the deeper snow so that walking is easier, and try to keep some of the falling snow at bay.

BONES

I guess it’s the best we can do for now. Alright, everyone, c’mon...let’s follow the path of the burrowing Walls.

ANGEL

So...why are we in a library?

The Tracking Team found themselves in the middle of a labyrinthian library, having followed the Krampus to an underground entrance just on the border between Knochenstadt and IGNO City. There were all manner of tomes stretched out on massive shelves as far as the eye could see, and the vast majority of them had thick coats of dust and looked incredibly worn. No doubt, this was a very old library...though why they had been brought here had yet to be made apparent.

KRAMPUS

This is where I got the book of legends from earlier. And, unless I miss my guess, it’s most likely where Cross did all that ‘studying’ he mentioned...

TIM

But I thought he was sealed up all year ‘round, except for during Christmas Eve? How would he even be able to access this place...?

KRAMPUS

That wouldn’t be a problem if this was where he was imprisoned in the first place. ...hmm, these are no good. What we’re looking for probably won’t be in the front of the library...let’s keep moving.

PWR

Imprisoned...here? What do you mean? You think Santa sealed his evil brother away in...a gigantic library?

KRAMPUS

No, that’d be completely absurd. What I’m saying is that this wasn’t a library at the time Cross was imprisoned. Rather, he’s most likely the one who constructed, and filled, this library.

PWR

What? But this place is gigantic!! There’s no way just one person could write this many books, right?!

KRAMPUS

Do you really think so? Cross was imprisoned by his brother many years ago. He remained bound by him, unable to escape, unable to die...I suppose in that respect he reminds me of myself.

The IGNOites were overwhelmed by the sudden influx of information, and the implications of it all.

KRAMPUS

Regardless, there were a few things about my encounter with him that made me suspect this theory was possible. First of all, he seemed to be able to read my mind...or at least, predict what I was most likely about to say before I said it. He also seemed to know all about me, and my past exploits...probably about your group, too.

Then there was the way he used the word ‘study’...I’m not sure he meant reading books. It seemed to me like he was somehow aware of...everything. Everything that transpires in IGNOLand, and has throughout history, like he was cursed to witness but never take part in it. And the fact that the book of legends would have such specific information in it, particularly his own backstory...don’t you think it strange?

BRADIOS

“..I suppose you’re right...

KRAMPUS

My theory is that his brother imprisoned him here - deep below the earth - to live out his eternity in solitude, forever aware of the goings-on up on the surface, but cursed and unable to venture above ground himself. And in those years alone, with nothing else to pass the time, he wrote. He wrote everything he heard, everything he saw, everything he imagined up. And the more he wrote, the more space he needed to house his massive collection...

KATIE

So, Cross built this huge subterranean library himself...? That something like this had been right underneath us this entire time...incredible.

KRAMPUS

Well...it’s just a theory. Regardless of how this got here, or whom is responsible...if there’s anywhere in the world we can go and find information on the whereabouts of the ancient Christmas Artifact, this is probably it.

ANGEL

Alright...everyone, spread out and tackle a shelf. I don’t know how much ground we can cover this way, but it’s the only--

BRADIOS

Actually, my software update just finished. If you’ll all stand back and allow me to scan the library...

Everyone stood completely still as a brilliant green light erupted from Bradios’ facial scanner, reading the title of every single book in the gargantuan facility.

BRADIOS

It’s probably going to take a while to scan all the books, but it’ll definitely go quicker than searching by hand. When I isolate the titles that sound promising, someone head to that section and look through the book to see what you can find.

TIM

Can’t you use that scanner thingie to pinpoint the information in the book while you’re at it? Why do we need to search through them at all?

BRADIOS

I can’t scan for titles and articles at the same time. I’m not Google.

When you say it like that, this feels a lot less impressive.

BRADIOS

Okay, first match. Section G, Row 11. Title is Ridiculous Notions and Conspiracy Theories About IGNOLand That Are Actually True (Probably). Second match, Section J...

ANGEL

At least we’re making some headway. I hope the others are doing okay...

SG2

Alright...we made it.

SG2 was panting, out of breath from chasing the burrowing Walls across the frozen landscape.

SG2

So...cold...let’s go inside now. Now, okay? C’mon guys, c’mon...!!

The sun has already begun to set, the long and cold winter evening setting in. Racing to the North Pole on foot took more time than they had expected, and it was only getting colder by the moment.

HAMEL

No, SG2. We can’t just charge right in. We need to think of a plan and sneak in without alerting the guards.

???

I’m afraid there’ll be no need for that.

Everyone looked at each other, trying to figure out who spoke just now...before realizing it came from the rooftop. There stood a familiar-looking man, clad in green instead of the usual red...no, that wasn't it. There were other differences too. They realized immediately that they had come face-to-face with their latest enemy.

SG2

You must be--

CROSS

Cross? That is the name I was born with, yes. But you can call me Santa Claus now.

SG2

You’ll never be Santa Claus!!

SG2 shouted boldly and took a battle stance, preparing to leap up to the roof after the man before being restrained by a calm hand on her shoulder.

BONES

What is it that you want, Cross?! Why have you stolen the artifact?

CROSS

What else would I want? Christmas, of course!! I’m merely reclaiming my birthright and correcting a little mistake that was made in the past, that’s all.

What have you done with the real Santa Claus? You'd better answer, or else!!

LG unsheathed his legendary Gayblade, pointing it threateningly at the Claus wannabe.

CROSS

I’m dreadfully sorry, but I’m afraid an answer will have to wait. You see, I’ve got a very big sleigh ride planned tonight, and it’s about time I get going. Lots of ground to cover, you know. But I do feel right terrible turning guests away that came all this way to see me...so allow me to provide some company to keep you busy!!

With a snap of his fingers, dozens of twisted, elf-like creatures armed to the teeth with weapons appeared before Cross, leaping down from the roof to face the heroes below. With only 6 of them, they were greatly outnumbered, and quickly found themselves surrounded.

MTS

What are those?! Garden Gnomes? No, they look different, right? And they feel...stronger?!

Lawn Elves, looks like...and a lot of them.

REESE

Shit...looks like we’re not getting on that roof without a fight.

BONES

Fine by me. It’s been a while since I saw some action!! Hold onto this for me, would you?

With a confident cry, Bones removed his signature crown and tossed it to the fiery shadowy demon by his side. Then, with a beastial shout, he began to power up. His shirt is torn to shreds as a thick layer of green bone encases his entire body, decorated with a white, skeletal pattern. His eyes burned red beneath the pitch black eye holes in his skull-like face, capped off by a traditional pirate hat marked with a skull and crossbones. This was the Konungur's fearsome Bonezerker transformation...a form he only took in the most desperate of times due to the strain its immense power put on his body. Even so, its raw strength was enough to finish most conflicts before it could do any real damage to him.

BONES

Better get the fuck back, elves, because Olaf E. Bones has landed!!

SG2

Heh...well, when have I ever been one to back down from a fight? Let's do this!!

SG2 grinned in amusement before materializing a chainsaw seemingly out of thin air, revving the engine ferociously.

Following suit, LG readied his weapon and stood back-to-back with MTS, who cupped her ample breasts in both hands. Hamel and Reese partnered up as well, providing a fiery mix of long-range and melee attacks. But they were not alone. The Lawn Elves carried weapons of all kinds, for any situation. Front. Behind. Above. Possibly even below, buried beneath the snow. Every last one of them was poised and ready to draw first blood from the IGNOite crew...but their opponents remained undeterred.

SG2

Heh...now it’s a party!! C’mon!! I'll take every one of you on!!

SG2 charged ahead, chainsaw blazing and slicing through 3 ill-prepared lawn elves in a flash. Bones caught the flying head of one such unfortunate creature as it whizzed past, bowling it into another group as they charged towards him.

BONES

Strike, bitch!!

As he punched and bodychecked his way through the crowd, Hamel bashed away with her flaming violin, sending those who didn’t get immediate concussions running screaming as their bodies were engulfed with flame. Reese, too, shot fireballs left and right, chanting various incantations from his trusty spellbook.

LG’s blade radiated light to mow down the elves before him with ease, his mighty weapon the last gift bestowed upon him by his Great Gayfather. By his side, MTS slammed her tremendous breasts together repeatedly, generating incredible shockwaves to blast away the crowd as she materialized her shadowy sword, The Night Bane.

This brilliant array of teamwork was far too much for the Lawn Elves to handle - it was clear that they were hastily cobbled together at the last minute, nowhere near prepared to take on the force of even half the IGNOites!! However, their numbers were far greater...and it seemed that no matter how many the heroes cut down, more would simply step up to take their place. It was then that they realized this force wasn't meant to defeat them - it was merely a distraction to buy time for the fleeing figure on the workshop roof.

MTS

We don’t have time to mess around here forever!! Cross is going to get away!!

SG2

Like Hell he is!!

SG2 screamed in fury, struggling to overcome the hordes of similarly-sized creatures sweeping over her.

CROSS

Well, it’s been fun, but if you’ll excuse me...I’ve got a sleigh to catch. I’ve got centuries worth of misery to give back to the people of this world, so I’d better be on my way!! Tata, all!!

SG2

Dammit...we need to break through this crowd...!!

I don’t think we’ll make it, SG2...ngh!!

Elves were now piling on top of each other and pushing against the IGNOites, gradually wearing them down.

SG2

“LIKE...HELL...WE WOOOOOOOOOOOON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SG2 refused to give in - it wasn't over until it was over!! But it wasn't enough. By now the elves' numbers were so great that it was all they could do just to maintain a foothold - let alone press forward. By now, Cross had made it to the sleigh...and was ready to depart. It seemed like it was over, after all.

REESE

We can’t let it end here. Everyone, concentrate your attacks on the elves surrounding SG2...we’ll create an opening!! It’ll be up to you to get on the roof after that!!

SG2 nodded - if there was anyone that could get to that roof before all was lost, it was her.

SG2 jumped at the exact moment Hamel tossed a hairspray bomb at the elves beneath her feet - just enough for a second's worth of crowd control. Taking advantage of the distraction, fireballs and shockwaves pelted down the remaining defense, creating just enough of an opening for SG2 to break through to the workshop roof. Wasting no time, she climbed the walls of the building furiously, digging teeth and claws in, all the while fighting against the elves grabbing at her feet from below. From above, the sniper elves fired bullets and arrows into the small tiger, but she remained undeterred, climbing up the building for dear life. She was going to make it...!!

Just as SG2 grasped the edge of the roof, her hand was stomped under the pointy-toed shoe of an elf, determined to make her lose her grip and fall as his comrades formed up around him...but the remaining elves on the roof were struck down by a rain of fire!! In the split second the elf turned his head to see what had happened, SG2 swept him aside with a tail swipe as she scrambled to the top. Finally she stood on the roof, feet planted firmly...and leapt into the air just as the sleigh passed by overhead, managing to grab hold of one of the runners.

SG2

I WON’T LET YOU GET AWAY!!

Her body was full of flint and lead, and it was all she could do just to keep from passing out. Still, she endured the pain and held on for dear life...if they failed now, Christmas would be doomed...!!

SG2

YOU GUYS...QUICKLY!!!!!

The remaining forces on the ground below finally managed to bust through the wall of Lawn Elves, rappelling up the workshop by way of Konungur Bones’ lightning tether. Hamel is just barely able to grab onto SG2’s tail, causing the tiger to yelp in pain. Bones reverts to his normal form to reduce the weight somewhat as he grabs onto Hamel's scarf, while Reese holds tight to his cape. MTS clings tightly to the back of the mage’s longcoat and LG holds tight to the tail of her dress, forming an awkward chain hitched to the back of the rapidly escaping sleigh.

MTS

LG!! Let go, you pervert!!

Bitch, please, I'm too gay for you. I don’t wanna see that mess.

MTS

Still, d-don’t lift my dress...it’s c-c-cold...!!

REESE

We’ve got bigger problems right now!! We need to get into that sleigh, before we all fall to our deaths!! MTS...can you swing LG up there? If he can grab onto the sleigh and pull himself up, he can help the rest of us!!

MTS

Why me? SG2’s already holding onto the sleigh!!

REESE

SG2 is already bearing all of our weight!! It has to be you!!

MTS

Alright...I’ll give it a try. Get ready, LG...!!

MTS closed her eyes, focusing all her efforts into swinging her body without losing her grip. If she could only generate enough momentum for LG to reach the top...

MTS

...alright...now!! Let go!!

At her signal, LG released his grip on MTS’ dress at just the right moment, flying straight up into the air. After a few moments of awkwardly ‘swimming’ through the sky, LG managed to grab hold of the sleigh’s side and pull himself up.

Alright, I did it!! Now it’s your turn, MTS!!

MTS

I don’t know...I’m not sure I can do it...

I’ll catch you!! I promise!!

MTS

I don’t know, LG...I don’t think I ca--

Do you trust me?!

MTS

.........nngh!!

Swinging herself once more, this time it was MTS who released her grip and let her body fly through the air. She grabbed hold of the Gaylian's outstretched hand just in time, pulling herself up onto the sleigh and lessening the strain on the tiger even more. One by one, the others followed - and by the time Cross had even noticed the goings-on through the sound of rushing wind, they had all made it to the top.

CROSS

What?! How the Hell did you get up here?! Well, it doesn’t matter...you’re not staying!! Reindeer!!

At his command, the reindeer pulling the sleigh began to zig and zag through the evening sky, trying to launch the would-be heroes off the sleigh. Cross, of course, was kept safely in place because he was smart enough to be wearing his seat belt, and knows better than to text while flying. Unfortunately for the IGNOites, managing to stand upright on a magic sleigh zooming through the sky at unimaginable speeds was somehow more difficult than getting there in the first place. The IGNOites were flung forward before long, crashing into the reindeer in a heap.

SG2

Heh...your plan backfired!! How are your reindeer gonna fly while--WHOA!!

SG2's words were cut short as she found herself tossed to and fro on the antlers of a very angry reindeer, bucking like a rodeo bull. What's more, the sleigh's trajectory didn't seem to be suffering in the least from this distraction...

CROSS

Oh, did I forget to mention? I used Pixie Dust on the reindeer this year. I thought they might enjoy a change of pace from that tame Piski stuff!!

HAMEL

Pixie Dust? What does that mean?

BONES

The Pixies are dark fae, while the Piskis are light...Santa usually uses the Piski Dust to make the reindeer fly, but apparently Cross decided to turn them evil...!!

SG2

Great, like we haven’t been through ENOUGH!!

Resigned, SG2 plunged her chainsaw into the head of the reindeer below, ending its mad dance once and for all. With one less steed to pull it, the sleigh finally began to swerve somewhat against Cross’ control. Finally, the IGNOites realized it - if they wanted to put a stop to this sleigh ride from Hell, violence was the only answer!!

Cross was too busy trying to regain control of the reigns to do anything as the IGNOites butchered seven reindeer, one after the other. Finally, with nothing left to sustain its flight, the sleigh began to spiral downward, with Cross and the IGNOites still on board...

Back at the library, the Tracking Team had found themselves in their own peril, dashing through the lengthy halls as if outrunning some horrific beast.

TIM

I don't think that was the right book!!

How was I supposed to know some of the books were booby-trapped? ...heh, booby.

The loud rumbling of a gigantic boulder rebounded through the bookcase-lined corridor as it chased after the hapless Tracking Team...at least, those of them without wings.

BRADIOS

Hey, that’s not fair!! At least get down here and run with us!!

ANGEL

We’ve got our work cut out for us up here too, you know!!

Angel and Katie hovered just out of reach of the boulder, but whoever designed these twisted traps must have accounted for that possibility as well, as arrows and spears rained down from the absurdly high ceiling. It was like a scene straight out of an adventure movie. Finally, Katie managed to find a switch hidden behind a suspicious-looking book, opening a secret door behind the wall. The team quickly ducked inside just in time as the boulder crashed through the place they had stood a moment ago, smashing through bookshelves before eventually losing its momentum and stopping.

Unfortunately, there's little time to breathe a sigh of relief. Without warning, the door slams shut behind them...and the walls begin to move inward.

BRADIOS

Oh, great...so we managed to escape being crushed to death just so we could be crushed to death. Brilliant!! What kind of a nutjob designed this place?!

PWR

I think that pretty much cements this as Cross’ doing. He wanted to make sure no one else could discover the secrets he learned and get out alive...

TIM

Wait...that’s it! For us to be setting off these traps, we must be getting close to the answer!!

BRADIOS

Great, I’m glad to know we found the secret to saving Christmas right before we’re smashed into paste!!

ANGEL

Hey, geniuses, instead of bickering about how we’re gonna die, how about doing something about it? We need to work together if we’re gonna get out of here!! Search the room!! There has to be something in here!! After all, we got in through a secret passage in the wall...there must be one that leads out, too!!

You mean like this?

xL points to a very obvious enclave with a switch on the wall - unfortunately, the surrounding wall has already moved so far in that the switch is no longer reachable.

TIM

Bradios, don't you have anything that can shoot that switch or something?!

BRADIOS

Not with me!! I didn't have room to bring my combat attachments and my tracking essentials!!

PWR

Hang on...I've got an idea, but we need to move fast!!

With that, PWR runs to the corner of the room and crouches down. After a moment of seemingly struggling with something, she returns with a pickaxe.

PWR

We can use this to chisel a bigger hole. Which one of us is the strongest?! We need to hurry!!

BRADIOS

Uh...PWR? Where did you get that...?

PWR

I used my powers to shit it out!! Now come on, we're running out of time!!

It seemed that imminent death was suddenly more appealing to everyone in the room than the idea of touching a tool created by PWR's 'unique' abilities, as no one said a word. Finally, xL snatched the pickaxe from her hand.

You guys are such big babies. It's only a little poop.

Swinging with all his might, xL managed to carve enough of a hole in the wall to fit a fist through while the others struggled to hold back the rapidly-encroaching walls. Pressing the switch, the walls stopped moving, and a hole opened up in the ceiling above.

TIM

Wow...I can't believe you did that...

Of course. Nobody drills a glory hole like me!! Now come on!!

xL tossed a length of rope to Angel, who flew above and secured it.

ANGEL

Everyone start climbing!! I'll help pull you through!!

One by one, the IGNOites shimmied up the rope to the room above. It was surprisingly small compared to the rest of the library so far...and there, on a marble altar lit by candlelight, was a single, massive book.

PWR

I'm guessing that book is probably the key.

PWR opened the book...and suddenly, the room was engulfed in a blinding blue glow. What lay inside the covers was not a bunch of pages, but what appeared to be some sort of magical portal.

KRAMPUS

This must be it...the portal Cross used to travel through dimensions. Using it, we should be able to find the Realm of the Ancients, where Cross obtained the relic...and where he must have imprisoned the real Santa Claus.

ANGEL

What makes you think the real Santa's in there?

KRAMPUS

I can sense his presence more strongly than before. Whatever dimension he's in, we should be able to reach it through here. Come, quickly - we haven't much time.

BRADIOS

H-hang on, are we sure that's even safe?!

KRAMPUS

Oh, certainly not. But neither is wasting time here while Cross rampages around outside, is it?

ANGEL

...he's right. There's no turning back anymore - literally, even. This is the only lead we have.

PWR

Alright...here goes nothing, then. W-whoa, huh?!

Just as PWR had prepared to step through the portal in front of her...the moment her hands released the book, the covers slammed shut, returning the portal with it. PWR fell flat on her face with a thud.

PWR

Ow...what...happened? I just set the book down on the altar, but...

The book was large and heavy enough that setting it down should have kept it open just fine. Yet, it was almost as though the book had closed on purpose in response...

KATIE

It's a magic book, right? It's probably some sort of self-defense mechanism to protect the portal.

PWR

Yeah, but it worked fine when I just picked it up and opened it, right? Wait...that means...

TIM

One of us...has to stay behind...?

Everyone turned to face Krampus, who was now grinning fiendishly.

ANGEL

...you knew.

KRAMPUS

Oh no, not at all. I was being completely honest. When we entered this library, I only knew as much about this as the rest of you.

KATIE

Then...

KRAMPUS

While the rest of you were busy trusting the cyborg's scanning device to guide you forward, I was carefully observing our surroundings. All the trap triggers were set up along a very specific path...the path to this room. It would be a waste of time to set traps in places where there was nothing of value to guard, after all...

BRADIOS

So you knew that there'd probably be a final trap in this room too...

KRAMPUS

Another thing the rest of you surely overlooked...is that all the paths thus far have been one-way. It's all been carefully designed to prevent anyone who made it this far from returning with the secrets they've learned here...and I imagine this portal is no different.

KATIE

So you think that as soon as we go through this portal...

ANGEL

...it will close behind us, trapping the person holding the book on this side.

KRAMPUS

I can't say for certain, of course. But I would expect nothing less. Now, make your choice - who among you is the most expendable teammate? The least likely to contribute? The stupidest? The most unlikeable? The criteria are entirely up to you, of course. Oh, but do hurry - we're on a time limit, after all!! Hahahaha!!

BRADIOS

You bastard...you're enjoying this...!!!

KRAMPUS

To be honest, I expected at least someone to die before we got this far. Once again I've underestimated your abilities. Well done!!

The Krampus clapped sarcastically, but the IGNOites were unamused. From the very start of this partnership, he was hoping to kill two birds with one stone and eliminate a few of his enemies in the process. It wasn't surprising, really, but the reality of the situation still stung. But he wasn't wrong...the only way ahead was through that portal, and that meant leaving someone behind...!!

PWR

And what if we choose to leave you behind, huh?

KRAMPUS

I think you’ve forgotten the whole reason I’m here. Without me, you’ll never find Santa Claus, and Christmas will be plunged into eternal darkness...are you willing to risk that?

BRADIOS

...shit...but then...how can we choose...?

The Krampus grinned slyly as he watched the seeds of discord take root amongst the group. Eyes darting about the room, mentally judging their peers on their merits and flaws...beads of sweat dripping from the foreheads of the most insecure, worried that they'll be the one picked to stay...fists clenched in determination, eager to throw one of their own to the wolves. Krampus knew - this was the darkness lurking within their hearts. Even if they'd claim they would never abandon a friend, such ideals are naïve. When faced with a life or death situation, anyone would--

TIM

Wait, I know what we can do!!

KRAMPUS

Say what now?

Just then, Tim whipped his new pocked-sized iClone device from under his robe and flashed a smile.

TIM

We can just have one of my clones stay behind and hold the book. That way we won't need to abandon anyone, right?

BRADIOS

Oh yeah, good thinking!!

ANGEL

Nice job, Tim!!

KRAMPUS

Ah...of course, you could just...do that, I suppose...

The device flashed in Tim's hand as a beam shot out and scanned his body, then generated a matching hologram on the screen. A few button presses to confirm, and bam - an exact clone of Tim materialized in front of the group.

TIM

Alright, Clone. Open that book, and no matter what happens, stay here and hold it open.

CLONE

Understood.

Tim's clone grabbed the book in both hands and held it open, allowing all the IGNOites and the Krampus to step through the portal unimpeded. Surely, there would be dangers awaiting them on the other side...but as long as they remained together, they were confident there was no challenge they couldn't overcome. Krampus grit his teeth and plodded along behind the rest, none too enthused that his scheming failed once again to eliminate even a single one of them.

But no matter. His true goal still lay ahead...

Though it took some of the Tracking Team a few minutes to adjust to the aftereffects of dimensional travel, they all managed to arrive safely through the portal to the other side. There was no way to know for sure if this was the so-called 'Realm of the Ancients' where Cross had found the artifact, but one thing was certain - Santa Claus was here, Krampus insisted. Though the IGNOites were still wary of a possible deception, Krampus alone ran ahead of them, seemingly latched onto Santa's signal like a bloodhound...and so, they reluctantly followed.

Sure enough, there he was - but it was no time to celebrate just yet, as they found him bound, gagged, and sitting atop what appeared to be a sacrificial altar!!

ALL

SANTA!!!!!

The IGNOites ran to Santa's side and quickly unbound him, allowing him to stand on his own two feet once more.

SANTA

Phew!! Thank goodness you found me when you did!! Considering you made it all this way, am I to assume you’ve already encountered Cross?

ANGEL

Well, not us, specifically, but we’re...aware of him. In any case, we need to get you out of here and back to IGNOLand quickly, before Cross ruins Christmas forever!!

SANTA

I know. And if that relic is still in his possession when the clock strikes midnight and it’s officially Christmas Day...then all will be lost. He will officially take my place as the Santa Claus, and I will crumble to dust...

BRADIOS

We won’t let that happen, Santa. Now come on, we have to hurry!!

Bradios motioned for Santa to follow. Santa starts after, before pausing to address the green demon.

SANTA

I have to admit, you’re the last person I would have expected to come here and save me...or is it that you can’t stand the thought of someone other than yourself destroying Christmas?

KRAMPUS

Hmph. Something like that, anyway.

ANGEL

Okay, can we save the chit-chat for later? We’d better hurry and get out of here before--

???

I AM AFRAID THAT NONE OF YOU WILL BE LEAVING THIS PLACE ALIVE.

ANGEL

...something like that happens...

Suddenly, a group of humanoids in business suits emerge from the bushes, surrounding Santa and the IGNOites. One of them, wearing a slightly different suit from the others in a way that made him look like the boss, adjusted his glasses and stepped forward.

BOSS

WE ARE THE KEEPERS OF THE HISTORY. WE ARE CHARGED WITH THE SAFEKEEPING OF DANGEROUS ARTIFACTS, TOMES, AND EVEN BEINGS THAT MAY POSE THREAT TO IGNOLAND, IF NOT THE WORLD AT LARGE, SHOULD THEY BE ALLOWED TO FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS.

KATIE

...Yeah, we're kinda in a hurry to go save the very same IGNOLand from one of those, so if you don't mind--

BOSS

I'M AFRAID WE CANNOT ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE THIS PLACE WITH SOMETHING SO DANGEROUS. FOR YOUR ATTEMPTED CRIMES, AND FOR TRESPASSING IN THIS SACRED REALM, YOU SHALL ALL BE PUT TO DEATH!!

TIM

What's this guy talking about?! Cross has the artifact, not us!!

PWR

Ugh, whatever!!! Boulders, arrow traps, crushing walls...we made it through all the traps so far, like Hell we're gonna let some nerdy librarians stop us now!!

As if in response to PWR, the businessmen suddenly pulled assault rifles out of their briefcases in a smooth, simultaneous movement, now lined up like a firing squad aimed directly at the IGNOites.

PWR

Uh, did I say nerdy? I meant hot. Sexy, sexy librarians.

BOSS

THOSE WHO WISH A SWIFT AND PAINLESS DEATH, SPEAK YOUR LAST WORDS NOW AND BE AT PEACE.

ANGEL

Dammit...not like this...

KATIE

We've come too far now to just let it all end here. If we're going to go down, we're not gonna do it without a fight...c'mon, guys!!

Katie rose her fist into the air with a battle cry as she leapt onto the back of her faithful husband-slash-steed and took to the sky. And not a second too late, as the tree she was just standing in front of was now riddled with bullet holes...and with a loud crunch, snapped in half and fell to the ground, the crumbled into charcoal. The other IGNOites were noticeably frightened by this display of power...but Katie was right. They couldn't just let it all end here...!!

BRADIOS

Heh...it's not the first Christmas pinch we've been in. Besides, I'm not gonna let anyone ruin MY Christmas - not when I'm expecting that sweet, sweet new software under my tree!!

As Von Goatly zig-zagged through the sky dodging the hailstorm of bullets, Bradios took advantage of the history keepers' single-target focus to unleash a fury of electric bolts from his plasma gun. One managed to score a direct hit on one of the keepers, which Von Goatly finished off with a dropkick to the back of the head.

Whoa, Brad, watch where you're shooting that thing!! I'd much rather get showered by your other gun instead!!

After flashing a flirty grin at Bradios, xL's face went uncharacteristically serious as he flipped up his arm prosthetic. Then, plugging in his signature arm cannon The Toasterizer, xL popped two slices of bread inside and charged it up with tremendous heat!!

TASTE MY HOT-BUTTERED FURY!!!!!!!

Angel sighed, looking on as the others fought with all their might.

ANGEL

We've done this countless times before...and we'll keep on doing it, for as long as Christmas needs us!!

She smiled confidently, materializing her bow of light and taking flight high into the sky on her magnificent wings.

ANGEL

I've come a long way since the days of old, you know. Don't underestimate me!!

With a fierce yell, Angel drew back the ethereal bowstring and launched a storm of brilliant light arrows from the sky above, raining down below onto the hapless keepers. Two were pierced fatally and fell forward onto the ground with a thud.

PWR

I may be new to this whole 'saving Christmas' thing...but that doesn't mean I'm about to let these guys show me up, either!! Go, my razorblade-shitting crows, destroy them!!

PWR raised her leg up high into the air, a flock of jet-black crows seemingly taking flight from her crotch and swarming the remaining history keepers. In the fury of pecking and flapping, they dropped their weapons and began to run frantically in circles hoping the shake the birds...but they would have no such luck as the deluge of razorblades began to pour down on them from above!!

TIM

New to saving Christmas, huh? That goes double for me!!

Tim pulled out his iClone device once more, which glowed as it scanned his DNA. In an instant, an exact clone of Tim materialized beside the first...then another, and another!!

CLONE 1

Make that triple.

CLONE 2

Quadruple!!

CLONE 3

Quintuple!!!

In less than a minute, a whole battalion of Tims had sprung up to match the remaining keepers that surrounded them, all of them firing their lightning-charged shepherd crooks at the enemy at once!! More keepers quickly fell to their awesome might!!

TIM

Yes!!

BRADIOS

Don't celebrate just yet...look.

Sure enough...though the IGNOites had seemed to be winning, every keeper they'd struck down so far began to rise to their feet once more, seemingly no worse for wear. It was only natural...if they could be defeated THAT easily, they wouldn't be qualified to protect this realm from those who'd threaten it. How powerful, then, must Cross have been, to be able to best them and make off with the relic...?

KATIE

Dammit...this isn't working!! They're too strong!!

Just then, a keeper managed to grab hold of Von Goatly's horns and fling both him and his rider off into the distance, sending them crashing through several trees along the way.

BRADIOS

It doesn't even matter if we disarm them...they're still masters of hand-to-hand combat...!!

Bradios punched and kicked keeper after keeper away, but they only dodged his blows and struck back with full force.

BRADIOS

Just because we're not the Offense Team...don't...underestimate me...!!

Bradios' shoulders opened up to reveal the hidden plasma cannons beneath, charging up and ready to fire.

TIM

Brad, no...!! Your energy is already running low...that'll drain you dry!!

BRADIOS

Tch...!!

Bradios stopped short at Tim's words - a slight distraction but just enough for a keeper to get the better of him and send him tumbling to the ground. Though he didn't have stamina in the same sense as a living being, his internal battery would only keep him going for so long without a recharge, and he'd already expended so much energy...Tim understood that if he were to pour the last of his reserves into his cannon shot, he'd power down and not wake up for a long time.

PWR

Still...none of us have the stamina to outlast them when they just keep shaking off all our attacks!! At this rate, we'll never get out of here with Santa on--

PWR's words were cut short as suddenly...Santa Claus came rushing by, barreling through the crowds of history keepers like a bowling ball nailing a strike. No, it wasn't Santa alone...but Krampus, carrying Santa over his shoulder and charging the keepers with all his might!! The keepers were knocked back in waves, but it wouldn't last - some were already struggling back to their feet. But Krampus was undeterred, continuing his full-speed charge straight ahead!!

TIM

That direction is...wait, could he be trying to make a break for the portal?!

ANGEL

That bastard...he's trying to escape with Santa alone and leave us all behind here!!

The keepers would be back on their feet within seconds - this was their one and only chance to chase after him!! Without wasting an instant the IGNOites took off in the same direction, hoping to stop the festive fiend's betrayal before it was too late!!

ANGEL

KRAMPUUUUUS!!!!!!

An arrow of light whizzed past Krampus' face...but it was too late. Without so much as flinching or looking back, Krampus leapt through the portal to the other side, Santa Claus over his shoulder.

KATIE

Tch...it's not too late, if we just follow after him--

KEEPER

DEFILERS OF HISTORY MUST NOT...LEAVE THIS REALM...AT ANY COST...

KEEPER

SANTA CLAUS...MUST NOT BE ALLOWED...

Before they IGNOites could reach the portal to pursue the fleeing Krampus, the iron grip of the keepers' hands wrapped around their legs. Most of them were beaten, ragged, and struggling to stand...but that didn't mean they couldn't drag their victims to their own level.

And even if they broke free, it was already too late...the portal was now surrounded on all sides by the remaining armed keepers, pointing their weapons at the IGNOites.

Keepers in front. Keepers behind. Yet Krampus, and still Cross, lay beyond.

PWR

Is there anything we can even do...?

BRADIOS

...yeah. We fight. No matter how long.

You said it. I'm always up for a long, hard pounding.

xL gripped the gun on his wrist, a serious look on his face in spite of his words. He nodded to Bradios, who nodded to the others in turn.

KATIE

Yeah...no matter how many of them there are, if we all attack simultaneously...

ANGEL

Even if it's only for a few seconds...

TIM

We just need to buy enough time...for one of us to get through.

The IGNOites knew that the chances of them taking down the keepers, at this point, were slim indeed. But if even one of them could make a break for the portal while the keepers were occupied, they could chase after Krampus, rescue Santa, and get back to help the others.

ANGEL

Sorry, guys...looks like we'll be a little late, after all.

As Angel whispered an apology to the Offense Team, everyone took aim at once.........

Deep in barren reaches of the frozen landscape, in the midst of the raging blizzard...lay what remained of Santa’s stolen sleigh after the crash landing engineered by SG2 and the rest of the Offense Team. Lying in a heap of broken, twisted metal and splintered wood were 8 bloodied and mangled reindeer, a small tiger shot full of arrows, a shirtless Nord, a tattered shadow demon, a severely-bruised Gaylian, a banged-up kitsune, an elf princess whose boobs cushioned most of the blow...and a very scraggly, very angry green-suited man, struggling to pull himself back to his feet.

CROSS

You...dirty...rotten...meddling...kiddddddsssss...

Cross growled, looking upon the wreckage strewn across the ice.

CROSS

Centuries upon centuries of lying in wait...studying, listening in on the deepest, darkest secrets hidden within IGNOLand...planning my move down to the very last detail...stealing the Christmas Artifact, and finally reclaiming my birthright, my destiny, in becoming Santa Claus...everything, everything was leading up to this moment, and you still managed to make it all go up in flames!!

With a furious roar, Cross thrust out his arms, suddenly engulfing the area surrounding them all in a ring of red and green flame. The ruined sleigh and reindeer corpses slowly began to burn up in the holiday heat as the IGNOites looked on nervously.

CROSS

But I’m not finished with you yet. Ooooh no. I will become Santa Claus, and I will turn Christmas into a dark and unholy day...as revenge for having my entire life stolen away by my miserable brother...and you, his unwitting little puppets!!!!

With a mad, devilish grin, Cross removed his hat and threw it to the ground. And there, atop his head, was a small, Christmas-tree shaped figure of glowing silver and gold, adorned with precious ornament-like gems.

MTS

That's...!!

BONES

The Christmas artifact...

Cross grasped the figure in his hands and began to laugh - slowly, softly, in a voice drenched in madness. His eyes widened, pupils disappearing...body convulsing, beard fraying, hair standing on end. His muscle mass increased tenfold as his body itself began to grow taller and taller...until he reached enormous size. A red and green aura surged around him, crackling bolts of white lightning dancing inside it.

CROSS

HU HU HU...

Finally, like the finishing cherry atop a Christmas cake, the artifact floated up into the air...and came to rest, embedded in the center of the now-massive Cross' forehead.

SG2

Nnnh...rough landing...huh?!

SG2, who had been knocked out after the sleigh crash, finally came to, rubbing her eyes to make sure she wasn't still dreaming.

SG2

That's...wait a minute, is that thing Cross?!

REESE

Yeah...he's grown gigantic, just like Krampus always got at the peak of his power.

BONES

It must be an effect of absorbing so much Christmas Magic in such a short amount of time. Santa only takes it in gradually over the course of the year, so he's not affected...but Cross is drunk off his newfound power. He'll keep drawing the energy into himself until there's nothing left...

If that happens, Santa won't be able to deliver the presents...

LG spoke seriously, but neither he nor MTS could take their eyes off Bones' bare chest, glistening in the moonlight.

HAMEL

And here we thought just preventing Cross' flight would be enough...

Just then, an immense gust of wind kicked up, battering the IGNOites with full force. But this was more than the Ice Plains' usual blizzards...this was the intensity of Cross' newfound power!!

HAMEL

Gh...as long as Cross has that idol, he's going to be unstoppable...we need to get it away from him!!

REESE

Easier said than...done...!!

The wind was pushing the IGNOites steadily back, toward the ring of festive flames. Getting close enough to Cross was going to be difficult enough, let alone fighting him in this state...

Our only hope is to fight him long enough to distract him and buy time for someone to wrestle that relic away from him...

SG2

Yeah, yeah...I know. It's gotta be me, right? Sheesh...as if I haven't done enough climbing for one day...

BONES

It's our best bet. You're the smallest, so he's less likely to notice you. We'll do our best to hold him off while you find a way up there...think you can handle it?

Bones looked down at the tiger. He understood that this kind of pressure was nothing new to her, as their Christmas adventures always seemed to wind up like this. As her king, he could have simply ordered her to do it...but as her friend, he needed it to be her own decision. If for whatever reason she didn't feel up to the task, they could revise the plan and think of another option.

SG2

Heh...you, worry about me? Now that's a change of pace. ...Yeah, I can handle it. Leave it to me. And good luck keeping him busy.

BONES

Good luck to you as well.

SG2

There you go worrying again...you know me, Bones. I make my own luck!!

After flashing a confident grin, SG2 dashed off, fighting against the fearsome wind emanating from Cross' body. All she had to do was climb...up a dangerous, furious monster who could crush her in the palm of his massive hand...and somehow inconspicuously rip a glowing artifact out of his forehead and get away safely. Piece of cake...probably.

Meanwhile, Bones and the others faced Cross, adopting battle stances and readying their weapons. They just had to keep him busy long enough for SG2 to reach the top...and not die in the process.

BONES

Follow my lead, everyone. This is for Christmas!!!!!

With a rallying cry, Bones unleashed his power and the familiar shell of green bone armor formed around his body. His famed battle axe Beinskerandi split in two, flames engulfing both as he ran forward and lead the charge. LG, MTS, Hamel and Reese were quick to follow, spreading their formation to surround the false Claus from all sides.

CROSS

HU HU HU!!!!!! DID YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT TACTIC WOULD WORK ON ME? I SEE...YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE I'VE GOTTEN BIGGER, MY BRAINS HAVE DISAPPEARED, DON'T YOU? ALLOW ME TO PROVE YOU WRONG!!!!!

Cross raised his foot high, as though to stomp on the IGNOites below him...only to feint, pulling back and leaping into the air. SG2, who had just barely managed to reach his knee, clung desperately to avoid falling to her doom...only for Cross to slam his knee full-force into the ground as he landed, crushing SG2 in the process.

SG2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The gaylian began to dash to his tiger friend's rescue, but Bones knocked him aside - and not a second too soon, as Cross' foot swept through where he'd been standing an instant earlier. But there was no time to relax - before Bones could even regain his balance, a mammoth fist came crashing down and pummeled him into the snow.

CROSS

OH, DID I FORGET TO MENTION? I MAY BE BIGGER, BUT I'M JUST AS FAST AS EVER!!

Hamel, seeing an opening, unleashed several gigantic fireballs directly at Cross' head!! ...Unfortunately, they all bounced harmlessly off Cross' aura, reflecting back and hitting the other IGNOites. Grinning, Hamel reabsorbed the flames and used them to charge up her own power, but that cockiness was short-lived as Cross bent downward, suddenly face-to-face with the shadowy demon.

CROSS

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breathing in deeply, Cross exhaled a blizzard directly into Hamel's face...ferocious enough to snuff out her flame entirely.

MTS

D-dammit...is there any way to stop him...?

MTS grit her teeth as she pulled herself back on her feet. The flame had managed to burn through her clothes conveniently in the bust area...but this was nothing but a boon to her boundless bosom!! It took all the fortitude she had to ignore the biting cold, but MTS grabbed hold of her tremendous tatas and took aim, pure Light energy radiating from her nipples and surrounding her naked breasts. This was a level of power she could only achieve in such a state, her magnanimous mammaries literally unbound from the confines of a brassiere!!

MTS

Never underestimate...the power of an elven woman's breasts...!!

Shockwaves of unprecedented power radiated forth as she crashed her titanic titties together, with enough force to extinguish the ring of flames surrounding them. Cross took the brunt of this attack head-on...but it wasn't even enough to make him stumble, let alone fall. Exhausted of her elven energy, MTS could only stagger backwards in disbelief.

MTS

Im...impossible...that was my...full power...

CROSS

SORRY, MY DEAR...

Cross stretched out his hand, firing a candy cane-striped beam from the tip of his finger straight into the chest of the terrified MTS. Spitting blood, she wobbled for a moment...and then collapsed face-first in the snow.

CROSS

...BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN MORE OF AN ASS MAN!! HU HU HU HU HU!!!!!!!!!!!!

MTS, no...!! Her tits probably stopped it from piercing her heart, but...damn you, damn you...!! You'll pay for this, you bastard!!

LG screamed, extending his light blade to pole vault himself high into the night sky. Before he had a chance to bring the sword down and cleave the artifact straight from the giant's skull, however, Cross reached out and grabbed hold of it - suspending the gaylian in midair.

H-how can you grab my gayblade...it's made of pure Light!!!!!

CROSS

FOOLISH BOY...I'VE ABSORBED SO MUCH RAW ENERGY THAT NO AMOUNT OF ELEMENTAL FORCE IS BEYOND MY GRASP!!!!!! HUUUU HU HU HU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cross spun around rapidly in a circle before releasing his grip on the blade, sending LG flying far, far off into the distance. Surely the idea of even someone as strong as LG surviving a fall like that unscathed...was wishful thinking.

At this point there was only a single IGNOite from the Offense Team left standing - Reese. However, he had been standing on the back lines the entire time, slowly charging up his most powerful spells.

Hamel, MTS and LG had all proven that mere elemental energy wasn't enough to break through the intense aura emanating from the artifact...but magic was capable of harnessing powers beyond that of simple element manipulation. Reese happened to be a practitioner of one such school of magic...the lost, and some would say forbidden art of Typomancy.

REESE

Guess it's all up to me now...

Reese's ancient grimoire, the Typonomicon, floated above his head as he began to chant a long-forgotten Misspell - a particularly potent Typomantic art. Bit by bit, an illusory canon began to form in front of him, aimed at Cross' chest. If he pulled this off it should be enough to pierce his heart directly...and so Reese poured every last ounce of his power into the book, knowing this was their final hope!!

REESE

Okewas Axcuse My Tyois...UNDERSTANS=F HAPH OUR!! ASS LEAP SCHOOL OF HARD KOCKS, HOT DONG QUZAY FOOJPAFIA, WWWRYBIDY WHA6EGER!! KOK EIFHR NONOIPOKY, TIUPOSE DCKSUSS GHORST, JSEEICAKLS BREALDFAST JJ XPP;!! C0ICKING DHAST, HAMBURGER CREAM, SHIRTSTORM TASTEMENT CONFRUDES...VLADENTINES GARIRL NORICEINF, CREAPT BOYGRIND, EX!_5)6 YOU MURDERY MISTEEEEER!!

A concentrated beam of misspelled words shot like a bolt of lightning out of the spectral cannon, hurtling directly towards Cross...only for him to stop it in its tracks against his outstretched palm.

CROSS

FOOLISH FOX. I'VE SPENT UNTOLD CENTURIES TRAPPED INSIDE AN ENDLESS, INFINITE LIBRARY. AND INSIDE THE INFINITE BOOKS OF THAT INFINITE LIBRARY...SURELY, THERE ARE INFINITE TYPOS. IF YOU THOUGHT A MERE SAMPLING OF MISPELLED WORDS WOULD BE ENOUGH TO STOP ME, YOU WERE SORELY MISTAKEN.

With a loud POP, the cloud of words gathered in front of Cross' hand burst into nothingness. Reese's ultimate attack...the final hope of all the IGNOites...couldn't even scratch him.

Completely drained of all energy, the red-headed kitsune crumpled and fell, just like the others.

CROSS

HU HU HU HU HU!!!!!!!!! IS THAT IT?! IS THAT TRULY THE BEST YOU COULD OFFER? YOU, MY BROTHER'S MIGHTIEST PAWNS...I WAS HOPING I MIGHT AT LEAST GET A CHALLENGE!!

Cross stomped across the snowy battlefield, looking at each and every one of the fallen IGNOites. Surely, this is the part where the overconfident gloating villain would lower his guard...and allow for the heroes to make a miraculous comeback to achieve victory...!!

SG2

D-dammit...it can't end this way...no matter how grim it looks...every year we...manage in the end...t-to...

CROSS

OH WELL. I GUESS I'LL GO ENTERTAIN MYSELF BY MAKING THE REST OF THE WORLD SUFFER IN THE WAKE OF MY NEW, DARK CHRISTMAS......BUT I SUPPOSE IT WOULD BE RATHER FOOLISH OF ME TO JUST WALK AWAY NOW AND LEAVE YOU ALL AMBIGUOUSLY DEFEATED, WOULDN'T IT?

A twisted grin flashed across Cross' face as he began charging at full speed...directly towards SG2's broken body!!

SG2

I have to...get up...I'm the only one who...can save...!!

The tiger uttered weakly to herself as she tried to regain her footing...but it was no use. Her body had already been loaded full of bullets and arrows, then trampled, flung from the sky, and mercilessly crushed.

...but isn't this how it always was? When things looked their darkest, in the past...wasn't that always the time when SG2 found her inner strength and Christmas Spirit, rising and defeating the villain, against all odds?!

So surely...surely she had to get to her feet. Surely...!!

With a burst of energy, SG2 managed to stand...an aura of her own radiating around her small form. Then, she threw her head back and roared with all her might into the night sky.

SG2

I...HAVE TO SAVE...CHRISTMAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time seemed to slow down for some reason. The snowflakes swiftly dancing through the sky came to a standstill. Only SG2 appeared to be moving in this frozen world, raising her fist high and encasing it with energy. The tiger leapt through the air, no longer bound by the confines of gravity in this realm of halted time, ready to burrow her enchanted fist straight into Cross' skull and rip out the--

CROSS

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, DIDN'T I? IN THIS FORM, I'M JUST AS FAST AS EVER...NO. I'M FASTER.

Time rapidly catches back up to normal speed and it turns out SG2's jump wasn't all that high after all. In his giant size, Cross can jump much higher...high enough that when he brings his massive boot down on the hapless tiger with a devastating crunch, it leaves little to the imagination as to her ultimate fate.

A bloodcurdling scream, though muffled by the giant's foot, resounds through the night air...and then, silence.

CROSS

AND NOW, TO MAKE SURE THE REST OF YOU WON'T BE GETTING UP ANY TIME SOON...

Cross stomped across the battlefield, crushing the remaining IGNOites underfoot one, after another, after another.

SG2 was notorious for her seemingly immortal degree of fortitude, always managing to surviving even the most deadly confrontations.

Bones was forged by the anvils of the Gods themselves, and presumably able to revive himself from any death not wrought by a being of equal or greater divinity.

MTS was an elf with a longevity in no way inferior to that of Cross, having already lived through countless centuries herself. Besides, her breasts were functionally airbags capable of cushioning her from all but the most catastrophic blows.

Though LG was in many ways indistinguishable from a human, he was a Gaylian, a warrior race with a hardy constitution and a pretty long lifespan of their own.

Reese was a shapeshifting kitsune whose life force was kept in a magical gem around his neck. Presumably he should be all but impossible to kill without destroying that gem directly.

Each and every one of them was strong beyond the level anyone would consider 'ordinary'. They'd survived countless brushes with death in the past, and surely, they'd survive this too.

But there was one thing the five of them all had in common - they all had bones, and not even the bones of nigh-unkillable beings would have been able to withstand such unrelenting blows.

The only one who had been spared this carnage due to her body's unique composition - Hamel - had already been snuffed out, unable to regain her ethereal form amidst the arctic blizzard raging across the Ice Plains.

There was no Christmas Miracle this time. Even if they hadn't died outright, the IGNOites were at the very least completely mangled under Cross' ruthless feet. Just as Cross had said - they certainly wouldn't be getting up again any time soon.

CROSS

HU HU HU!!!!!! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX...LOOKS LIKE THAT'S THE WHOLE GANG!! I'M NOT FORGETTING ANYONE, AM I? SAY!! IF ANYONE'S STILL ALIVE DOWN THERE, FEEL FREE TO GET UP AND COME AT ME AGAIN!!!!!! NOT THAT IT'LL MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE, OF COURSE!!!!!! HUUUUU HU HU HU!!!!!!

???

Just six? Looks like you miscounted.

Before Cross had a chance to react to the mysterious new voice, a blinding white flash appeared and knocked him square across the face. Believing he'd well and truly defeated all his opponents, this time he had dropped his guard - just enough for this blow to send him stumbling backward.

???

You're right. He seems to have forgotten about us.

Regaining his bearings, Cross swings his head to and fro in search of the voice's source. Finally, he spots them...there, up in the sky, are the members of the Tracking Team...with the non-fliers being carried on Angel and Von Goatly's backs!!

CROSS

WHO...IN THE SILENT NIGHT ARE YOU...?!

BRADIOS

The name's Deus Ex Machina...bitch!!!!!!!!

A barrage of plasma balls instantly exploded in Cross' face - however, with his guard back up, this did little more than agitate him further.

True to Bradios' words, it seemed that the Tracking Team had conveniently managed to escape the Keepers of the History and make their way back through the portal through some unknown means, showing up just in time to help the others. Surely this was a thrilling story of courage and teamwork...but that would have to be a story for another day, as there were far more pressing concerns right now!!!

CROSS

AH YES, HOW SILLY OF ME...I SUPPOSE I DID FORGET THAT THERE WERE OTHERS AMONG MY BROTHER'S PAWNS. BUT YOU'RE TOO LATE - YOUR FRIENDS ARE ALREADY INCAPACITATED, IF NOT DEAD. AND IF THEY COULDN'T DEFEAT ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO? AFTER ALL...ISN'T THE ENTIRE REASON YOUR GROUPS HAD SEPARATED THAT YOU WERE THE ONES LESS SUITED TO COMBAT?

PWR

We're not trying to defeat you, idiot. We're just here as a distraction.

CROSS

A DISTRACTION? FROM WHAT?! I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR FACES BEFORE...SURELY THERE AREN'T ANY MISSING!!

???

FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cross looks up just too late to stop Krampus from barreling out of the sky and landing on the back of his neck!!

CROSS

Y...YOU...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try as he might, Cross can't quite manage to grab hold of Krampus, whose body is small enough to slip past Cross' massive fingers. And with the demon in his blind spot, he can't even see where he should aim!! Krampus uses this to his advantage to climb to the top of Cross' head, which goes unnoticed as he flails around continuing to grope at his neck...giving him just enough time to reach the artifact in Cross' forehead before he can realize!!

CROSS

S...STOP IT, YOU FOOL!! RATHER THAN FIGHT AGAINST ME, YOU SHOULD BE JOINING ME!!! AFTER ALL, WHAT CAN A WEAKLING LIKE YOU POSSIBLY DO AGAINST ME IN THE FIRST PLACE? I HAVE THE ARTIFACT!! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CHRISTMAS POWER!!!

Krampus

And neither will you...without this!!

Grabbing it tightly with both hands, Krampus manages to loosen the artifact and yank it away from Cross' forehead with a strong tug. This of course sends him careening through the air, now flying into Cross' field of vision.

CROSS

WHY YOU LITTLE...GIVE THAT BACK!!!

Cross reaches out to snatch Krampus from the sky, only to realize his arms can no longer reach.

CROSS

WH...WAIT!! NO, NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! MY POWER...MY POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the artifact free from Cross' grasp, the magic he'd siphoned immediately begins to flow back to its source...Cross' body shrinks rapidly, no longer able to stop Krampus as he flies backward through the air. Von Goatly manages to swoop in just in time to catch Krampus on his back before he can hit the ground...the artifact falling gently into a snowbank below.

The remaining members of the Tracking Team race to the aid of their crushed friends, with Bradios and Tim doing what they can to provide emergency first aid.

How did you...know where to find us...?

BRADIOS

That's all thanks to Krampus. At first we thought he'd ditched us to try and make off with Santa...

TIM

...but after we managed to escape the Realm of the Ancients - er, long story - we managed to catch up with him and found him heading in this direction.

BRADIOS

He told us that getting out with Santa in one piece was the top priority, so he saw his chance and took it...though I still think it was a dick move to abandon us in a dire situation like that!!

Bradios glares in Krampus' direction, while Tim chuckles.

TIM

He said he was headed towards the strongest concentration of Christmas Magic...at first we didn't believe him, but Santa backed him up and said it was true, so we knew if Cross was there then you guys probably were too.

BRADIOS

In hindsight, we should have noticed...after all, if Krampus was lying, Santa could have just broken away from him as soon as they'd crossed the portal. But since they were still together and heading in the same direction, we knew it was true.

SG2

So wait...what...happened to Cross...?

The wounded IGNOites managed to sit up enough to glance over in the direction where Cross had been, until just a few short moments ago...however, all that remained there now was his green immitation Santa outfit, crumpled up in a heap.

BONES

Is he...dead...?

ANGEL

No...look.

Angel pointed at the heap of clothes, which seemed to be...moving? Sure enough, out from beneath the pile of discarded clothing emerged...

KATIE

A...lawn elf...?

SANTA

Not quite.

Santa Claus made his way over to the small creature that, apparently, was the true form of his brother Cross.

SANTA

He is a Christmas Elf - a peculiar race of fae that bear a closer resemblance to the garden gnomes and lawn elves you're all familiar with, though they're more closely related to the elf races of the Wayward Woods. They've been native to the Ice Plains since long before the modern races settled in IGNOLand, and have worked as toymakers for the Kringle family ever since the days of my ancestors.

MTS

So he's an elf like me...but wait, how is that possible?

TIM

She's right...you're not an elf, Santa!!

SANTA

Our mother was a Christmas Elf. He and I both carry her elven blood...though I came to resemble father more.

CROSS

Yes...because you were always able to pass for a normal human, you never had to endure the humiliation I did...

SANTA

You always did love making excuses for your own shortcomings. Father and mother loved us both dearly - the only reason you were ostracized was because you had evil in your heart!! Father found you unfit to become Santa Claus, yet he chose to simply banish you, instead of killing you!! You should be grateful!!

CROSS

Is that...really what happened? You know I've...I've been imprisoned for so long, I can scarcely even remember those days...all this time, I thought--

SANTA

Cross...regardless of what's happened, regardless of what you've done...you're still my brother.

Santa bent down to his brother's level and drew him in tightly for a hug. And as though his brother's love was what he'd been missing all along, tears suddenly welled up in Cross' eyes...and began to stream down his cheeks.

CROSS

Chris...do you really mean it? I...what have I done? I became so consumed by my own jealousy that I tried to take your place as Santa...I tried to ruin Christmas forever...I even locked you away in another dimension, wanting you to know what I'd had to endure for so long...and even now...even now you're saying you'll forgive me? Oh Chris...I--

BANG.

Without warning...Cross let out a sharp gasp...and then, his body slumped limply over his brother's shoulder. When Santa pulled away, Cross fell forward...and a pool of crimson began flowing from his chest, soaking into the pure white snow beneath him.

The IGNOites could only look on in shock as Santa Claus looked down at his fallen brother with a solemn, yet stern look on his face...holding a smoking gun in his hand.

TIM

Santa...you...

SANTA

I had no choice. Cross always had an evil heart, and evil ambitions. If there was no longer a prison that could hold him, there was no other option. He had to die.

Santa shrugged almost indifferently, tossing still-warm gun behind him into a heap of snow.

BRADIOS

But he was repenting...it could have been a happy ending...!!

SANTA

This isn't a fairy tale, kids. Cross was a sociopathic evil genius bent on killing millions of people the world over, for something as petty as being picked on a bit as a child. There was a reason he was banished in the first place, you know!!

There was a long silence as the IGNOites tried to process what had just happened. Cross, the evil being who had managed to put their friends in such a state, was dead...brought down not by the incredible powers of teamwork, but a mere gunshot, fired by his own brother. Still...what Santa said did make sense. Cross had to be stopped - he had to be killed. Santa merely found the most practical means of doing so.

REESE

Well, I guess that wraps everything up, at least...

BONES

Will you still have time to make your flight, Santa?

SANTA

I'll be cutting it close...but if I return to the North Pole right away, I should just make it. Fortunately I have a backup sleigh, and the reindeer Cross stole weren't even the main ones.

SG2

You mean, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen--

SANTA

Oh no no no. Those are the publicity reindeer - long retired and past their prime, but they're the ones the kids know so we keep them around for interviews and public appearances. Nowadays we use Hotrod, Tornado, Phantom, Blaze, Ace, Thunderbird--

BONES

Ah, anyway...we should probably be heading back to Knochenstadt as well for our own holiday celebrations.

TIM

But before that, some proper medical treatment...Brad and I did the best we could, but you're going to need proper care and lots of rest!!

BONES

Yeah, okay, mom...anyway. Everyone ready? Let's--

BANG!!

Just as the group made towards the direction of IGNO City, a shot rang through the air. SG2 touched her cheek and felt singed fur...and a warm trickle of blood. It seemed as though a bullet had just barely grazed her...another inch or two and she'd be right back where she was, face down in the snow.

Turning around slowly, they saw Krampus...holding the gun that Santa had dropped moments earlier.

KRAMPUS

Tsk tsk tsk. You should never just leave a gun on the ground unattended. Why, someone bad could come along and pick it up!!

ANGEL

Krampus...how could you?!

BRADIOS

You had the chance to betray us back then but you didn't...I thought...I thought you'd changed...!!

KRAMPUS

Hahahaha, me? Changed? I thought I made it clear from the start that I was only teaming up with you so that I could get that pesky Cross out of the way. Christmas is mine alone to destroy, remember? You really should have seen this coming.

BONES

You...bastaaaard!!!

Bones draws his axe and charges straight for Krampus...but is quickly stopped in his tracks as Krampus pulls Santa close, pointing the gun against his temple.

KRAMPUS

Now now, wouldn't be so hasty if I were you. We wouldn't want the blood of two Kringles to be spilled in one day!!

BONES

Don't try to bluff...you'd never kill Santa. Because if he dies, you'll die too.

KRAMPUS

Hahaha, is that the legend they've told you? My boy, if dying were as easy as killing this one here, I'd have done so long ago!! But you are right in one thing...I won't kill him. I can't kill him. But my little gun trick gave you all just enough pause to buy me the time I needed.

BONES

Time...?

KRAMPUS

To grab this.

In one hand, Krampus held Santa Claus tightly in a headlock. In the other, the gun. But in his tail, he held...

BONES

THE ARTIFACT...NO!!!!!!!

SANTA

Krampus, you...not even you would dare...

KRAMPUS

OH, BUT I WOULD!!!!!

I thought you said you didn't have any interest in that thing in the first place!!

KRAMPUS

Oh, that was true. I didn't have any interest in going on a wild goose chase looking for the thing when I was already able to draw on its power passively. But if it's going to just fall right into my lap, who would I be to not take advantage of that? Besides, now that I've seen just how much it's capable of...I mean, if it's capable of turning a little elf into something powerful enough to grind you all into dust, just IMAGINE what it could do for me!!

In the past, Krampus had been able to grow to gigantic size much as Cross had done...but Cross was on a completely different level. Krampus could only achieve that peak of power after midnight, when Christmas Eve turned into Christmas...and once Christmas was over, that power would fade. Besides, even with that power, the IGNOites were always able to defeat him - something they couldn't manage to do to Cross.

KRAMPUS

Just imagine it...once I've taken hold of Christmas, I'll make Kringle's elves work around the clock to build me a much bigger, much sturdier castle...and some nice display shelves, too!! Yes, I'll finally be able to decorate without worry that your little band of miscreants will come along and turn my home into powder...!! I wonder what kind of look I should go with? Well, I think for starters I'll take all your heads as trophies!!!!!!!!

Laughing madly, Krampus violently threw Santa Claus across the snow...and then, tossing the artifact into the air with his tail, he caught it...in his mouth...and swallowed it. Krampus may have been inept when it came to making plans for destroying Christmas, but he was no fool - he wasn't going to leave the artifact somewhere visible on his body and let them pull the same trick he had on Cross!!

BONES

Shit...we'll never get it back now!!

Well, if we wait a couple of hours--oof!!

LG elbowed xL in the side - now was not the time for scatological humor!!

KRAMPUS

Yes...YES!!!!!!!

Just as Cross had before, Krampus began to power up immensely...his body absorbed the Christmas Magic directly from the artifact, increasing his muscle mass and causing him to grow to enormous size.

The IGNOites had only managed to defeat Cross by removing the artifact from his body...but Krampus had been one step ahead. And now, with half the team already broken from the previous battle, all hope for victory seemed lost.

KRAMPUS

THIS IS INCREDIBLE...THIS IS FAR MORE ENERGY THAN I'VE EVER ABSORBED BEFORE!! I SHOULD HAVE GONE AFTER THIS THING YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!

SG2

W-what should we do, My Liege...?!

BONES

We're no match for him in this state...there's only one thing we can do!! Run!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGEL

But what about Christmas?! If we just leave him, he--

BONES

YOU SAW WHAT THAT KIND OF POWER DID TO US!!! If we stick around to fight Santa's battles for him, we're ALL going to die - and your lives are more important to me than Christmas!!!

KRAMPUS

THE POWER...THE UNBELIEVABLE POWER...!!!!!!!!!!!! CHRISTMAS IS MINE...NO, WHY STOP THERE?! WITH THIS UNSTOPPABLE STRENGTH, NO ONE IN ALL OF IGNOLAND WOULD BE ABLE TO OPPOSE MY RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite giving the command to flee just seconds ago...Bones himself suddenly stops in his tracks, turning around slowly to face the Krampus once more.

SG2

...My Liege?! What's--

BONES

Take Santa and everyone else and get out of here. Now!!

SG2

But you--

BONES

NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Without questioning him a second time, SG2 lead the other IGNOites as far off into the distance as they can go. Bones, however, stands his ground, glaring up at the giant Krampus towering above him.

KRAMPUS

OH...SO YOU'VE CHOSEN TO STAY AND FIGHT ME, HUH? A FOOLISH KING INDEED...

BONES

You know...I really was going to let you win this one. For just a second, I thought to myself, hey. If he wants Christmas that bad, just let him have it already. Why throw away our lives for the sake of just one day...you know?

Drawing Beinskerandi from his back, Bones began to slowly walk forward.

BONES

But you had to go and dream too big. You got greedy. And for that, I shall not stand.

With a flourish, Bones powered up...transcending his limits, even in spite of his bodily injuries. And even though it was incredibly dangerous to do so without fully recovering first...Bones once again took on his Bonezerker form.

BONES

IGNOLand...belongs to ME, and ME ALONE!! It is my divine right to be king...and I won't stand idly by and let some giant green gremlin with delusions of grandeur try to take over MY EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!

KRAMPUS

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! AND I'M THE GREEDY ONE, AM I?! JUST TRY IT, THEN!!!! COME AT ME!!! BUT WITH THIS ARTIFACT AT MY DISPOSAL, I CAN DRAW FORTH NEAR LIMITLESS POWER AND CRUSH YOU INTO DUST WHERE YOU STAND!!!!!!! EVEN NOW I CAN FEEL IT OVERFLOWING...FLOWING INTO ME, COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS, OVERLOADING ME!!!!!!! SO MUCH POWER...NOT EVEN I CAN CONTAIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...wait. Not even I can...c-contain...?!

BONES

...?

KRAMPUS

NO...I CAN'T TURN IT OFF...THIS ISN'T WHAT I...NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones finally took notice of it...Krampus had already grown far larger than Cross had been, and he seemed to be growing still. Veins were popping out of his arms and chest, his muscles bulging to the point that they looked more like sickly growths. And his stomach...was oddly bulbous, for one with such an ordinarily lean build.

BONES

The artifact in his stomach...EVERYONE, RUN!!!!!!!!!!! GET AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN!!

Of course, the others were already doing that - in fact they were already so far away that most of them could no longer hear Bones' shout in the first place. Bones was already racing across the ice, tripping over his own feet to get as far away from Krampus as possible...what happened to his fervor from a second ago?!

It immediately became apparent...as Bones was sent flying, just far enough to escape the brunt of the gigantic energy explosion that Krampus had become. He hurtled forward, crashing into the other IGNOites as they turned back to see what had happened. A huge plume of smoke floated into the air where Krampus had once been, fading into the raging wind of the blizzard. And in the crater left behind by the enormous energy discharge...was the charred and battered corpse of Krampus, now back to his original size and proportions.

PWR

He...destroyed himself...

BONES

The artifact is like a faucet full of energy. Cross seemed to realize that, and knew when to turn it off...but Krampus didn't.

REESE

So it kept flowing until his body couldn't contain it anymore...and burst...

SG2

Ah...wait!! Does that mean the artifact--

SANTA

Not to worry...it's safe and sound, right here.

Santa Claus suddenly reappeared behind the group, artifact now in hand. They couldn't tell if he had already gone to the crater and back to recover it, or used some manner of telekinesis...but they decided he was Santa Claus, so either explanation was plausible.

BRADIOS

Will it be...okay? I mean, we sorta burned all kinds of bridges in the Realm of the Ancients...

SANTA

Ho ho ho!! Don't you worry about any of that - you leave the rest to ol' Chris Kringle!! You needn't concern yourselves with the ancient dark secrets of IGNOLand. Now go on - I've got a flight to prepare for, and you all have some presents waiting for you under the tree back at the castle!! You've all been very good boys and girls again this year, so look forward to it...hoooo ho ho ho!!!!

BONES

Heh...any time, Santa.

Alright, that's enough of a wrap-up. Can we get going already?

MTS

After all...

LG & MTS

It's freezing out here!!

Everyone laughed, far too hard and far too long, with an almost cheesy enthusiasm expected from a low-budget holiday cartoon. Angel, Von Goatly, and Bradios - whose software updates finally finished and re-enabled his flight systems - carried the wounded and flightless on their backs, while Brad's GPS charted the quickest route out of the Ice Plains.

And so, everything managed to work out...they had struggled, beaten and broken, but the Christmas spirit in their hearts fueled their strength. As long as the IGNOites were around, Christmas was safe - and as long as they had each other, there was nothing they couldn't do.

Thus the heroes of Christmas, victorious once more, returned to Knochenstadt to resume Bones' Christmas party...

When the friends finally returned to the castle, after enjoying their holiday feast, it was time to open the presents...and just as Santa had promised, there were huge, lavishly-wrapped gifts under the tree waiting for them.

In addition to the gifts addressed to each one of the heroes was a card address to all of them, which read:

Thank you all again for your heroic efforts. Your brilliant teamwork made possible by the friendship and dedication you have to one another is admirable, and something all people should aspire to - even beyond the Christmas season. I hope you each find something that brings you joy under the tree. Merry Christmas to you all, and to all a good night!!

Your Friend,

Chris

And indeed, they all found something specially tailored to them beneath that tree.

For SG2, a brand new chainsaw with a matching rocket launcher, specifically designed to launch chainsaw blades with flair and precision.

To Konungur Bones, a luxurious velour smoking jacket, for those times when you wish to entertain classy ladies with the freedom of wearing nothing at all.

For Reese, a brand new (old) book of arcane spells, many of them so ancient and taboo that they are said to have destroyed entire civilizations with their black magic. ...and with it, a pocket dictionary, to help him work on those typos.

To Angel, a tome titled The Kama Sutra For Females With Exceptionally Large PENISES.

For Katie, a year’s supply of sketched-out acorns, and some heavenly goat condoms so that her and Von Goatly could enjoy the rest of their night while Goatie was with the babysitter.

To LG, a top-of-the-line rocket engine and a rechargeable battery that ran on Light energy...already charged with enough juice to get him to Gaylia and back for the holidays.

For xL, a deluxe atomic toaster with built-in PENIS pump attachment, for that fresh-squeezed taste of homemade jizz spread.

Bradios opened an upgrade card, allowing him to download new firmware so state-of-the-art it wouldn’t hit the store shelves for another 3 years!!

For Hamel, a new Stradivarius with a secret compartment designed specifically to hold cupcaeks, for those emergency situations where you’ve just gotta have one.

To PWR, a state-of-the-art Quik-E-Bake Oven with enough batter included to make a whole army of flying pancakes!!

Tim was upgraded to the iClone 5, which was basically the same exact thing as his iClone 4, but more expensive, and with a slightly bigger screen. For his beloved sheep Lassie, a wool sweater...she was not amused.

And finally, for MTS, a revolution in bra technology (as described in TV commercials) - only with actual onboard technology!! Designed not only to cradle the breasts in exquisite comfort, but to augment their combat capabilities. It even had convenient nipple flaps for exposing her tremendous teats on the fly.

But the greatest gift of all, they found, was the fact that overcoming adversity had brought them all closer together, and that the true magic of the season wasn’t in having mystical artifacts or glowing red and green energy blasts...but in friendships, and having companions willing to sacrifice themselves for each other.

As they all sat down by the fireplace at the end of the evening, SG2 rose a glass of cheese soda in a toast to her friends.

SG2

Merry Christmas, everyone......but you guys owe me.

Everyone laughed, clinking their glasses together and enjoying the good holiday cheer, as--

SG2

No, seriously. This shit’s a lot of work. I got loaded full of lead and arrows, stomped on, fell hundreds of feet through the air, got stomped on again, and basically got crushed into a bloody pulp while trying to save your asses. You bitches better be grateful.

...as the joyous chuckling turned into nervous laughter, everyone eventually fell silent, and decided to just enjoy their holiday feast quietly...and maybe make sure they came around more often to have adventures together, or even just to chat, considering what a huge effort it was saving Christmas ever few years...which is probably not an allegory for anything fourth wall-breaking.

All in all, it proved to be a great Christmas down in IGNOLand, with promising hopes in store for the new year.

...hey, do you think that stuff Santa said about 'ancient dark secrets of IGNOLand' was something we should worry about...?

BRADIOS

Hmmm...nah. I'm sure it'll be fine.

THE END