xL - IGNOpedia

Some call me inconspicuous // I prefer sly and promiscuousxL, Buttery Nightz EP

BasicsAppearanceCharacterHistoryAbilitiesRelationshipsGallery

Played By: xL

Race: Lactoluster

Age: 27

Gender: Male

Element:

Residence: A park bench somewhere in IGNO City

Alignment: High Chaos

Occupation: Proprietor of The Gas Station Next Door

Height: 5'7"

Weight: 117 Pounds (277 lbs when he gains his muscles)

Figure/Build: Skinny/thin by default, but can grow muscles as he warms up

Hair: White and spiky in a slicked-back style

Eyes: Perpetually squinted closed, they seem to have a buttery-gold color on very rare occasions he opens them. Since his friends have never seen this, it is often joked that he has no eyes and instead 'sees' with echolocation.

Skin: Pale with a buttery coloration. Smooth and unusually shiny, due to his constant intake of butter and...other liquids.

When he decides to wear clothes at all, he's usually seen in casual t-shirts, usually of grey tones. He's just as often seen in nothing but a buttery-golden speedo, much to the dismay of everyone.

Favorite Color: Yellow and white

Personality: Sly, secretive, intimidating, bi-curious. Very curious.

xL is the resident jokester and butt-monkey of the IGNOite crew. He is rarely seen taken anything seriously, always cracking some kind of joke or another, usually either innuendo or related to food items. Or both at the same time. He is extremely promiscuous and not at all shy about this fact, often making jokes about his reputation at the bottom of life. No one ever really knows what he is thinking about, but it's probably sex. Or food. Or both at the same time.

Though xL is notorious for his jolly and sexual ways, he originally came to IGNO City as a Toastopian spy working for the revolutionary group known as The 717. His job was to work his way into the inner circle of Konungur Bones and friends, get access to confidential information on The Empire, and slip back out as smoothly as butter. However, through various circumstances, he eventually wound up becoming the mask. Now the false persona of 'xL' has more or less become his true self and it seems that even he has forgotten about his original goals. It is believed that he is capable of being very serious if he wants to, to have been trusted with such a sensitive job in the first place - he just doesn't want to.

He runs the Gas Station Next Door in IGNO City, a gas station and convenience store infamous for its unusual products (most notably Canned Pancakes) and supposed 'unsavory' practices. How he has managed to avoid getting shut down for various health code violations remains a mystery, though it is rumored that he has a 'special' means of bribing off the authorities.

Inexplicably, xL is also part of the hottest boyband in IGNO City, The Straight Experience. He is known as The Goofy One and is generally the least popular with fangirls, though there are some who enjoy his sense of mystery. He is most commonly shipped with Bradios or LG. Surprisingly xL writes a lot of TSE's songs and is known more for his poetic and lyrical ability than his singing itself, which is mostly backup. He has also attempted to go solo by releasing a rap EP (under the pseudonym 'UtterButter'), though this has not been popular and he continues his TSE activities.

Recently he has been thrown into space very often, and it is rumored that he has plans in the works up there with the locals...

xL hails from small the island nation of Toastopolis to the south of IGNOLand. He belongs to a race of humans called the Lactolusters, a simple people who have evolved with a dairy dependence thanks to the buttery sea that inexplicably surrounds their island. Though xL's snow-white hair and squinty facial features make him stick out like a sore thumb in IGNO City, back home he is just another face in the crowd full of Lactolusters that share many of these same characteristics.

Unbeknownst to all his friends, xL was originally involved with a resistance group called the 717 founded in Toastopolis' capitol city of Toastopia, seeking revolution from the Toastalitarian government of their country. The 717 and their freedom fighter organization, the Milk Militants, seek to reform the government of Toastopolis into a slicker democracy for the sake of the people. They stand and fight for rulership and economics based off of the physical attributes of butter: delectable to all and capable of improving anything it's spread on.

The scope of xL's duties within the 717 were as mysterious as how he's able to see when his eyes seem to always be closed. However, he was tasked with a mission of grave importance to slide into IGNOLand and gather controversial secrets on Konungur Bones' regime. xL was to make friends in high places in order to gain access to this information, and then make his slippery escape, but something unexpected happened...he came to like these friends that he was supposed to be using to move higher up the ladder and gain access to Bones. As time went by he forgot all about his mission (or if he didn't forget, he at least stopped caring) and decided that he would stay in IGNO City, founding The Gas Station Next Door as a way to spread his warm buttery practices on the dry and crunchy lifestyle of the city.

Now xL is an infamous figure in IGNO City, not for his mysterious background as a freedom fighter (which is unknown to all) but as an unconventional businessman and practitioner of various forms of sexual deviancy. He has at times attempted to quit this promiscuous lifestyle and reform his reputation, but always seems to come crawling back on his hands and knees, in more ways than one. Despite his notoriety, xL is as slippery as butter when it comes to getting caught on his various copyright and health code violations and somehow always manages to get stay in the good graces of the people.

Recent Events: Christmas 2016

xL joined the others in saving Christmas from the corrupt Santa Claus. Amazingly enough he managed to bail his team in the Nordlands out of a few tough situations with his 'unique' abilities before the team rejoined the others for the final battle.

Speculation: The Gas Station Next Door

Please note that most of this is speculation based on bits and pieces of evidence gathered by the IGNOites. xL has yet to confirm or deny any of these suspicions, only grin mischievously...

Some time ago, SG2 - fed up with xL's constant tomfoolery - decided to grab the strange man and hurl him very, very far into the sky. So far, in fact, that he was launched straight up into space. Being that it was space, and that he did not seem to be falling back down any time soon, the IGNOites assumed xL was simply a goner, lost to the inky blackness of the cosmos beyond.

As it turns out, this was not the case.

A few months later, xL resurfaced. He was alive, somehow, and seemingly no worse for wear. When asked where he had been for so long, his response was only 'space'. How he managed to survive up there, least of all return, is something he has never revealed.

In the time since, xL has been thrown into space many times (a vain attempt to get rid of him). Each time, he returns after a short absence, as though nothing has changed. Eventually xL's 'friends' came to accept the fact that no matter how far he was thrown, he'd always come back eventually...and the tactic of throwing him into space faded into obscurity.

Rumor has it, however, that xL's space adventures did not stop there. In fact, some believe he gained his own means of coming and going from space from the locals he met up there during one of the initial excursions...and more, that he actually brought some of their mind-bogglingly advanced technology back with him, and used it to enhance his Gas Station Next Door.

The others were slow to realize it (most likely due to their collective aversion to venturing within 20 feet of the place), but the Gas Station was changing. Reports of confused customers began to circulate about how much bigger the place seemed on the inside from its deceptively small and rundown-looking exterior. Others reported being overwhelmed and disgusted by the storeowner and his bizarre products, but nonetheless compelled to buy things anyway, as though the store itself was whispering to them of its fabulous discounts.

It wasn't until much more recently that the IGNOites began to notice something abnormal about the Gas Station Next Door - the fact that it was really next door. To everything.

New Gas Stations began popping up in other places across IGNOLand, from Reese's Roost to the southern coast. Patrons reported that, upon entry, they encountered a man who looked exactly like the clerk of the Gas Station in IGNO City, but claimed that he was not the same man. Some more perplexed customers took to making repeat visits, taking note of small imperfections (a crack on the walls here, a missing tile there), or rearranging products on the shelves, and then entering another store location to see if they were the same. Even bolder customers would even leave behind their own belongings in one location, enter another, and find the items were in fact there, exactly where they had left them.

All signs seemed to point to there being only a single central 'Gas Station Next Door' location...with all the other entrances simply being some sort of portal into this bizarre pocket dimension. The clerk is thus believed to be the same exact man across the board - xL himself - and is simply lying and pretending to be someone else in an attempt to keep this secret from getting out. When confronted with this suspicion, xL would only grin and say 'don't forget to tell your friends, we're always right next door'.

To this day, the truth is unconfirmed. However, whispers on the street tell of how xL befriended unfathomable cosmic horrors up there in space, who saved his life and granted him these boons: the ability to come back from circumstances that would kill anyone else, and some sort of antimatter teleportation technology that allows him to link all his Gas Station exteriors to the main store...and break into Karma's castle as often as he likes.

Skills: Uses the power of butter that races through his veins; can shoot butter through his right hand like Spider Man can shoot webs, only the butter slips through his nails, hence why he is always biting the fingers on his right hand. xL is also very sly and slippery with his movements, which often intimidates anyone who tries to attack him (as does the fact that he likes to fight in a bright yellow thong). No matter how many times you cut him with a chainsaw or send him to space, he quickly reappears unharmed. It's believed to be part of his poetic nature: a poem can often be read and last a millennium. Like a poem, xL will last as long as he is believed to be relevant. Since he is no Shakespeare, it cannot be forever. In reality it seems as though the dairy in his body provides him with accelerated healing abilities making it very difficult to injure him for long.

Weaknesses: xL is very vulnerable. Though he can reappear after an attack, he is fairly defenseless towards any attacks immediately after reappearing and will often use jokes to intimidate his attacker to make it appear that he is unharmed. However, his biggest weakness may be when his sneaky plans are thwarted. It always lowers his self-esteem, which makes him weaker and even more vulnerable in battle.

Weapon/Combat Power of Choice: While butter slips through the nails of his right hand, his left hand is a prosthetic, though very real-looking. At his elbow, he can slip off his arm and insert his signature weapon: The Toaster; a gun that can shoot freshly hot pieces of toast to his enemies. With his right hand, he can insert butter into The Toaster and make his toast even hotter. he can also use his gun to shoot butter like a water hose, distracting enemies with its deliciousness.

The story goes that xL tragically lost his left hand in a freak masturbating accident. xL had been innocently jerking it in a bakery as he watched the hot baker taking out an even hotter fresh loaf of bread. Then owner noticed this and grabbed his shotgun (every baker has a shotgun in Toastopolis due to the rising increase of 717 revolutionaries and their burning hunger for justice and hot toast), shooting xL who was distracted by his lustful activities. He managed to block the bullet just in time to avoid more serious injury, but lost his entire lower left arm in the process. Being that he became able to attach a toast-shooting weapon in its place and got to wank it to the sexy baker, xL came away from the incident with no regrets. However since xL was realistically a more serious and less sexual person before his IGNOLand infiltration it is unlikely that this story is true, most likely made up to reinforce his cover, thus it remains unknown how he lost this arm.

For reasons unknown, xL is capable of growing huge muscles when he is determined enough. Fortunately for all who don't wish to look upon his grotesquely muscled form, he is rarely determined enough.

SG2

Though the tiger is always throwing him into the black depths of space, xL will never stop coming back to invade her personal...well, space.

LG and xL used to date in the distant past. It's possible that this relationship is what caused xL to abandon his mission, and the ensuing breakup lead to the establishment of his more 'unsavory' lifestyle. Though LG claims to be disgusted by him the two still seem to hang around each other.

xL's Dad

Disappointed in him. xL's dad wishes he would come back to Toastopolis and inherit the family creamery, and doesn't support xL's dream of milking a different kind of cream in IGNO City. However he still loves his son and wants what is best for him.